Pro's and con's of a dad's input?

[Lwatkins]

I have posted before about my situation concerning my ex (beans daddy) and am just wondering something. If I believe that there are more negatives with him having involvement than there are positives, do I have a right to stop him being involved? This isn't my way of wanting him out of MY life, i just want to do what's best for my baby. I realise that a fathers imput is very important, and this is one of the very few positives on my list of him being involved. I'm not gonna go into detail about the situation, and at the same time i don't wanna get jumped on for this post. I'm just at the stage of wondering what all the options are. I do think he would make a good dad, but at the same time i'm thinking is this enough?
At the end of the day, is it really up to me if he is involved - or is it out of my control to say if he can be? What sort of rights does he have? Is it wrong of me to think about not wanting him involved if i think it's in my baby's best interests for him not to be? Has anyone else been in a position where they have questioned the fathers input? Any advice? Or should i just shut up about it and not voice my worries?

It depends on what sort of person he is. If he is a violent nasty man then you have every moral right to not let him be involved. It's not about you anymore only when the baby is born but about the baby having a father.

I think it's about perhaps noting down the negatives on paper so that you are clear about them; and if you can be 100% sure that it's a negative that would immediately impact on your baby, then yes your baby might well be better off without a dad's input.

I have to say though, I've worked with alot of families over the years and it's rare for a dad to be so directly bad for the child, that it's better for the child not to have involvement....but of course it does happen, in cases of domestic violence or abuse in my experience......

if you are really thinking that it's issues that will affect the baby...but so often it's adult stuff that gets in the way for people.....

but I think be kind to yourself, don't try to judge now. you may be surprised by the situation with him, or you may not but you can't do anything about it now! Just enjoy your time being pregnant if you can, nurture that little bean and let the rest go hang. Have a lovely christmas, it'll be the last time for years you won't be up at 4am!!!!!! I know it's hard but try not to worry at this stage.

LWatkins, I've been in what sounds like a similar situation to yourself, and yes it is hard. So you are pg? Bean isn't actually here yet? I think the best thing to do would be to set out ground rules about what you want and expect with regard the baby. I obviously don't know your individual issues but if, say, Dad was prone to causing arguements then you say that you won't have that around the baby and that if he acts like that then he won't be able to see the baby. Or if its to do with what he'll allow with baby (ie a diet of McDonalds and ice cream when old enough!) then set limits about how often is acceptable and, again, if he goesagainst this then he'll lose out by having less access.....
Hope this makes sense and that it helps a bit...

hmmm, I agree with talking together about 'ground rules' but to be honest we none of us know quite how we are going to be as parents before it happens! I am the soppiest mum imaginable but prior to his arrival I thought I'd be the strict one! Things that you think might bother you now, may not in the long run.

Also, with the mcdonalds and ice cream thing, resulting in 'less access' if he 'goes against it', I'd say please don't think that way. Contact isn't a reward you will confer on your ex if he parents as you wish, it's your babies' right to have both her parents involved in her life! He may well do things very differently to you is my point really - maybe not as well as you - but unless it's harming the baby I think it's well worth accepting that he will parent differently to you but that does not have to be a bad thing. I don't mean to criticise,feedme, but I have worked with enough families to know that this sort of thinking about contact doesn't lead anywhere helpful for anyone!

btw, each time I've posted about your 'bean' I've typed 'she' and then had to go back and put 'the baby'!!! Do you think I am sensing something over the airwaves??? I predict a girl for you!! {fgrin]

L, do try not to worry too much about things prior to the event. It's good to think things through but also difficult, because sometimes you can imagine scenarios that don't actually happen.....

It sounds like you both may need some sort of independant mediation perhaps to decide access etc.

I agree about not using contact as a reward or punishment.