Mother upset that I don't want her there during labour?

[JennyC520]

So, my mum and I were discussing going to the hosp when I give birth. She said to call her immediately when I get contractions so she can come home from work to go to the hosp with me... to this, I replied, ' I don't need you to come with me/ I don't need you there'.
This came out sounding a lot more harsh than I thought it would... Anyway, she starts crying and ignoring me and wont look at me...

What I meant was, my fiance and I want to be in the birthing room alone, but you can be in the waiting room. I guess it didn't come out that way...

I had no idea she would react the way she did.. I mean... It's my choice who I have there, but on the other hand, it's her 1st grandchild so maybe she was excited and expected to be present for the birth? OR maybe she took it literally like 'my daughter doesn't want me at the hosp at all'.

She's at work now so I'll have to wait till she returns home to explain what I meant, but has anyone else had this situation... XYZ wants to be in birthing room but you don't want that etc, How did you handle the situation without hurting anyone... I handled it badly of course...

You need to stick to your guns. I know women who have had their mum in the room and it works for them, which is lovely. However, that isn't what you want. You want it to be just you and partner. It's your labour, your baby and it should be your decision. Do not feel guilty at all. My mum and mil would have cut their left arm off to be in the room with us, but both accepted that it should be the two of us. In the end, I was hospitalised with high blood pressure and went into labour the day before they were due to induce me. My mum came to visit during the afternoon visiting, by which time my contractions were becoming painful and regular and she just sat there saying 'it won't be long now'. She waited until visiting was over and I was taken straight to delivery! I hinted and hinted for her and my dad to leave, in the end I had to say 'I need you to go now, we will phone you when there is any news'. My mum would have been amazing during labour, but she would have taken over and that wouldn't have been fair to dh. DH was amazing and it was a lovely experience.

Your mother sounds crazy, and serously over invested in your life. I didn't tell my mother until after my baby had been born, I can't understand this trend for telling people when you are in labour - it's not a theatre performance. . I would tell your mum to seriously back off and get a life of her own otherwise she will expect to be part of every single event in your life.

God help me if I ever turn into that sort of mother - I expect my child to grow up, leave home and live his/her own life.

Is your mum generally controlling? Mine is and did exactly the same thing when I had my dd nearly 13 years ago. She didn't speak to me afterwards for about a week and once dd was there she even threw it back in my face by saying she didn't want to help with the baby as I didn't want her there at the birth! (I didn't even want her help but you know what I mean....!) even now many years later she will occasionally bring it up and throw it back at me. She's completely over bearing and it took me many years to realise what a normal mum relationship is. I've distanced myself from her quite a lot now.

My mum wasn't going to be there, but things got complicated after a few days at the hospital so she same down after a teary night of me begging for a c section.

To be honest my husband was glad of the change of scenery

When the big moment came she went for a coffee so it was just me and OH (plus 7 midwifes so was quite over whelming) when I'd popped him out she came up to see the baby- also gave my OH a chance to gather his thoughts and call his mum too. Then she went home.

It wasn't what we had in mind but it worked out well.

I did say to her originally we would like it to be just us two but obviously if we need someone there could she come. Which in the end we did.

Just from my experience I wouldn't make her feel unwelcome because you never know she might end up being there like mine did. Or just incase my OH didn't make it for whatever reason she was happy to step in.

oh god my mother did this when DD was born 15 years ago. she is a narcissist and generally self absorbed. we told her to stay at the house until we rang to say baby has arrived. when the midwives changed shifts, the new one came in and said oh, your mother is outside. outside the delivery room.

she was told to leave. she decided she was staying for 2 weeks after DD was born. it was hellish.

but that's me and my mother. I've been no contact for 9 years and it's the best thing I ever did. not all mothers are the same - your mileage may vary.

My mum was there when I had DS but only because I was not with his father, with DD she wasn't there and with DC3 she Defo will not be there.

Someone asked me the other day if I was having her there and I said absolutely not and they looked shocked!! I was like she will be there to watch my other 2 kids but the birth is something I want between me and the OH there's no need for anyone else to be there.

Parents/family can become far too overbearing and feel like it's their God given right to be there when it's not it's a special moment between you and your OH.

My mum was like this and in the end I was relived to need an ELCS so I could avoid the whole scenario!

I'm pregnant again but I think she understands a bit more now about what an intimate situation it is between a couple.

They still visited me in the hospital ward the second I arrived back from recovery :-/

Thanks for all the input :) No, my mum isn't usually very controlling at all. I think she is just veryyyyyyyyyy excited about her 1st grandchild, and perhaps still seeing me as a child. My friend mentioned to me how no parent wants to hear that their child no longer needs them, which is probably how I made her feel.. unintentionally of course.
Maybe I'll change my mind when the time comes but I've never been the type to turn to my mum when I had problems. Also, don't want her to see my bits! even if it is the last thing that's gna be on my mind.
She'll be home soon from work! will have a little chat with her to clear things up!

I was less concerned about my mum seeing my bits (she's seen them before haha) and more about my poor DH having to spend potentially 12+ hours with her in one room!

I really do think it's a time for couples. I know some people welcome a second birth partner but for me it's time for just the two of us...if you weren't there at the conception, you're not invited to the birth.

I'd check with your hospital also, ours doesn't allow anyone other than the birth partners on the labour ward at all and then it's set visiting times in the early afternoon and evening. It's just going to be me and DH

Im really struggling to understand your mums perspective. Im about to become a GM but i have never presumed anything. My ds & his partner have asked me to b there if her mum cant be & thats fine by me.

Its about you, your baby & your partner not your mum!

Tell her the hospital only allow one birthing partner. She could wait in the waiting room but it may be a long wait. She would benefit best to save the time off work, for the time afterwards, when you come home after your baby is born. Tell her you will nedd more support during your recovery post birth

My friend mentioned to me how no parent wants to hear that their child no longer needs them

Slight derail here, sorry, but really- some parents feel that? Personally, I want my children to feel they no longer 'need' me - it means they've become strong, independent adults capable of making their own way in the world. I'll always be here for them when they want me, but I'm certainly more than happy not to be needed as such.

I was really surprised when my mum suggested it to me, we've never been close. She did say 'I know you probably won't but to let you know I'll be there if you want me'. She was with my sister when she gave birth but she was young and her then partner was a dick.

Personally I'd prefer to be on my own but husband won't hear of it. And it is his child.

I don't intend to tell anyone when I go in to labour. Husband wants to tell his parents but I've asked him not to and he seems ok with that.

Well that's the nice way to check it, Juno. A cousin of mine was a second birthing partner to her best friend because BF wanted her there as well as the DH. The decision should be up to the woman, who is the patient, after all!

Did all these mums express surprise that they weren't invited to virginity-losing or first day of new job, also adult experiences...?

Juno, if you want to be in your own, I think you should get that.

I've never discussed the potential of my mum being there with me, she just presumes she will be. Saying things like 'i need a key to your flat so I can get you more stuff if needed' and making jokes about her boyfriend having some of my gas and air. It's even weirder she thinks her boyfriend will be there.

I've just left it and just smile the comments off. I will call her when I am home and settled as she is very overbearing and a worrier so would add to the stress of labour. Doing that leaves out any upset and arguments and I can just say it happened very fast or I didn't have my phone. Hopefully I won't be with her when my waters break

I would never even think to have my mum there, my mother hasn't seen me naked since I was a child so why would I want her to start now. It's an intensely private moment in my opinion, I will only have husband there and won't want visitors on the first day, your new family will need time to bond. I read someone say once that their MIL was expecting to be there, wtf some people have no boundaries xx