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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Worried MIL is going to steal my baby?? Help!

41 replies

justanewyoungmum · 13/01/2016 19:45

Hi there,

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and currently stuck living with my MIL. I do work full time (I go on maternity leave next week, thank god!) but me and my partner just can't afford anywhere yet and the council has been no good to us yet :(.

My MIL is partially disabled. She does use a wheelchair when she is outside and is partially blind which is why I'm also concerned if she feels as though she's going to be taking over a lot - I can't trust her.

Anything I do is criticized by her and she is already trying to give me unwanted/unneeded advice about how I should bring up my child. This does sound like I'm being ungrateful but I'm not. I'm genuinely scared she will end up trying to take over from me with my baby. On the phone to my partner today I heard her scream 'How is MY baby?' and I laughed it off and said MY baby is fine, thank you. She then goes on to ask if she has kicked today.. Well duh! I'd be concerned if not!

My MIL had a stillbirth before her youngest son (my partner) who has also a girl (i'm expecting a girl) and I'm worried that she may be comparing my child to hers who sadly passed away.

I'm not sure!!

We will be living with her in her small flat for a while and I was wondering how I will ever get to be alone with my baby :(

I'm also very worried about how I'm going to feel about all of my partners family holding my baby very soon after the birth. He has a very very large family (compared to mine where I just have my mum and dad!) and I feel like I would like to bond with my child and feel comfortable with her before anyone else does? Is this wrong? Unreasonable? My partner says that his family will insist to hold her and I don't have a choice.

I don't know, anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/01/2016 11:13

op I understand your anxiety to an extent. I had a difficult relationship with my own mother - she tended to take away items that I cared about and keep them for herself, huffing and throwing them at me when I asked for them back - and also had lost a son herself (my younger brother, aged 3). He was the only boy in the family.

When I had my own DS1 (first child) I had to try quite hard to suppress the conviction that she was going to steal him from me. She didn't and I believe that she had no intention of doing so, though.

To me, your feelings are very natural for the situation. You feel like you will have to fight to defend your space and to keep hold of your most prized possession (your baby) at a time when you can't predict how strong you will be. You also feel like you can't depend on your DH (tbf I think you may be right there).

I think there is some good advice on here re:using feeding as an excuse. Otherwise, I'd let family cuddle the baby as otherwise you will establish a reputation as the precious one and they'll always treat you as unreasonable even when you're being anything but.

Re:bonding - I took ages to bond, it happened slowly over a year but it did happen. Don't worry if you feel you're not cooing over your baby 'enough'. It is all relative.

to you

April2013 · 14/01/2016 11:26

I think some people are being fairly harsh on this thread, this is the pregnancy board, isn't it supposed to be supportive?

BestZebbie · 14/01/2016 11:30

YANBU to want some time with your baby before visitors.

However.

Your baby is a human, not a duck - they don't imprint on the first person they see and then reject all others.
Having a newborn is a 24-7 job - even if visitors stay all afternoon, don't worry, you'll still get plenty of uncontested 1-to-1 time between 1am and 6am every day...

TheSecondViola · 14/01/2016 11:30

Not as harsh as OP is to her MIL.
And no, its not supposed to supportive to everything no matter what it is.

firesidechat · 14/01/2016 11:37

If we were all unquestioning in our support mn would be useless. Sometimes people, and that most definitely includes people with anxiety, get their thought processes in a right old mess and need pointing in another direction.

It won't do the op any harm to think about the mil's side of this. I would hate to have two adults and a baby living in a small flat with me, even if they were family. It must be hard for everyone.

firesidechat · 14/01/2016 11:40

I actually think the op and her partner should move heaven and earth to get their own place, however tiny that might be. It would solve all their problems, but I suspect the op will insist this is impossible.

Scaredycat3000 · 14/01/2016 11:42

That sounds like a nightmare OP. I got fed up of OH keep saying 'But Mums just a bit excited that's all!' So was I, I will never understand why her feelings were more important than mine. The enjoyment of my children's early years will always be marred with memories of the stress of what is MIL going to do next and then having to deal with that. Your housing situation, is your MW aware? Might be worth talking to them, tell them how much it is affecting you, say again after birth, try and stay in another night. Is there anybody you can stay with for a few weeks after birth, just you and your baby, as your OH doesn't care much about your feelings. As for all the unpleasant comments on here, if you read MIL threads the same people who clearly have lived a charmed life or are the relative from hell and never had to deal with nasty people, make the same comments. I'm not sure why they comment on things they clearly have no experience in, I'd just ignore them.

whatdoIget · 14/01/2016 11:42

You might find that you're glad of someone, anyone the family taking the baby for a while so you can have a shower, or nip to the shops, or just be without a baby for half an hour. I know I sometimes couldn't wait to put my ds down for a while!!

Everythinggettingbigger · 14/01/2016 12:36

my MIL still refers to my DS (5yo) as HERS and I'm now pregnant with DS2 and she asks how HER baby is......yes the first time round it got my back up so much and she was quite overbearing. I thought the same about having a lot of people round to see my DS1 too but honestly once you have actually had the baby all the things you worried about while you were pregnant kind of disappear! I like the fact that my MIL now refers to my unborn child as HER baby, because I see how much love she has for my DS1 and know she's going to love this one just as much, and she really does adore my DS1, sometimes it can still be a bit over bearing at times, but so can my mum, I'm sure I will probably end up doing it to my DSs when they are older without realising. My DP finds my mum over bearing sometimes when I don't even notice it, and vice versa.

As for people holding the baby, I was honestly that tired after 3 days of labour and a traumatic birth I didn't flinch when my mums living room (yes I also lived with my parents when I had DS1) was literally full to bursting a couple of hours after I got home from hospital...seeing people genuinely that excited to meet this person that you have created is amazing! My parents and PIL were so helpful and I'm actually worried for the opposite reason this time, now owning our own house and not having them 24/7 for help!

firesidechat · 14/01/2016 12:49

As for all the unpleasant comments on here, if you read MIL threads the same people who clearly have lived a charmed life or are the relative from hell and never had to deal with nasty people, make the same comments. I'm not sure why they comment on things they clearly have no experience in, I'd just ignore them.

If the mil is so nasty why did she agree to her son, his partner and their baby living with her and why on earth did the op agree. I have a nasty mil, but there is no way on earth that either my husband or me would live with her. The options may not be great (emergency housing), but they do exist and perhaps the op would be more in control of who does what with her baby.

Cnmorgan13 · 14/01/2016 13:32

Take a deep breath OP. I would defiantly get onto your local council to see about a house. I get on fantastic with my parents but had to move back in with hubs (and 2 cats) for 6 months while house was being built. It is stressful to be in close quarters. I also think that this smile and nod advise is utter bs, if they are giving advise that you don't want/ have told you umpteen times/ is dangerously out of date I don't see the problem in calling them on it. I'd also be peeved to if my mil called my baby "her baby" and I get on with her. I also won't be playing pass the parsle with my wee one when she/he is born. It's called boundaries - respect them or get out lol. Id also have a heart to heart with your partner, you and baby are his priorities now.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2016 14:00

Oh for goodness sake. It's quite normal to say "my baby" I say "How's my beautiful boy?" to my nephews. My mum used to put her head round the door and call "Where's my girl?" and my dd would come running, yelling "Here I am!"

It doesn't mean I want to steal them, or my mother was pretending dd was hers. It's just a figure of speech.

BertrandRussell · 14/01/2016 14:01

"As for all the unpleasant comments on here, if you read MIL threads the same people who clearly have lived a charmed life or are the relative from hell and never had to deal with nasty people, make the same comments. I'm not sure why they comment on things they clearly have no experience in, I'd just ignore them."

But the OP isn't dealing with a nasty person either!

chillycurtains · 14/01/2016 14:14

My suggestion would be:
a). Don't worry too much. It may well not be as bad as you think and pregnancy does cause you to worry and overthink things.

b). Breastfeed. Don't express or add in bottle feeds but breastfeed exclusively. It is the best way to ensure alone 121 time with your baby in your situation.
c). Sign up for lots of baby groups - ask the health visitor about baby massage classes, post natal groups, baby music groups and then make friends at these and go out for coffee and meet up with them. Claim it all in the name of doing the best for the baby's social development which it is tbf.
You also might find a babies and bumps group which you could go to before the baby is born.

Don't worry. Just enjoy your baby and also make sure your MIL gets to hold the baby so that you get a break and she gets a cuddle. Just have boundaries such as she needs to tell you if she takes the baby anywhere but relax and don't let it become a really big issue in your relationship.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 14/01/2016 14:24

Have you ruled out all the possible ways of moving out? Even if you're not able to afford full rent, you might be eligible for some HB to top up.

You can't stay living with someone who is interacting with you like that.

And as for your 'D'P's comments, he needs a kick up the arse. Having a large family invade after just giving birth is an awful idea.

zannyminxoxox · 15/01/2016 04:09

Family after having your baby is really overwhelming. With my first born everyone came round all at once everybody coming everyday, just turning up.My mil follwed us from hospital sat next to my daughter and kept staring at her in her moses basket then kept pulling her blanket right up to her face after the second time of me telling her not to pull it up to her face I told her to leave! My mum and her boyf came the next day and woke us up I was so tired and needed my sleep from being in labour then my midwife came to see me and baby and was embarrassing having them all round me when I was being asked personal questions about stitches etc. I thought it was very rude. I don't think your being too anxious it's your baby, you need your time and you need rest. When I had my son I didn't allow anyone around until a week after I had him. I needed to bond with my son and get used to having 2 children. Having a baby is daunting at first, it changes your life. You need to get used to being on your own with your baby and having your family. Fair enough you can't really do anything about the mil as you live with her, and yes she is letting you stay there but there is no need for her to take over and be grabby with the baby, if she does do that, when the baby is here. Its sad she lost her baby, but she has to remember this is her grandchild not her baby. The rest of the family you can see individually at times that will suit you all, instead of them all turning up.

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