When do you know?

[emma2b]

I am 44 and my hubbie is 50 and we are wondering if we should start a family. We are not bothered by our age as we both had older parents and feel we are in a position now to start financially, emotionally etc but the one thing that has held us back in 21 years of marriage is do we really want one? How do you know? We find everything in life difficult as far as decision making goes, it is quite funny sometimes!! However, we are not maternal, if we are at a friends with kids we don't get involved with the children and if we witness kids out we try and avoid them. I have always been an only child and my hubbie has 2 sisters of quite varied ages. We are aware that it may not happen now anyway but never being around children probably hasn't helped. My best friend has been trying for ages and has just found out she is pregnant and funnily enough got me thinking before she announced this, so has been on my mind for a few months. My husband isn't sure but said if it ain't broke why fix it as we are both very happily plodding on theough life as we are but there is a "what are we missing"? and is there anyone out there who can advise on their experiences before their pregnancy? This topic really applies to parents who maybe weren't obsessed with wanting to start a family but maybe had it as a surprise pregnancy or maybe feel like we do atm. thanks in advance.

These are all the scarey things going on in our heads that put us off!

Hmm it's a tricky one but if you really wanted a child I think you'd just know. I was never broody either. Loved my freedom too. But once I was with Dh I totally knew - at 38 - and would never have had to ask the question you've asked. Not sure if that's helpful. Good luck weighing things up.

I think it is very helpful thank you and whilst there are a mixture of feelings on here it does put things into perspective and sometimes helps see things from a slightly different angle. Funnily enough I mentioned to a friend that another friend of mine was expecting after a long period of trying. She replied and said " lovely for them but I would never ever go through it again". I do agree with the comment that after being just the two of us for so long it may be a bad move to now introduce a new member to the family. The only saving grace is we have a very solid marriage. Yes, the issues of down's are an increasing concern for anyone older (or in fact for anyone at any age to be honest) but there are many mums even older than me that go on to have healthy babies. At least there are tests than can help to a degree if not 100% foolproof. A lot of thinking to be done.

I mean this in the nicest way but from what I get from your posts, your life seems quite organised in a way you are perfectly content with and I think a child would just bring total chaos you might not be able to handle without being quite anxious. It's the "vibe" I'm getting from your posts, very very sorry if it's completely off. Maybe with your DH going part time and you hitting the no return age, you're having a "what if" moment but I would probably look into shaking things up differently if I was in your position. Regardless of what you decide though, best of luck.

Something I found helpful was trying to imagine a scenario where you're, say 60 or whatever - and no kids. How does the thought of that make you feel? Sad? Relieved? Not bothered either way?

That helped me to crystallize my thoughts on whether I wanted kids.

But I wouldn't say having kids has made me more carefree. It's just changed the things I worry about.

I never wanted children or marriage. I met my now husband and at the start of our relationship I had a pregnancy scare. When it turned out I wasn't pregnant it upset me and then all of a sudden I became obsessed with having a baby and now I have two beautiful children and another one on the way. I was 21 when I felt my maternal pull. I think you know if you are ready for a baby. don't have one unless your absolutely sure, children change your life completely and you have to be ready. I was ready but until you actually have a child/children you don't know how hard it is going to be and at times only briefly do I miss and think about being child free, but I know that they don't stay children for long and one day they wont need me and that will upset me more than not being able to do the things I used to be able to do as I couldn't see myself without them now even through all the tantrums and sleepless nights and my oh my there are many of them 😊

In the nicest possible way if you're 44 you haven't really got an awful lot of time to think about it.

The truth is you never know what you're going to feel like when you've had kids. You might want them desperately and then after you've had them wish you'd waited a few more years, much as you love them. Or you might not ever really want them but then end up having one and thinking it's the greatest thing ever. No one can predict these things.

I've always known I wanted children, though I'm under no illusions about how difficult it is.

Kids deserve your undivided love and attention

Although I have to say I don't fully agree with this, I still think it's important to try and maintain your own life where possible....my parents are divorced because they focussed all the attention on us and none on themselves! Even if just going out for a meal alone once in a while, etc.

Emma2b, I agree with a pp poster that you are probably more maternal than you think. The fact that you are on this forum and giving it serious thought is proof.
I never considered myself maternal or wanted children of my own. When I got married, I still didn't want children but knew I would have to because it was the done thing in my family and hubby's family & culture.
I put it off for a few years after marriage then took the plunge.
Even till DC1 was born...I wasn't sure if I wanted children, I still didn't think I was maternal though I loved my little one. It wasn't till DC1 was 8 months old that I fell in love with LO...who is now 5yrs and I still don't consider myself maternal.
Now I am pregnant with DC2... I have absolutely no regrets but really rather grateful I took the plunge.
Children change you in ways you will never know and it's not bad.
Please, don't be put of by talk about sleepless nights, less outings, less travel, morning sickness, change in body shape, chances of down's syndrome (it can happen to any mother of any age..I should know I am a medical professional) or difficulty in ttc (it's different for every woman irrespective of age, women in their 20s can struggle and lots of us in our 40s only have to have our partners smile at us and we are pregnant!).
I would say go for it. You and your husband sound in a great position to have a baby and from the fact that you obviously are considering this quite seriously, this baby would be dearly loved.
Best of luck.

I wasnt broody at all when we started trying for DC1, but I had been very broody previously. DC2 is now due in March.

I can only say that becoming a mother has changed my life immeasurably. I have never felt such pure joy, or been weighed down by such guilt. A huge space in my life that I didn't know was there has been filled but I have never been so tired and it can be boring. My life is full of small pleasures but I miss my husband and the little things like impromptu meals out and nice holidays. I feel more content with who I am but never felt less attractive!

It's a whole mess of contradictions. I can easily see why some people would want a huge brood and others no children at all.

Only you know what your priorities are and what brings you most joy. If its sleep, order and nice things... Maybe parenting isn't the job for you. But if you thrive on a challenge, constant bustle and being needed, go for it.