Telling extended family - world war three? Sorry - long!

[Lwatkins]

Am in a bit of a panic! Am going home for christmas (very excited - haven't seen family since september)in a few days. Im nearly 17 weeks pregnant, my family (i.e. mum dad and sisters)have been absolutley amazing about it and very supportive.

But i'm also dreading going home cause xmas is the time all the extended family meet up, and they don't kow about my pregnancy. Now i love all of them to bits but the fact that i'm only 19, at uni, and not married let alone not even in a relationship with ex anymore (beans daddy) wont bode well with them - any of them! They're all very conservative catholics, whilst i am the complete opposite, i have no probs with them, each to their own and all that. (just incase you think im some kind of religion hater or something - im not!) But my pg isn't gonna sit well with them. Not only that but my cousin has just had a baby girl yesterday, (and she's married and settled, in her 30's etc) and i don't wanna 'steal her thunder'. Not only that but i found out one of my other cousins (married, settled, in her 30's etc) is due 2 weeks before me! so when she comes home this xmas everyone's gonna be all happy with her etc.
Now whilst im over the moon for both of them - truly i am, they're situations make mine look worse - a lot worse. I'll be the freakin black sheep of the family when this gets out. I don't wanna be the sourse of bad gossip in the family, and i don't want any of them thinking badly of me.

When do i tell them? Some of them are coming to us for xmas and boxing day, then ALL of them for new years eve and new years day. Whilst my bumps not huge, it noticable, especially as im a natural size 8 - my new found tummy will be spotted within miliseconds! I don't want them all just showing up and finding out, but i don't want to tell them cause of cousins, everyone will be making a big fuss of them and along comes me and puts a dark raincloud over the entire holiday!

What do i do? Anybody else been in this sort of situation before, if so how did things turn out? Am desperate for advice.....

Argh - I had a very similar situation, only difference was I married, after which my mum said I was pregnant. All my family are Catholics - I wouldnt say strict, but definatly practicing, but they took it well. My cousins girlfriend got pregnant a few months before me, and she was only a year or so older and unmarried. Most the family only found out when she was about 6 months gone, because of that, but no one really said anything! Shes just had her 2nd, 11 months after the first aswell. The only person who said anything was my grandad, but he's just like that!. Id tell them quite soon, rather than them find out via seeing your bump! I was 19 when I was pregnant, and everyones been pretty good with me

LW - you're incredibly brave going it alone, congrats on the pregnancy.

I'm unmarried & mostly people are too polite to comment but I almost 20yrs older than you so maybe people feel I was running out of time.
I know if my parents were alive they'd disapprove of me being unmarried - but also convinced that once they met my beautiful boy they would love him no matter what & I so wish they could be here to share him.
The fact that your baby is going to have cousins very close in age is fantastic (it is for me), if they live close enough maybe you could sort a child care share because if you're on your own you'll need all the help you can get.
Will bean daddy be a part of beans life - bean daddy's parents might be excited too.

One thing I will say - I feel a bit uncomfortable with the word bastard now - silly isn't it?

I'm unmarried too LW, although just a tad older. Well 36, but whats a few years eh? I don't give a stuff about being unmarried and I particularly don't give a stuff about people's religious beliefs. They are THEIR beliefs and not mine. What IS important is that I do my best to be a good mum and by the sound of it you will be - and that's the main thing.

Congratulations on your pregancy , it's great that your family are being so supportive.

Could you wear a sort of billowy top or something to keep your bump hidden? If people suspect maybe they won't say anything to your face/take the thunder away from the others.

Then you could make the announcement quietly after Christmas and deal with it all then, away from any disapproval.

When the baby comes you can just show them that being a young, single mum is not the catastrophe they think.

Lwatkins, Congrats on your pregnancy, and hats off to you for being so mature!

The fact that you are worried about other people just goes to prove how caring and sensitive you are..which also means you will make a fantastic mother!

If you want my 2p's worth I say sod the lot of them! Wear the tightest top you have! Show your bump and let them see how proud and happy you are! I think they would find it harder to be dissaproving in the face of your positivity. If its all doom and gloom and you tell them with head hung low then they will react to that.

If you tell them and they dissaprove it really is their problem!

Remember, today's news is tomorrow's chip paper! Let them talk and then will forget all about it!

Hold your head high! Your family are supportive and thats all that counts!

Happy Christmas!

wow, Myfairone, that was quite positive Wholeheartedly agree with it though

myfairone, can i employ you on a daily basis for feel good comments?! Thank you all for your kind words, i think i will be a good mum and am extremely proud to be pregnant with bean, i just don't want to be the one with 'bad tidings' and ruin everyone elses xmas by 'shaming' the family. If that makes sense
Im really happy for my cousins and yes it'll be fantastic having all three babies roughly the same age, can just see them all doing ring a roses when their a bit older! I was thinking about wearing a floaty top to cover bump, in the hope that even if someone noticed they'd be too polite too say anything.
OOOOOOO, this is so hard. I'm so happy with my life at mo and love the fact that there's this little person growing in me. And all i wanna do is show it off and be like - check this bump out! But at the same time as being overly proud, i'm fully aware that i have to be incredibly sensitive to how others may react, my heads going yay, be happy everything in the worlds fantastic! But at the same time going - walking on eggshells here, be prepared to be the gossip of the family!
I'm not ashamed with my choices, and certainly not at the fact that im not married etc. But am soooo aware of how this could go down with my family. Oh and my poor gran, she's getting on a bit bless her. She worries about me enough as it is. She'll have a hernia or something when she finds out!!!

LW - agree about the floaty top. Why not take the lead from your parents, they are probably really excited at the prospect & may even be showing off about it before you get the chance.

Didn't mean to sound negative (blame the insomnia) about the amount of work it's going to be (& you're at uni too ), at your age I told myself I wasn't ready for children, but now I have ds wish I'd had half a dozen of them. It is amazing, especially when you see them wriggling about on the first scan.

Good luck

Well, you know, they are going to have to find out sometime. And maybe, just maybe, you need to give them the chance to be happy for you and to celebrate the arrival of the next generation of your family.

What do your parents think about telling people? As they have been supportive so far they may have an idea about the best way to handle it - I'm guessing a big family announcement isn't the way to go.

Doyouwant you didn't sound negative at all - completely realistic in fact. Beans daddy is an awkward subject, have posted about the situation with him before and ended up very tearful over what i felt were some very harsh remarks made by other m'netters. No matter how i tell the story it would seem i come across as the bad guy and a total bitch, which is not the way i ever intentially meant to sound! So don't bother posting my worries about him anymore which is a shame cause there are a lot of concerns there! And as for his parents well, the less said the better. They dislike me to the high heavens, and i fear even if we were on friendly terms the mothers the type that would completely take over everything anyway - which i would never let happen. So really no matter what the situation we'd probably be on unfriendly terms!
I'm rambling!!! I thought when i first found out i was unready for this with my age and uni etc. I wouldn't change it for the world now, bean already means the world to me
Thank you for being so lovely x

Marym, my parents are as confused about how to tell everyone as me! My mums the only one out of them that gave up her catholic beliefs, she's seen as more of a boho figure in the family. Very understanding and relaxed etc. So if my family do fly of the handle my mum will be by my side every step of the way - with her 'guns a blazin' as she put it! Bless her, she knows im stressing about telling them, but i know she will defend me no matter what. Am so gratefull for my family!

Hi Lwatkins - firstly, many congratulations on your pregnancy - you sound so happy and excited. I think there are many helpful and supportive comments here. I think if your family (and particularly mum) are supportive you're halfway there. It might be a good idea to let your grandparents know ahead of time, particularly if it's likely to upset them (give them time to get used to the idea).

But I'd go in head held high and be proud. You sound very mature, you are being very considerate of other people's feelings, but don't forget your feelings. Don't let anyone else's disapproval (and there may be some) get you down. You sound like you'll be a great mum.

Have a great Christmas.

Thanks stargazer, what nice comments. Oh you ladies have bought tears to my eyes - flippin hormones!!!

Hi LW, I was in a similar situation to you, fell pregnant at 18 and split up with the dad, come from a catholic family, and was petrified! My parents really shocked me how supportive they were, and the rest of my family may have spoke behind my back but i didn't care, they were all lovely to my face! Anyway, when dd was born, she was the most spoiled little thing in the whole family, still is.
After she was born i got back together with her dad, got engaged and had another dd when i was 21, We got married last year and are now expecting no3 still get the looks and people saying it will be so hard having 3 kids at 24, doesnt matter whether your married or not people will always have their opinions good or bad, We couldn't be happier and thats all that counts, your happiness, and baby
Sorry to ramble just trying to show you that things will work out, and the fact that your parents are supportive is the best thing that could happen!
good luck with your pregnancy, and wear your bump with pride!!

LW- when I was pg with my dd I was unmarried, 20yrs old. I was with my partner at the time but everyone knew we wouldnt stay together... but I was dreading extended families reaction as they two are devout catholics but they all suprised me and supported me through out the pg.
Hopefully yours will shock you too. Asa they are devout catholics they obviously dont beleive in birth control etc.... and they beleive that every new life deserves a chance.

Hope the wording for that is right.
I really think you are brave for facing them and wish you all the best. Just keep your head head held high and let them know you dont need there support and blessing but would like it.

I sincerley hope they will shock you and be 100% supporttive..

Good luck.

ment to add one person was not happy... (my mum) but my aunty turned to her and said... "I would rather she told us she was pg than dying..." this put things into perspective for my mum..and she became supportive she was more upset as to who the father was though...

Twoplusone, glad that your mum was supportive and came around. My parents are not overly happy about who the father is and the way he has reacted to this situation, but they are the type of people that despite the fact they think he's been a bit of a s**t, they'll always treat him with warmth. They'd never be openly hostile towards him, which i think is one of their true qualities and love them more for it
My family are catholic and do hold their beliefs high, but they don't ram it in your face if that makes sense. They'll be more horrified at the idea of me having a baby outside marriage. Something that i don't ever think has happened in our family before. Hey - i'm breaking the chain and rebelling!!! They'll come around eventually i'm sure, they're a very loving family and we all look out for each other. It'll just be a big shock and they'll worry about me, but once they see the baby i'm sure they will be smittened. They will probably just need some time to adjust to the situation - i hope!

Me and DP were also the first on his side of the family to have a baby out of wedlock. His family weren't to impressed but we had confidence that we would manage, we had only been together for a few weeks, which in turn made them feel more confident about the situation. I really hope all goes well, you seem so positive and sound as if you have a supportive close family, I'm sure the rest of your family will feel the same soon. Good luck!!!!

In the end family is family, and they may not be happy, but they will be there. Besides it's hard to stay mad about babies being born.

As for stealing someones thunder, don't worry. I found out my sil was 3 months pg the day after ds was born, and the day we took him home from the hospital I found out my sister was pregnant. I was so happy that everyone had happy things going on with them.

Phewww! My mum just got of the phone to my gran and aunt - she's told them. They're in shock - rightly so, but turned round and said i will always have their support and when i fly home on saturday we're going to theirs for tea! Not worried about the rest of the family, as they can wait till the new year to find out. What a load of, ooooo could cry am so happy Back to thinking the world is perfect and covered in roses!!! Thank you all for your kind words and support x

god those pregnancy hormones eh?

Lwatkins, I am so happy your Mum took the lead and told your Gran and Aunt! (shes not been spying on this website to read your concerns has she?! JOKE!)

It seems to me that you have a very good support network..I do understand that you are concerned about your families feelings but don't forget that they will feed from you. If you are as outwardly enthusiastic as you feel inside it will be contagious!

And at the end of the day, if there are some that decide not to support you, then they are not the type of people you want to spend time with anyway! family or not!

Good going Lwatkins, keep up the positive attitude, its good for the bump!

Lwatkins- so happy for you.. You can realx a bit now.

Lwatkins, dinnae fret too much.Your Boho mum will protect you, we're built for rebellion and the resulting chaos it causes, lol. As far as, your previous thread is concerned, I remember it and my advice is screw all the critics, no-one can judge you based on an internet message board thread. Let them walk a mile in your moccasins before passing on negative comments. You're always going to come up against self-righteous folk, that's just the way of the world. What I always tell my two girls is, only YOU can give people the power to hurt you. It's how YOU deal with negativity, (Man, lol!) that matters. Pity them, for they truly live up their own arses.

I know your extended family must mean a lot to you but at end of the day, if their going to condemn you then you got to ask yourself the question, do you really mean as much to them. I myself am agnostic but surely Christianity preachs compassion and empathy. Just say out loud to them, "What would Jesus do?" That should silence them for a while.

Good luck and keep your head high.

Be your own judge and jury.

TLB.xx