Privacy vs support & advice

[13hirteen]

I'm pregnant for the first time at 35, and I don't really know many people who've had kids. Both my girlfriend and my co-parent/sperm provider/best mate are being incredibly supportive and non-irritating, but I'm kind of leery about talking to other people I know about their experiences, even though it might be useful.

It's very early days yet, and I don't really want to proclaim it to all and sundry via social media... well, ever, but I've been put off having even private conversations about it by a friend who turned out to be of the "all your priorities will change when you have a child, you'll want to set aside all your silly personal aspirations, achievements and desires" school of thought, which very much rubs me up the wrong way.

(My own working position is that having a tiny genetic half-clone that I'll want to fiercely protect is unlikely to mean that my own goals in life and personality spontaneously stop existing, despite the ravages of sleep deprivation.)

So, erm... is it worth talking to one or two more of the scant handful of parents I know IRL for advice/support, or is that tantamount to inviting people to stick their oar in with opinions that will at best be irrelevant and at worst make me want to slap them?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts, kind internet strangers. I'm pretty much down with the healthcare side of this so far, but the social aspects are terrifying!

Yeah, sorry to say that pretty much everyone you tell with have some cliche / disheartening / unsolicited advice. Welcome to the pregnancy club!

Hah, thanks.
I'll just be going ahead with Project TELL NO ONE then. :D

Firstly, Congratulations!

I understand where you are coming from, but I think you should speak to other people. You obviously know your own mind, but becoming a parent is a huge adjustment and it's sometimes good to articulate what you're feeling and thinking about it.

I do have a lot of sympathy though, for wanting to just dal with it all in your own bubble. I am 40 soon and having my first baby in 12 weeks time, so I've lived two decades of my adult life with only myself to worry about, my enjoyment, my career, my politics, my views- basically, all MEMEMEME. A really big, vast, unfathomable change is in store for me, I KNOW IT. It is still a bit annoying though when people seem almost gleeful when telling me how much my life will change. I'm still stubbornly telling myself that I'm NOT going to turn into one of those crashing bores like those people who rub you up the wrong way (me too). So, I think there is a balance between confiding in people and having an outlet to discuss things, and knowing when to back away from well meaning (and some not-so-well-meaning) advice!

Definitely tell no one until you are ready. I have been getting so much unsolicited advice, its not funny. And that's when I waited until I was past 20 weeks and only told people I am close to. Sheesh!

Mumsnet is a brilliant source of advice and everyone here is very helpful

Just to add, by 'other people' I mean us

Yes, you'll need some support from people who've been through it, but select these people carefully. I have a 5 week old and maintain the same position as you, though the thought of going back to work is not currently a happy one (despite loving my job and wanting to move up the career ladder). I still want to travel, build my own house, own a horse and don't see why my DS should stop those.

I'd say choose who you speak to IRL carefuly or you may well find yourself wanting to strangle people. My manager at work is a lovely person but boy has she been a font of misplaced empathy and advice since she found out I was pregnant. My sister on the other hand has been great as she will cheerfuly admit babies are boring and so are many women who choose to define themselves as mums anove all else.

Thanks, all. Super advice. One advantage of being a freelancer is an absence of "helpful" colleagues. :D

Congratulations!

I'm 36 and pregnant with my first. I'm quite a private person, most of my female friends are gay and/or child-free and I totally get where you're coming from.

I lost a pregnancy at 9wks last year after telling lots of people and some of the conversations after that were hard. OTOH some people were amazingly supportive. The MC happened while my OH was away, and my mum was an absolute total star and looked after me through the crisis. It was horrible but without her it would've been hellish. On that basis my rule of thumb this time has been to tell no-one in the first trimester except the people I might need to lean on for support if something goes wrong. (I've also ended up telling a couple of close friends as I had to decline social events and couldn't explain why without lying or sounding like a dick unless I told them).

If you're into the second trimester you'll start showing soon anyway and then the advice will come thick and fast but while you can keep it mostly secret, if you'd prefer to then do

I think the more people you talk to the better, you then get the whole range of experiences and opinions and the odd one that really jars doesn't seem so significant. You are then better placed to know whose views tally with your own and home in on them. And which ones to steer away from. Your own views may change too, I was determined not to be that person who only ever talked about her children, but when I'm with other people with children the same age as mine they are usually the main topic of discussion. OTOH I don't talk about them all that much at work because no one's interested. I have a former colleague/friend from pre-children days who shared my lack of interest in all things baby back then, when we get together now we laugh at ourselves as we talk about our respective children more than anything else (and both genuinely find it interesting). Just remember that nearly everyone means well even if their views don't agree with yours.