Making up your mind about baby

[Grainedesesame]

Hello,

I am 32 years old and I got married 8 months ago. My husband and I are very happy enjoying our married life and never really though about baby.My all life Ive been thinking that I wouldn't have kids.

We went on our honeymoon last month and found myself 5 weeks pregnant few days ago. We need to make a decision without having much time.

We are worry to loose some freedom but my husband is open to keep the baby. He is being very supportive and dont want to put pressure on the decision.

I am myself very worried that I would become someone else in someone else life, where my new world turn around nappies and doctor appointments. I am so scared about it all.

Some women just know they want a baby, some know they dont want kids. Myself, I really dont know. I got a good job and we can assume a baby financially. Im certain that I will bond easily with the baby once there but for now Im still thinking about abortion as I cant answer the question: Why are we having kids?

Does anyone had a similar experience? What questions would you ask yourself? Can we be cool parents and still carry on a social life?

Thanks for your help :)

Have a read of this thread. It is so so so common.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2591144-changing-roles-in-marriage

Make sure you and DH are on the same page with regards to everything. Ie legally you're both entitled to the same amount of parental leave it DOESNT have to be you.

So many women end up default carer and that's fine if you want it but if you don't want it you need to discuss it now. Your DH might assume you will give up your job and he will carry on as normal!!

I didn't want kids, until the point I changed my mind one day and I suddenly did want kids. Then it took two years to get pregnant, plus two miscarriages, by which point I felt I 'needed' a baby. When the baby came I was in such a fog and it was all so much harder than I had ever imagined that I wondered why I ever wanted a baby, and felt so guilty about feeling that way. What I mean here is, things change and your opinions and feelings about situations differ as time moves on and things happen. You really don't know how you will react until the baby is here, which I realise feels too late by then!

You will ultimately loose some of your freedoms, of course. You will become a different version of yourself for sure. But those don't have to be bad things and nothing stays forever. You can be cool parents and carry on a social life but you can't expect it to be the same, and actually you probably won't want it to be! The first few months you will probably need to give up to the baby, but as they get older you can do more. I went to the theatre this week and I started back at a weekly gym class in Jan (he's 8mnths). What will be important though is support, do you have friends and family near by that can help? Childcare will be one of the main things to hold you back from doing things.

Try turning the question round; why wouldn't you have the baby? You say you are financially stable so that's the hardest but dealt with. If the main issue is your social life then maybe break down what that means, what areas of your social life are you worried about and how could you work around it with a baby? Will you still be doing those things in five years? Are you open to new social experiences? - there is a surprisingly big new social life that comes with parenting. The bonding of shattered women that are singing 'wind the bobbin up' to blank faces infants every week and dying to talk to someone about poo. It might not sound like fun to you now but it's can be a bit blitz spirit and you can make new friends (for life if you want them!).

Dear Graine,

I'm responding because I can understand how you feel.

I've been married nearly a year after meeting my husband 3 1/2 years ago. I am 34 he is 40, so we really couldn't wait any longer if we wanted to start a family. I am not a material person and I am just not into babies or children (I prefer cats!). My biggest reservation was exactly the same as yours, that our lives would revolve around the child and not ourselves as a couple. I envy so much my friends who have been with their men for 10 years and had all that wonderful time together before then having children. I wish we'd met earlier and been given that time. My husband really wanted children, but he never pressurised me, and he gave me the space and time to come to that decision myself. So here I am, 8 weeks pregnant, with a baby that we both planned and wanted.

I would never judge a woman who doesn't want children, or who chooses to have an abortion. But I would think very carefully before making that choice. It could have a devastating effect on your relationship if your husband wants this child, and you may regret it for the rest of your life. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of friends who already have children, many of whom are not the natural maternal type, but who have taken to motherhood like a duck to water, and their relationship is just as strong. All the parents I know do things differently, but are all good parents. My best friend and her husband still have social lives and holidays, and in fact, the couple who love parenting the best out of all my friends, are the one couple I know who did not plan to get pregnant.

What changed my mind was the realisation that my husband and I are so much in love that our relationship will remain rock solid whether or not we have children.

AstreetcarnamedBob thank you for posting that link, it was very interesting and useful. It gives ideas on how couples can share work/care. Graine do you feel that your husband would support you in doing more around the house or sharing baby duties? He wants this so he should be enthusiastic about getting involved with childcare and doing what he can to make this work for both of you. It would be useful to discuss and agree this before the baby arrives.

Yes, your lives as a couple will change, but no necessarily for the worst.

Let me know how you get on.

Thanks so much for your message. it really does help. I still havent made a decision. thanks for taking the time to reply me :)

We were 'forced' into trying for a baby when my dh was diagnosed with cancer.

I had never been broody, probably knew one day that I wanted children but not at 29. We had a month between his op and radiotherapy to try and I got pregnant with our little girl.

She is now nearly 9. I struggled for the first 2 years, not being a'baby' person but since then she is the absolute light of my life, my best buddy. Neither of us really want to do anything unless she comes along - it's enhanced our life together an unbelievable amount. So much so that we have spent the last two years concentrating our time and money on ivf to have another one.

I'm now 24 weeks pregnant and can't wait to be a mum again.

There is never a right time to be a mum but I have never, ever regretted it.

I've never known 100% either way whether I wanted children. It wasn't a no and it wasn't a yes but no was very appealing. I love travelling, I love my career and I'm massively independent. My OH has always wanted children and I was envious of friends who had always known they wanted kids, needed kids even. Someone once said my lack of a need for children was because I was so happy in my own right but that children could truly make me happier although I found it hard to believe as I booked another fun trip abroad!

I am now pregnant (32 weeks) and I can't believe how much I love it. It's magic. I can't wait to meet her and she's already taught me so much about myself. Obviously everything may go to hell when she's here but for now I feel very different from what I did and positive about it all. I am older than you though so I don't know whether I would have felt less ready at 32 and we getting pregnant didn't happen easily so I had more time to mentally prepare (although every negative test was equally a sad and happy moment at the same time).

I still have days when my friends are making plans for festivals and gigs and holidays when I have pangs of 'that will never be me again' but I feel way less stressed about it all than before we got pregnant. I've genuinely surprised myself.

Having said all that, had I got pregnant and not felt this way I would have considered all the options which is your right too.

I wish you all the luck with your decision and send a big hug. It's so tough being the one who has to have the baby. Lots change for us. I could never see some of it could be good and now I can which I am very relieved about.

Thanks so much to everyone that have shared their stories with me. it means so much and it is very resourceful to understand that actually everyone doesnt have a black or white story about baby. Thanks so much to ILiveForNachos for showing me that you can still have both baby and a social life. I am still giving myself another week to make a final call but I feel that I start enjoying the pregnancy, its like having a little buddy with you at all the time :)