nasty husband and were you stressed in pregnancy?

[Carrah12]

Hello, I am hoping to hear from any of you that have significant stress in pregnancy and everything turned out ok. I am now stressed about being stressed and think this would help me.

Essentially my husband has become very nasty since this pregnancy although it was planned. I am now 33 weeks and think the last few months have been the worst of my life. For the sake of my baby I have tried my absolute best to be calm and have only had a few short outbursts if losing it - either anger/and or crying.

I am more worried about the chronic nature of my stress where he has said something horrible to me and I am laying in bed trying to sleep/relax but inside I feel frantic and distraught, my heart racing etc I am totally exhausted from it.

I realise I may have a long term problem if my relationship does not improve but for the moment I am trying to help myself stop panicking that all this inner upset has permanently harmed by precious baby.

Leaving aside the relationship issue for a moment...

I was stressed, very stressed, for the majority of this pregnancy (am 35 weeks now) because:

• DP and I had been together less than 6 months when I fell pregnant. In the beginning he was actually quite nasty at times about it.
• I did not know where I was going to live once the baby came. House mate didn't want to carry on living with me (fair enough) DP said he didn't want to live together. I couldn't afford to live on my own.
• I was promoted at work through other peoples' long term sickness and the pressure was IMMENSE

It doesn't look like a lot written down but it felt insurmountable. I also developed SPD and DP was away for 15 weeks total - 7 weeks before I was 21 weeks pregnant and 6 weeks before I was 30 weeks.

I ended up in hospital being monitored for preeclampsia, I was feeling sick all he time and emotional. In the end the gp signed me off at 31 weeks and so the work pressure disappeared. DP had a complete change of heart and begged me to move in, so that issue is sort of resolved.

It took me around 2 and a half weeks to stop feeling so miserable, ill and stressed though.

Now.

Had your DP always been horrible?

I had stressful pregnancies both times and went on to have healthy babies with no complications at all
With ds my brother was killed aged 17 on the day I found out I was pregnant. I lived hundreds of mikes from any family as dH was in the RAF and I also developed hyperemis gravadium.
With dd I again developed. HG but I also had a 6 year old to look after and dh was thousands of miles away in the middle east.

Hope things get better for you soon

OP, I wonder if you might get more/better support for this in Relationships.

It is very common for abusive men to become abusive (or more so) when their partners are pregnant.

Please read these links:
Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
The Abuser Profiles

It's important that you talk to someone about his behaviour and the impact on you. Is there someone who would be understanding and supportive - your mum, a sister or a friend? You should also talk to your midwife who can advise you about minimising the impact on your baby. And lastly you could call Women's Aid.

Good luck

My Ex's behaviour deteriorated during my pregnancy.. I had hyperemisis.. so no energy for a lot..He hated the fact the attention was on me..Lots of other stuff..

My DS was fine...Although the first night we spent in refuge at 10 months , he physically relaxed and slept better than he had in a long time.. It made me realise he was suffering..

It is one of the most common for domestic abuse to start

I've just seen on the news that Radovan Karadjic has today been sentenced by the international court to 40 years. And it reminded me.

Women were having babies during the Siege of Sarajevo, when they were being shelled and people moving round the city had to run the risk of snipers. There was not an upsurge of damaged babies, even though the stress levels (compounded by physical stress of irregular food supply) were unimaginable.

I'm not posting this as some sort of misery top trumps, but as a concrete and recent example of how very much stress you can deal with and have a baby who is just fine. I really don't think you'll have harmed your baby in the slightest.

But I do think you sound miserable and still rather overwhelmed, and that you need to find a way to more calm and an end to the exhaustion. If there is a major fault in your relationship, and you don't want to face it at the moment, then it might be a case of looking for temporary measures that make you feel better in yourself. What sorts of things have memories that make you smile? Can you bring any of them back in to your life?

And for heaven's sake, believe the posters who say you are not harming your baby.

I don't have personal experience but many women continue to have healthy babies through times of extreme stress eg in war zones, in refugee camps. I don't say that to lessen your situation just to say we are a very resilient species.

Pregnancy is a red flag time for domestic abuse sadly. Is his nastiness a new thing? I imagine you feel incredibly vulnerable right now but you don't have to stay in this situation. Is there anyone you could go stay with? Do you have anyone to confide in?

Thank you so much for the supportive replies. He has always had a mean side but could be lovely as well. Whereas now it's really just the mean side, "I have lost the ability to care about you", "stop crying and pretending you are a victim" etc There is a lot worse but don't want to think about it really. I guess I am just devastated that my child may not have the happy family they deserve and that keeps me awake. If I try and talk about anything to improve things I am just "wasting his time" and he gets very angry leaving me to try and calm myself but I can feel the adrenaline and my heart racing as his anger frightens me, although he has never hit me or threatened to. Providing a good home for this child is my first priority I guess I am just trying to give it the best chance of being born healthy first. I have confided in my mother who thinks his behaviour is unforgivable.

Your mum is right. Do you feel able to talk to a professional as well - your midwife and/or Women's Aid?

Please speak to your midwife, they can offer you support and guidance.

I went through this and it became even worse once the baby was here. The verbal and emotional abuse coupled with new baby hormones and lack of sleep nearly broke me. You and your baby deserve better.

I had similar to you..When the baby arrives and the baby needs you when it needs you, you are exhausted it will not get better...

I ended up with a s.worker who called in intermittent something..Basically you see the nice side the side you fell in love with to keep you hooked in..

The other thing I think kept me there was I wanted my little family but I now realise I was the only one fighting for it. I also know that the day I left was the day I gave up hope of that and it was tough..

It has been said many times on here..The demands of a newborn baby do not improve relationships.

My husband left me unexpectedly leaving me pregnant and with a toddler to look after. And a whole heap of debt. I was so stressed I couldn't eat properly which in turn made me even more stressed. It's very cyclical. Get to the gp or midwife and explain, mine were fantastic. May not be for you, but I have a history of depression so was prescribed (breastfeeding friendly) anti depressants to have as soon as baby was born so they were in my system as a prophylactic against pnd. Best decision ever.

Dc2 is three months old now, utterly gorgeous, very chilled, chatty and smiley. No ill effects here so try not to worry.

Wrt your relationship it doesn't sound great. Agree with others it actually sounds quite abusive with a lot of red flags. I was terrified when I first became single but actually we're doing brilliantly, the future's looking very bright and my children know they are loved and secure. Don't stay just to keep up the 'ideal' of family life, sometimes it's better to have one fabulous parent rather than a rubbish one and a scared one.

It does sound as if he is becoming really quite emotionally abusive. Although he hasn't hit you or threatened to, behaviour like that can often escalate, especially in pregnancy.

Your child can still have a happy life and you'll be no less of a family if it's the two of you. Your DC will have a much better chance of the happy family life they deserve (as will you) away from this abusive man.

Sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation When I was pregnant, I had massive amount of stress, but my little one is fine. I was severely depressed, my tourettes went crazy, we had just moved country, OH had no job and was on a deadline before he would have to leave the country. Mum was dying too, died weeks before birth. And we lived off my dad's credit card as we were so broke! But little one is fine!