Does this sound like prenatal depression?

[rageagainsttheBIL]

I am wondering if I have prenatal depression. I've felt a black cloud over me for the past month or so, I put it down to the weather (literal black cloud!) but yesterday was awful. Work was fine but when I went to pick up my toddler he was super tired and being very challenging, and I just burst into tears and didn't stop crying for most of the next 5 hours.

At the moment I feel like I'm detached, going through the motions, watching life through a fog. I feel like an utterly shit mum, wife, friend and colleague. I feel like I'm really letting down my unborn baby in so many ways - not eating healthily enough, not exercising enough, not thinking positively enough. I would never take my own life, but I was fantasising how if I died my husband would get a big payout which would take away any money worries for him and my son.

I want to get to 25 weeks pregnant (which I nearly am) because then if my unborn baby dies I can at least take some time off work without feeling pressured to go back ASAP. I feel anxious about the baby and this was really quite bad in the first trimester, I think i'm a bit prone to anxiety anyway but had a MMC earlier in the year at 12 weeks which seems to have contributed to these feelings.

But some days I feel fine and have a nice time. I still don't feel like I'm "feeling" life properly (the sense of detachment) but I don't feel depressed or unhappy. So I don't know if I'm just having "off" days or this could be depression. I'd really appreciate any thoughts on this. DH wants me to see a GP but I am quite cynical about what support they could offer me tbh.

It really sounds like you ought to see your GP ASAP tbh, the DH is right...the way you are feeling is Defo not normal pregnancy hormones and hoping to get to 25 weeks so if your baby dies you can take time off is a totally morbid thought I'd say seek help ASAP

OK thanks. I will give them a call. I'm really struggling to admit to myself let alone anyone else that I might have a problem tbh.

Everyone does no one likes to admit they feel like that and u Defo won't be alone x

I have imagined driving in to something so I would be arrested and then be able to sleep at jail. I have imagined different injuries so that I could get to hospital to sleep. Things like breaking my leg and thinking how bad I would have to do it to stay in.

I felt this way from about 12 weeks pregnant. I managed to make it to 13 months post birth. I was back at work full time for 12 months of that.

I have now had to be signed off. I can't say it is that much better tbh. I get you though and you should get help sooner than I did.

I often feel I will never,ever get better.

Please see your GP. Reading your post was like reading my mind two years ago - I had awful antenatal depression and anxiety.

I apparently have severe depression and anxiety. It is too late to attribute it to pre/post natal situations.

I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. I still don't know how to fix it...well I do you have to rest but that is impossible.

You might have a chance though if you take time off whilst your eldest is in childcare.

Yikes, you poor thing.

I think coupled with the fact that you are most likely hormonally suffering from Pre Natal D, i think a large part of the problem also lies in this line:

''not eating healthily enough, not exercising enough, not thinking positively enough. ''. All 3 of those things will be contributing hugely. When i dont exercise or dont eat well, i get down too. I know you have a toddler so you'll be short on time, but a 20 min walk in the evenings afte rhe goes to bed would help. And i'd highly recommend getting Hypnobirthing CDs too, they'll REALLY help- you could listen while you walk, that's what i do.

Very Best wishes to you, your post made me really sad, i hope you feel better soon :(

Thank you for all your replies, they mean a lot.

Chica I have been getting outside the last 4 days for half an hour for a walk and I've not felt much better for it tbh, however I did have a few days in the past few weeks where due to work or stuff at home I didn't really see daylight and I felt pretty low on those days.

Often I really struggle getting away from my desk/out of meetings (e.g. I'm driving to a meeting, having lunch in the meeting, driving back to do pick up) or the weather has been really foul. I do struggle finding time as my husband works quite long hours so once I have put DC to bed I make dinner for us and tidy up and then he gets back by which time I don't feel like leaving the house.

Today it's a nice sunny day here so I will head out for a walk. I think I have a hypnobirthing CD somewhere so will see if I can dig that out. I really wanted to do a hypnobirthing or pregnancy yoga course but again because my husband gets back late I can't go to any of the classes near here which all seem to start around 7.

Anyway - I have booked an appointment with the GP, they tried to give me one a few weeks away but speaking to them I realised I really didn't feel safe waiting that long which was a bit of a wake up call, so they are squeezing me in today.

Quick update: The GP was great and has referred me to counselling. I think I am lucky enough to live in an area where you don't have to wait long and I have a phone consultation next week. I have also since remembered that I have access to phone counselling via a private service through my insurance. Thanks for encouraging me to do something about this.

That's fab news I hope u start to feel better soon x