When is it 'OK' for DH to go out on the lash after baby?

[TheWrongAlice]

So my DH asked last night how soon after the baby is born it is reasonable for him to go out with his mates. They do it three times a year. It's a tradition. Last time he went on one of these outings he was away from after work on the Friday until midnight Saturday.

He reckons 6 weeks after the baby is born is reasonable. I said given that he works 5 days a week and gets home late, he only has 2 days each week to spend with his family, I don't think he should do it all. He should go out for a dinner after work instead. But the 'tradition' starts with breakfast, and that's what he wants to do.

He says I'm being controlling.

I'm 8 months pregnant, exhausted and emotional, and I don't know which of us is being reasonable! Thoughts?

I hate that word "lash" its bloody vile sounds like an animalistic euphemism for urination.

I don't drink but I think it shows a lack of maturity to want to do frivolous activities he did when he was single and younger and immature. He;s in a committed relationship with a child on the way which is a huge blessing, yet rather than planning things to do with you and the baby he's planning on activities to do with his mates post birth?

You're not being controlling. Like you said whats wrong with him having a nice meal with friends and drinks with the meal rather than doing a pub crawl?

I don't drink but if my husband suggested something similar that was as selfish as that i'd tell him where to go indefinitely.

It is never acceptable for grown men to go out on the lash. It's pathetic and immature.

My DH went to London for the night when DD was two weeks old, his friend was over from South africa. They then went out the following weekend as well in our town before he went back. For me if it's a one off thing I don't think it's unreasonable, he then went to a festival for two nights when DD was three months old, this was a once a year thing. In an ideal world he wouldn't have gone, but I just bank it all for when I am ready for a couple of nights out myself.

I wouldn't mind at all as you said its only 3x times a year..My DH went away with work when our son was only 3 weeks for one week and I really enjoyed the bonding time with our son

I think you may be being a bit precious.

Life doesn't have to change but it does for most. Seeing as it's only a rare occasion I'd be happy for him to.

Chances are he won't really want to go or will spend the whole time worrying anyway!

I think he's being totally reasonable. He suggested six weeks after the baby is born, not the following weekend. It's 3x a year, not every weekend.

'Wait & see' really doesn't work when you're planning a group time away...the others have lives too.

Plenty of single parents do it from day 1, day in day out. It's one over night. Life changes, but it doesn't have to change everything.

I'm sorry you felt so abandoned and lonely last time, but he's not your ex.

Katarzyna79 you have no idea whether he's planned family things as well as his night out, what an assumption!
Just because you don't like to go out to the pub with friends doesn't mean you need to look down on everyone else that does.

30 hours is a bit much but it is only 3 times a year so not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

I totally get how you feel op, I felt very let down and lonely in my first pregnancy too. How has he been while you've been pregnant? Hopefully he's nothing like your ex and will be very supportive.
Do you have any family near by? You could arrange to spend time with someone close while he is out, that way you're not lonely and you'd have some help.

It depends on a whole host of things, not least how you and he feel after the baby is born.

My dh doesn't drink but went away for a stag weekend when ds1 was a 3 weeks old, it was fine. I stayed with my friend whose husband had also gone.

He wouldn't have gone if we weren't both happy with the situation.

I think if its only 3 times a year it would be fine tbh it will give you an excuse for a weekend off at some point, however as your baby is not here yet I would ask him to wait and see how it goes you might be fine or you might struggle so making plans before birth can be dodgy.

I know life does change when you have children but its still so important for you both to hang on to those parts of yourself that are still fun and carefree.

I'd let mine go out as soon as I felt well enough to potter around after the baby. It's only 3 times a year so it's not exactly the same as leaving you alone every weekend and there's nothing to stop you having a lovely time with friends or family just for one day.

I had a bloody difficult first baby - would only sleep in the sling with me pacing around, only ever cat napped, constantly on the boob, never slept more than 40 minutes at a time overnight. It was absolutely debilitating and without another person there I struggled to wash or eat. This went on for months. The only sleep I got was a few hours in the evening between 7-10 when she would sleep in the sling with DH pacing the kitchen, and an hour or so in the morning before he went to work. If she had been a normal baby who would sleep on something that wasnt me, go an hour or two between feeds etc it would have been a piece of piss.

As it was, I'd have throttled DH if he'd so much as suggested he go for a night out -i.e lovely luxuries when I could barely manage the basic essentials to exist.

He went to a wedding at 10 weeks but managed to escape straight after the meal and be back home by about 9pm. Other than that, I think his first night out was when she was about 5 months old 😄 But since I didn't get a night out until she was almost a year old and would finally drink from something that wasn't me, I don't feel too bad for him, and he would never ever complain!

So basically, your DH should STFU til the baby is here and you know how you and the baby are and how much help you need. And if it's a lot, then again he should just STFU and stay home.

Reading all these posts I think definitely it should be something we think about after the baby comes. But I've been thinking a lot about why it bothered me so much, and I think it's because I think he should have worked out for himself that we should wait and see, rather than ask me for 'permission'. He should have just said to his mates, can we make a plan after the baby, then when the baby comes he should think about how I'm coping before even asking. I think I resent being made the one who says yes or no, like I'm his mum.
It sort of feels like it's to do with having to make so many sacrifices when pregnant and in early motherhood, with no choice about it. I dunno, I just don't want to have to think about his stuff as well. It would be nice if he'd have thought that maybe this isn't the best time to ask me if he can go for a great day out boozing with his best mates in a couple of months - when I can barely leave the house and I'm on my own most the time.

But when the baby comes I might just love being at home all the time and feel really happy and it will all be fine.

Tell him all that.

Fwiw my husband didn't want to miss his kid, later kids, more than he had to for work and a bit of socialising/downtime, so he has always arranged shorter nights out than pre-children. He also books the Fri or Mon off work if going away for the weekend (two stag dos, 4 work things in 7 years) so as to spend time with the children and give me a break. He does more than I'd ask of him and it makes me love him (& want to have sex with him) more. Some men don't seem to see the connection with how they treat their partner and children and how happy their family life is.

Pteranodon, that sounds great. It seems so obvious to me, that link, I am always amazed that it isn't more obvious to lots of men. OF COURSE if you feel supported, loved and thought about then you give so much more back - not because it's tit for tat but because you really want to and you feel you're in an equal partnership.