Hard to admit but I'm hating this

[Ipushedmygrannyaffabus]

I last posted on New Year's Eve having just found out I was pregnant naturally after 8 years of infertility. I should be over the moon, I,ve imagined this time in my head for such a long time. But I'm hating every second. I'm now almost 15 weeks pregnant and have felt permanently, constantly, nauseous for 9 weeks. Had one hospital admission when I couldn't actually keep water down but not thrown up since, just feel it. I,ve had 2 absences from work and if I have a 3rd I'll apparently be in a disciplinary but I just feel so awful. I,ve not bonded with the baby at all, I don't want to talk about it, think about it, anything. It IS a very risky pregnancy to my health and I could end up even needing a heart transplant at the end of it (but then again, I could be ok). I was so dismissive if the risks before I fell pregnant, so confident it would all be ok, and now I end every day in tears of pure fear. I found out recently they are going to deliver baby at 34 weeks - DP
Is worried about health impact for baby, I am just glad the hell of pregnancy will be over sooner. All I keep thinking is about what I won't be able to do once baby is here. I feel like I have ruined our lives. Yet I was heartbroken by my infertility, really devastated. This baby is a miracle, so why am I not happy and will this make me the worst mother in the world? I have 1 week keft to decide whether to continue with the oregnancy. I know I have to really but if it was just up to me I wouldn't - I feel THAT bad mentally and physically.
Does anyone understand or am I just an evil person?

I hated bejng pregnant, both times, every single second. My babies were very much planned and wanted, with no fertility issues, but I had Hyoeremisis both times and had some very dark thoughts. The sickness subsided at about 16 weeks and it really wa as if a cloud had lifted. Hang in there!!

I have had 2 Hyperemisis pregnancies and was off work, in and out of hospital for 8 weeks both times.

• work can not discipline you for pregnancy related illness.
• you must be allowed time to attend antenatal appointments, but you can be asked to make up the time
• pregnancy sucks Pregnancy sickness support is a helpful website
• there are drugs which can help, although, for me, the most effective were IV drugs (cyclizine) in hospital, but really worth discussing with your GP.
• hang in there!!!!!

I just wanted to say don't put yourself under any pressure regarding bonding, you're only 15 weeks pregnant and it is very difficult to bond with a baby that has only made itself felt by making you sick!! Having a baby is still a very abstract concept at this early stage, and bonding is a very gradual process which continues once the baby is born, it's not something that you tick off once the baby starts kicking / is born /smiles at you /whatever. Don't be hard on yourself, personally I think your reaction is quite normal because you've had eight years to create your ideas about pregnancy, which probably didn't include being hospitalised due to morning sickness. I hope you get better soon

Oh you poor thing. I am 10 weeks with my much wanted third baby and I have had so many times in the last few weeks where I've thought, what have I done and wishing I could go back. I HATE pregnancy. If you feel exhausted and sick, it's so hard to think of the positives. You just want it over. The glossy images of perfect pregnancies aren't the reality - it's hard work.
On top of all that, you have health conditions already which must be so worrying and your employers are bring absolute bastards. No wonder you feel terrible.
None of this is your fault. Brighter days are coming where you will remember how desperately you wanted this baby. I promise you it will be worth it.

You can't allow your feelings about being unwell make you feel guilty. If you felt this rotten any other time you would get unlimited sympathy and you wouldn't have any reason to feel guilty so don't feel it now- it's the illness you are disliking not the pregnancy.
When I look at my three month old now I feel awful remembering how I was considering a termination as I felt that unwell and couldn't contemplate feeling so ill for another day let alone weeks of it.
Contact the pregnancy sickness support group they were a godsend to me and put me in touch with a volunteer who knew exactly what I was going through. Also speak to your GP as in this day and age there is no need to suffer.
And finally as much as I hated people saying this....it does get better and it's all worth it

What a rough time you're having!

Regardless of how longed for the baby, it would take a saint to enjoy pregnancy.

With my first I felt like I'd stepped on a train and changed my mind. I wanted off, but it was too late. It was hurtling towards its destination.

I didn't bond with either of my babies during pregnancy, nor immediately after birth, but I grew to love my babies because of the relationship we built up together and that took time.

If we were honest, most pregnant women would admit to feeling miserable, panicky and paranoid. It's completely normal.

My DD1 was born at 32 weeks. Like your baby, it was expected, so I'd already been given steroids. She was fine, just small and had to be kept warm. She was home in 5 weeks.

I know nothing of employment law, but it sounds as if your employer is way off the mark. Your midwife may be able to advise you.

Be kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Take each day at a time.

I hated mine. Bad back , trapped nerve, suck, fat feet, weeing all the time, good and drink was horrid. Bad skin and hair fell out.

But omg worth it. Totally in love with this baby girl.

Would love another. 9 months of hell life time of utter love

I hated being pregnant both times. Absolutely hated it. I didn't much like the first few weeks with a newborn either but my babies are 5 and almost one and I love them both so much it hurts. You're not evil

I'm 37 weeks on Tuesday and I've had enough! We had ICSI , much wanted baby but oh my god what a time I've had with sickness etc. Finished work almost 4 weeks ago as knew I wouldn't cope towards end. Keep having wee "turns" hospital said it was likely low bp/ hypoxia ,poor hairdresser didn't know what to do with me on thurs ! Keep telling baby it's time to get out! Also dying utterly dying for a glass of wine and my body back to some semblance of normality. Glad to know we aren't alone in feeling a bit rubbish.

I had a different situation with my second but my feelings were very similar.

I started bleeding at 6 weeks, they couldn't find a heartbeat and I was told that I was likely to miscarry. Had to wait two weeks for it to be confirmed.

Went home and grieved for my baby and got myself to the point where I was ok with it.

Then I went back to the hospital to confirm the miscarriage and to everyone's surprise they discovered a heartbeat.

It should have been "happily ever after" but it wasn't. I struggled pretty much throughout the whole pregnancy.

And then he was born. And my little family of four have lived happily (and very very busily) ever after.

This is a thread I posted 3 years ago.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1647678-Struggling-to-bond-after-suspected-miscarriage

Of course you are feeling like this if something you have wanted for so long hasn't lived up to your expectations. It's only natural. I would echo what other people have said about talking to your GP/midwife.

I didn't really feel bonded to my baby throughout my pregnancy, despite knowing the gender and choosing a name quite early on. I didn't even feel bonded to him when he was born. I had an unplanned Caesarian (I hesitate to say emergency because it was very relaxed and before labour had even started) and when they showed me by DS I felt completely numb (and not just from the spinal block ). I would look at him over the next few days and think he could be absolutely any baby - there was no instant rush of love like some people feel. But my god, that bond developed and he is my absolute world now.

You will feel that bond eventually. But don't stress about it now. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time but the sickness and everything will almost certainly fade soon, and I felt instantly better just in general after having DS.

You're not evil!! I think it shows how much you love baby and how great a mum your going to be that your worrying about your fears and concerns and posting on a forum about them!

Wow you are having a hard time, makes me admire other mothers-to-be soooo much! I'm not having a great pregnancy (which in comparison to yours, isn't that bad) but I'm not loving it, or even liking it. I have a friend who is like a breath of fresh air, who told me she really didn't enjoy any of it at all and couldn't wait to give birth. She is a fantastic mum!

It's not all rainbows and blooming and unicorns like some make it out to be. Wish I had heard more about this - just so I knew fully what I was letting myself in for!

The glowing for me is likely sweat or vomit or tears or all three.

It will be worth it, but unfortunately pregnancy is not kind to us all! I'm so sorry your work are being crap, just an extra worry that you don't need. Not all employers are like that!! X

So many iPhone typos, but it's not letting me edit!

Apologies!

Hey there,

I have nothing new to say on top of the support you've already been given, other than to add that I hate being pregnant too! Also had trips to hospital regarding constant sickness, and had to take two months off work.

Work cannot by law discipline you for pregnancy related absence:

www.gov.uk/working-when-pregnant-your-rights

Maybe forward your boss this link and say you are concerned your pregnancy related sickness isnt being recorded separately.

With regards to the low mood, have you had a chat with your midwife/gp/consultant? It might be reassuring to check base with a sympathetic hcp and let them know how you're feeling?

Don't worry about bonding, lots of women don't until baby is there.

You're having a really tough time of it all. I've not had half the problems you're sadly going through, and I've had my moments of crying on the bathroom floor saying I can't possibly go on. You must be a saint!

and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy. Babies must be very cute or I'm convinced the human race would have ended by now!

I just wanted to post and say that you're not alone. It's an absolutely massive LIE that everyone loves pregnancy and it's all flowers, butterflies and excited 'Mummy's to be'. I can only speak from my own experience, but I found it absolutely repulsive - It made me feel horrendous, I cried every day from fear, terror and guilt - guilt that I wasn't 'glowing', that I wasn't 'excited' and the thought of telling anyone or buying any baby clothes left me cold.

All literature seems to be around 'being excited' - I read 'What to expect when expecting' to try and bond.. to try and get into the pregnancy and ended up feeling even lower as it was so 'twee' and there was a single paragraph about 'If you're feeling low, then talk to your midwife'.. in the entire book! It made me feel even more like a freak - and more guilty, after all.. I PLANNED to get pregnant, so why was crying every day and wishing I wasn't?

For me, it wasn't to be as I did actually terminate at 12 weeks as I just couldn't cope and felt so, so low I was suicidal - I don't regret my decision to terminate as I don't believe I would be here, now.. Had I continued the pregnancy. Since being very honest about how I felt, I've found so many women who feel the same way - some went through with their pregnancy and are very happy Mothers, some are currently pregnant and STILL feel that pregnancy is horrific, but are coping and some who made the same decision as me.

I'd just urge you to be honest - Be really honest with your GP and midwife... You're not a bad person, your feelings are completely valid and loads of people feel the same way as you.

I hope you feel better soon