Friends and their babies...

[wilkie50]

This might be a bit controversial but I wanted to see what the general consensus was out there. I feel so guilty typing this already.

I am 35 weeks with my first and my best friend (let's call her Sally) has a 1 year old. I love them both to bits but find it really frustrating that Sally won't do ANYTHING without her son. I realise I may not be in a position to comment as I don't yet have a baby but we NEVER do anything just the two of us.

If we go shopping, out for a meal, she comes round for a natter, whatever, she brings her son. Her DH is lovely and very good with her son so there is no problem with her leaving him once in a while. She even wanted to bring him to our wedding but we had a 'no children' policy during the day which all of our other friends were really relieved at as it meant they got a day off from their children where they could relax but they got the hump a bit and wouldn't stay for the night do.

It's so hard as she has family and friends nearby who are more than happy to babysit. She never goes out with her DH, just the two of them either though.

Everything revolves totally around her son and TBH I find it a little frustrating.

I probably sounds really selfish and maybe I am being but sometimes I just wish that we could go out for tea, just me and her, as I really feel I am losing her as a mate cos we never spend any quality time together. I am also very conscious that in about 5 weeks time I will have a new baby so there will be no chance of us doing things just the two of us for quite a few months until I have adjusted to motherhood.

I've had a bit of a bad time of it recently with work and could really do with a girlie night and sympathetic ear from her but I know that won't happen without her bringing her son.

I could never say this to her because she would hit the roof.

Any thoughts?

well,, if it p*sses you off that much, you should try to broach the subject before you end up flying off the handle....

some mums cannot bear to be apart from their children and worry that no-one else, even DH can look after the baby quite as well as they can.

It is a shame she missed out on staying for the wedding though......

you might try to tell her that you miss her.....maybe suggest she comes over in the evening, when LO is in bed and have a glass of wine and a chat...really important not to imply that the baby is getting in the way as the baby is her number one priority !

TBH- her reaction will most likely be...well, wait till you have your baby and see how you feel about leaving him / her !

you cannot imagine yet the love for the baby you are carrying and how protective and nurturing you will feel towards the baby..you might also be a mother who wants to be with her baby all the time !

it is a tricky one, and because you have not had your baby yet, she is likely to get defensive. but as you say, once your baby arrives, there will be less chance to talk..

Life does change when you have a little one, but you do need to have a balance. Have you suggested a girlie night out?

Your friend is absolutely normal. If she doesn't want to leave her baby, then why should she? If she and her husband are happy with the arrangement, then why should she change it?

Just because she doesn't want to leave her one year old baby, doesn't mean that she'll never be able to leave him. You may find in just a few months time she's very happy to leave her baby to go out.

It would be a real shame if you let this effect your friendship, as you may find you need her more then ever once your baby is born.

I don't really understand why its a problem to you if she brings her son? He's hardly going to chip in to conversation. Unless of course you were hoping to go out clubbing which I might not be quite what you had in mind at 35 weeks pregnant.

If she's reluctant to go out in the evening and leave him behind, you could invite her round for dinner, send your husband out for the evening, let her put the baby to bed upstairs and then you can have your uninterrupted time together.

I'm due in March - I'm 36 but the first of any of my friends to have a baby. I have been thinking about how it's going to affect my friendships, some of which are very close and mean the world to me. At the moment I feel determined to make 'friend time' without the baby even for just short periods. However, I might feel completely different in 4 months! I think Lulumama is right; gently tell your friend that you miss HER, not that the baby is an intrusion. Why not plan something completely girly to do together before you pop? Even just an hour or so getting your nails done or something?

I've tried everything and I would never imply that the baby is a problem. I have tried every tack, including me and DH inviting them out for a meal for my DH's birthday, they arranged a babysitter but then at the last minute she decided she wanted to bring him so we ended up sat in a lovely restaurant at 8.30pm at night with her son in a highchair with us. Inevitably the evening was spent entertaining him because you can't expect a toddler to sit quietly in a high chair whilst the adults chat.

MM - it's not a problem that she wants to bring her son just sometimes it would be nice to have just the two of us. He is a very demanding toddler as they all are and we cannot have an adult conversation with him there are he understandably demands all of her attention so we can't talk properly.

My other friend had a baby three months ago and she is usually quite relieved to have an hour away from her for a bit of 'adult' time.

It's so hard to type this without making myself sound like a right selfish cow but I really am not like that. I have no family where we live so she is my main friend and I feel like we are really drifting apart which makes me sad.

I'm not a 'go out all the time, clubby' kind of gal, a night in with a glass of wine, take away and good talk is more my cup of tea. Evenings are a no no though as her son is usually up until 8.30-9pm ish.

Hmmm... it does sound a bit strange that she is so reluctant to leave him.
However I would leave it for now. Once you have your baby you will need friends with other babies to see during the day and you won't be feeling like night's out for quite a while so imo it's not worth making an issue of it so close to the birth of your first child.
If you weren't pregnant i would suggest a quiet word with her but in these circumstances I would definitely leave it. Also atm you must be feeling very hormonal and if you have a word with her it might all blow up and it just doesn't seem worth it just now

somebody who will take their 1 year old to a a restaurant in the evening needs to be told that is NOT ok ... its wrong for the party, for the restaurant and for the baby who should be in bed

I don't have an issue with the baby being with her at all other times tbh .. and I think once you've had your babies your opinions might actually change .. but not in the evening .. if she can't bare to leave him in the evening then she shouldn't go out

truth is, you know life changes with a child, and yours will too. i don't mean to be unsympathetic, really i don't, but you have to accept for now how she has chose to parent her child, even if if means you have to compromise on spending time with her on your own. but as others have said, it really may not be forever.

also - does the child never nap? most LOs that age have an hour or two in the daytime, you could have a late lunch together maybe?

or have your takeaway and wine later in the evening.

MM - I am still at work so daytime isn't an option and she is usually busy on a weekend.

AS for evenings - I am 35 weeks pregnant and usually ready for bed about 9pm (LOL).

I don't know, thanks for talking to me, there is no solution I am sure of it, I just feel v frustrated about it and it makes me cry but like you said, could just be hormonal. My other good friends all live hours away (dotted all over) so I have to make do with good phone chat with them. I could try this with her but she lives two houses away from me so would probably seem a bit weird!!!!!!

Just feel a bit lonely as DH works most weekends.

agree with floatin.....arranging a babysitter, then bringing him with sounds odd....but i am thinking she might have PND......sometimes it can manifest itself as a fear of leaving the baby with anyone and feeling you are the only one that can protect the baby.....esp. if she missed on your wedding......seems too extreme a behaviour..

having said that, you don;t sound selfish, but until your baby arrives, you have no idea how you will feel about leaving him/ her ..it is impossible to understand the enormity of the changes in lifestyle when baby arrives...until you have one !

FITMS - what you are saying is just how I think I will be with my LO how you are. I can't wait to have this baby but I also want to retain a little bit of my identity and spend some me time away from the LO - although I don't expect this to happen immediately, I would hope by 1 year old I will be fine to leave him/her.

If I arrange to see my friends during the day then it's expected that dd will come too, and they usually like to see her, but in the evenings it's really important for me to go out and see my friends without her. Once she's asleep then she doesn't care if I'm downstairs watching tv or out clubbing!

So despite me understanding where you are coming from I don't think now is the time to mention it tbh. I agree with LucyJones that soon you will want friends who you meet in the daytime and who can give you advice and tips when you have your new baby. Bite your tongue until you want a girlie night out after your baby is born. Then at least you can say "Mylo will be being looked after by dh/dp, is your dh going to look after your ds so we can go out for a meal, some wine and a gossip"

Sory - having difficulty keeping up with the chat...

Lulumama - she did have PND for about 6 months but dr gave her treatment and she is now much better. Her relationship is quite rocky too.

Maybe I am just not hormonally equipped to deal with her and son at this moment in time. I just find myself frustrated with her and end up avoiding her. I have stopped suggesting doing anything together because I dread that she will just bring son along every time.

We had a cinema trip planned to go and see a real girlie film, she then cancelled three weeks in a row for varying reasons until my DH took me (I really wanted to see the film). She got the hump something chronic because I went without her but was I supposed to just keep on waiting?

Deckthehalls - good plan!

blimey, very odd that she got the hump that you eventually went without her. Tbh it sounds like you does still have issues, esp. if her relationship is rocky...

She swings from being blissfully happy with DH to wanting to leave him. My DH thinks she is lovely but finds her 'high maintenance' as he puts it!

Message withdrawn

ah, problems with her DP could explain a lot of it

maybe you will be able to sort something out over xmas if grandparents are around, or when you start maternity leave, to give you a bit more time so there won't be so many "scheduling issues".

try not to drift apart, it sounds like she probably needs you as much as you need her.

(btw i have only ever left my DS (2) in the evening with DH, his grandmother and his rather wonderful godfather for various reasons. he does go to nursery 2 days per week though - I relish my time alone)

I get so frustrated with her and talk to DH about it until he has glazed over but then I see her and immediately remember why I love her so much as a friend in the first place!

Arghhhh - hormonal.