feel stupid guilty and cheated

[fatecanbesocruel]

Morning ladies

I am so worried and don't know what to do or how to feel.

My husband and I have been TTC for the past 2+ years without success. During that time I have put my life on hold - no alcohol, no exotic travel, no certain foods etc etc. Finally referred for IVF. We have had a lot of other personal stress (family death, illness, job issues etc) so we thought sod it, took month off and went on a month long wine tour to SA.
I had 2-3 glasses of wine every day, one bottle of wine to myself on one day.
Came home, regular period a day late and tested positive!
Should be overjoyed but feel so utterly utterly cheated and am beside myself with worry at how much alcohol I have consumed the 2 weeks before and after conception. The bottle of wine will have been about 11 days after conception.
I cannot stop crying. I know many women drink before finding out they are pregnant but every day? and that much?
Thank you for listening x

I've only seen one real life case of fas, the child was non verbal had the small chin and slightly abnormal facial features but I couldn't of guessed just on sight. his mother brought him into a&e after a fall

He was 5 at the time she was a solicitor and explained that she used to have a glass of wine every night after work while pregnant and she didn't know the risks and that he attended a special needs school.

I really hate to hear about other mothers drinking while pregnant so don't worry you've stopped in time and as long as you take good care of yourself now it should all be fine

There is nothing to look out for on ultrasounds except a smaller chin which may show up after 20-25 weeks

And then after birth study the baby's facial proportions and speak to a consultant if you have worries

There is lots of available info online on what to look out for

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was about 6 weeks and 2 weeks before I found out I had been on an all inclusive holiday and had been drinking one or two glasses of wine a day. Then to make things worse when I came back from holiday , just before I did my pregnancy test I went out for a colleagues leaving do and had to cocktails and 2 glasses of wine and got very drunk and was hungover the next day. This doesn't even include the 1-2 glasses of wine per week I would have drunk in the first few weeks of my pregnancy.

I even took some ibuprofen when I had my hangover. Of course when I found out I was pregnant I felt very guilty about the drinking I'd done before and worried. Anyhow I'm now 36 + 4 and I've had a good pregnancy so far. All my tests have been good and my anomaly scan was fine.

I think it's natural to feel guilty but you have to be realistic as you can't possibly have known you were pregnant so you shouldn't punish yourself. We were trying to have a baby but I'd only come off the pill the month before I got pregnant and as I'd been on contraception for over 10 years we expected it to take a lot longer.

Just try and relax and enjoy the fact that you are pregnant.

Please don't worry - I went on holiday just after I'd (unknowingly) conceived, had alcohol, shellfish, ibuprofen etc. I think most people have done this and I'm sure it'll all be fine. As soon as I realised my period was late, it was health drive and everything by the book.
What lovely news for you, congratulations

I was drinking and smoking a lot before I realised I was pregnant. Told midwife and she said that unless you did hard drugs don't worry. Just don't do it now. Baby born perfect.

It happens don't worry

Congratulations OP, like you I had been super good while TTC only to be told I would need 18mths-3 years of treatment for a pituitary tumour before I'd get pregnant. My appointment was in early Dec so I thought fuck it and had an Xmas to not remember! 2nd week in Jan BFP . I was in tears to my consultant worrying I had damaged DS. He was very kind and reassuring and told me if I had done enough to damage the baby I would have lost the baby due to the early stage of my pg. My DS has a slight speech delay but is otherwise perfect!

honestly, stop worrying, and big congratulations. Baby waited till you were relaxed and well hydrated maybe :D

I got pregnant on honeymoon in Barbados where I was having rum cocktails at breakfast, then headed straight on a hen weekend in Portugal where I was hammered the entire time and went on a speedboat where I had to sign a waiver to say I wasn't pregnant. Got my bfp a week later.
It happens a lot.

Firstly congratulations! Secondly as others have said there is absolutely no need to worry. The egg doesn't even implant in your uterus until 5-12 days after conception and then it's weeks before you are sharing a blood supply (it feeds off a yolk - there's a fact I never knew before I fell pregnant!) There's no way any alcohol reached the baby so I wouldn't even worry about anything related to that.

It does sound to me like you put yourself under immense pressure to conceive and as others have said I'm not at all surprised that the moment you relaxed is the moment it happened. You really should feel not feel guilty in any way about the circumstances. I understand completely why you feel cheated after all your years of being good (I would too!) but you conceived naturally in the end - something you were struggling with and had resigned yourself to failing at - and you can actually probably thank the alcohol for lowering your stress levels and making it happen rather than having to go through the torture of IVF cycles. Please don't think I'm being judgemental or making light of all your efforts to conceive by saying that, I'm just trying to put it in a different light. I too struggled to conceive (although not for quite as long as you) and I know what torture we put ourselves through and how awful it is each month when your period starts and you feel like a failure again. Be thankful that it has happened (as I am sure you are) and concentrate now on giving baby a stress free pregnancy (if there is such a thing!)

Also on a lighter note let that joy flow freely now because believe me once the nausea and exhaustion hit there won't be a whole lot of joy left to feel!

Congratulations OP!

I work with children with Special Needs in a school so have experience with children with FAS. I also have to read medical histories, including details about what happened in pregnancy. The children that have FAS mothers drunk regularly, mostly every day throughout the whole pregnancy. You would be surprised at how much some women smoke, drink and take drugs during pregnancy.

So, in your case I really wouldn't worry!

Also, anecdotally I had a few nights at events where I drunk (quite a bit) before I knew I was pregnant with DS. DS is now 5 and perfectly healthy, no issues with development whatsoever.

xxx

Please don't worry about the alcohol. As people above have mentioned, baby grows from the yolk sac before placenta implants (approx 10-12weeks?) and you need to drink a lot more than that to cause FAS. I hope you had a good time wine tasting in SA, I love SA!

FWIW regarding foods you've been avoiding - I have eaten whatever I've wanted throughout pregnancy (though I'm veggie so don't eat pate/shellfish anyway and this has been partly because I've felt very sick and struggled to eat), but runny eggs, unpasteurised cheese, coffee, Ice Cream Van ice cream and (today) cake batter with raw eggs in. I just consider the risks of eating/drinking these to be so incredibly low anyway, I can't possibly get myself worked up over having moderate amounts of what I fancy.

I get that it has been tough TTC for a couple of years, but don't be so hard on yourself! If you really do need some reassurance to stop crying, chat with your GP/midwife/practice nurse. They really will tell you that you're not the first woman to be drinking before they knew they were pregnant!

Make sure you take your pregnancy vitamins and get lost of sleep. The first trimester can be emotional and tiring.

Best wishes for your pregnancy, and congratulations!

Thank you - you lovely lovely people. I am feeling much better (mainly thanks to you lot!). It was just the shock and the irony of it all! I have been on prenatal vits for years so at least I was taking those...

Fingers crossed all goes well and I don't panic too much these next 9 months...

Thanks again
xxx

I know someone who didn't find out until 10weeks. Went of a 2 week all inclusive holiday and more than took advantage... EVERY DAY. Baby daughter is absolutely perfect and most of healthy.
Don't feel guilty. You didn't do it on purpose. It's Sod's law. In fact I bet the relaxed attitude is what finally did it. Of course had you known you wouldn't have drunk a drop. Baby will be absolutely fine. Don't beat yourself up. Hugs

OP you shouldn't worry, I conceived over the Christmas period and we all know the booze that is involved in those festivities. You will be fine ;) Think of all those smart September babies!

Also there is a lovely board you might be interested in joining called pregnancy after infertility. Very friendly bunch and you can offload about any worries you might have.

Starting IVF after ttc for 8 years had sex once in the month before starting. Consumed half a bottle of red whilst counting my cycle and deciding it might be worth testing the next day. Positive test and a very healthy 5 year old upstairs asleep.

Congratulations

Same as you - taking vits for 9 months, actively trying for 6. Relatively healthy and cut down drinking during tww. Went on honeymoon and drank til I couldn't stand up. Bought a litre of gin and couldn't take it on the flight back with us so drank it for breakfast lunch and dinner for the final couple of days. Cocktails at the airport, wine on the plane which gave me stomach cramps... Which turned out to be implantation cramps and got my bfp a couple of weeks after getting back. Ironically my first proper symptom was the fact that we went out and had 3 glasses of wine over a whole afternoon (and I would normally drink A hell of a lot more than that and be fine) and was absolutely shit faced. Couldn't understand why I was so drunk until a few days later when I got my bfp. 1 year old is absolutely unscathed!

I got drunk twice in the TWW last month after 4 months TTC where I'd been really careful. Guess what? I'm knocked up! The egg isn't even implanted until about 10 days after conception so worrying about your alcohol intake before your period is late is - in the nicest possible way - ludicrous. Pull yourself together and enjoy being pregnant. It's absolutely fine!