Feeling selfish in pregnancy

[Bluebell1968]

I'm pregnant with my first, I've had 3 miscarriages before this baby and its taken us 5 years to get to this stage. We've been married 13 years. Things are going well, and I'm so far 19 weeks. Is it wrong for me to feel completely self focused on myself and my husband and preparing for our baby, and not really give a fig about what other people are doing or want from me? There is a lot going on within my family, elderly relatives who need care and attention, a very sick relative who is sadly passing away, but lives along way away, and other relatives who moan I haven't seen them enough, or their children lately. All I've been doing is sorting out my life and house and our work to prepare for our little one, and with the past 2 years being hurendous for us with miscarriages, hospital stays and ttc for so long before that, I just want to make sure everything we can possibly do will make this pregnancy go smoothly, even if that means I don't feel up to visiting, consoling others, traveling or exerting myself to risk anything going wrong, Which almost makes us a bit like outsiders in our families at the moment. It may sound harsh, but I dont particularly care. My priorities have changed so much, and although family is important, they know where I am and the phone works both ways, and there's nothing I can do to help the poorly relatives sadly. I feel guilty that I don't feel that sad, or very empathetic, but it's hard when I am so focused, excited and anticipant about our little family future. Am I wrong? Any solutions?

It doesn't sound unreasonable to want the pregnancy to go as smoothly as possible. And if running around after relatives makes you stressed it seems sensible to find ways to reduce that. Are you acting on medical advice to not travel and visit relatives though? If not, might there be some trips you can make just to maintain family linkages? I'd be thinking of low stress ways to be there for people - cards, flowers for the sick relative for e.g. Perhaps meeting up with relatiives and their offspring for a group meal or other get together that saves multiple longer trips. The elderly relatives who need care and attention is harder, but at coming up 5 months pregnant you surely get to let others lead on this without them thinking badly of you.

Are you acting on medical advice to not travel and visit relatives though? If not, might there be some trips you can make just to maintain family linkages?

I agree.

I am someone who suffered numerous miscarriages and 10 years to have DD1 it is easy to get caught up in your own bubble and I understand that, however I do think you should do what you can.

Also with regards to your sadly passing relative you need to understand that whilst you are rightly excited about your DC others may not be at this time.

Pressed too soon....

Because their focus in a different direction at the moment. If they are also caring for elderly relatives then that can be tough too.

I day all this as someone who lost my DGF when I was 6 months pregnant. Obviously at that time my families focus was on my DM and everything around that.

I did phone them more than the other way around as whilst I couldn't practically do anything as I was virtually on bedrest I could do that.

There is no right or wrong answer.

I think it's totally fine.... As long as you won't care if they don't make the effort to come and see you and the baby once you've given birth.

It's easy to get caught up in the "pregnancy bubble" but you have to remember that other people's lives don't revolve around your pregnancy, and if you don't bother with others then they won't bother with you.

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first for once, especially when pregnancy. Your sole job is to grow that baby and to hell with everything else. As you say, phones and visits work both ways.

It sounds like you're making excuses for what is a conscious choice. At 19 weeks, unless you've had explicit medical advice not to travel, there is no reason you can't, it is not a risk to the baby. And you have another 21 weeks, in all likelihood, to sort out baby things, house and work. I would find it hard to believe this leaves you no time for phone calls.

Make the choice not to be bothered with other people, fine, but be honest with yourself about why. You just don't want to. That's fine, if you are sure you won't regret your actions when you look back on this time.

As someone who has experienced bereavement of a child and long hospital stays, I understand the urge to dig yourself in and concentrate fully on yourself during a new pregnancy, but I also know the importance of wider family when things get tough.

Stay where you are happy and comfortable - you have dealt with a lot.

Maybe just up phone contact, flowers / cards etc to support other family members.

You can of course do as you see fit and in future others will, too. Choices have consequences.

If your family was there to support you during your miscarriages then I find it quite sad that you don't feel like being there for them while they're struggling. You don't necessarily need to be there in person to show your support, as a ppm said you could send a nice card or phone them every week to find out how they're getting on. Burning your bridges when you're just about to go through a potentially vulnerable period becoming new parents is not a great idea imo.

Although I agree that you need to put yourself first, I think it's also somewhat important to be there for your loved ones. If you have relatives very unwell in hospital I can see why you may not want to visit, but as pp have said phone calls and flowers can really mean a lot. I do understand your hesitation to be too involved though - a few years ago a beloved relative was dying in hospital from cancer. I visited her nearly every day after work, watching her deteriorate, it was so horrible. I'm glad that I was there for her so much at the end, but if I was pregnant then like I am now, I would have cut down the visits to maybe twice a week (the hospital was fairly close) as emotionally these things can take it out of you.

I know you say that the phone works both ways, but like you have a lot on your mind right now, so do your family. So I personally think you should definitely put yourself first right now, but don't lose all contact as you might regret it in the future when your family may not want to be there for you.