gestational diabetes - unsupportive husband.

[saraht84]

Hey everyone.

I'm 27 weeks and just found out I've got gestational diabetes. Not being seen at the hospital until next week so I'm relying on information online to see what I should be doing.

I'm terrified, after recurrent mc I really thought I'd make it this time. Just wish my husband could be more supportive.

I've been off work this week (annual leave) but usually work 40 hours. He thinks that if you're not working, you're being lazy. I do all the cooking and cleaning, all the time. This week he's made sure I'm up to iron his shirts and make his lunch - I work shifts so normally I'd be gone before he gets up. If I try to tell him he's being unfair it's always the same thing. He's going to work so I should be doing everything else.

The GD diagnosis has just made him worse. In his head it's because I'm fat. I'm a size 16 pre pregnancy and I have a bump small enough to make me paranoid! So now he's decided I should be on a really restrictive diet. Like I shouldn't be eating while he sits on his arse and stuffs his face. Last night I had two oat crackers before bed and he looked at me like I was a horrible person.

He doesn't understand GD and in his words he doesn't care. I feel so low. If he's like this now how am I going to take care of a child with him around? What happens if my health gets worse, he's never been to any appointments with me. I just feel alone and like he's against me. I really don't know if my marriage can survive.

Sorry for the rant, I'm having a real bad day.

I promise you he doesn't mean to be a cock. He can be the most wonderful man when he wants to be

You realise this is worse right?

He knows he is being a nob, he doesn't want you to feel valued, supported or loved.

I have to disagree there. He's not malicious. Yes, we row, but that happens. He's incredibly loving, affectionate and supportive.

Unfortunately at the same time he's never had to do anything for himself - his mom did it all and then somehow I took over years ago. I'm guilty of doing too much, I know that. It's not the controlling behaviour it's come across as.

So when you have a newborn and you're exhausted he'll still be expecting a perfect house, shirts ironed and dinner on the table then yes? Because reality check, you won't have time. And neither should you. He's a dick.

What jibber said.

Like you say it is easy for us to judge from one post. He doesn't sound at all 'loving, affectionate and supportive' from what you say; but you are living it and know the details.
Would a loving, affectionate and supportive man make you get up on your week off to iron his shirts and make his lunch? Or to say that you're fat and you ultimately are to blame for your gd? Or to not care about your gd and not attend any appointments?

If he's that bloody traditional then you should be staying at home full time, not working and being given housekeeping money with your only 'job' being to run the house (personally I would love that)What a selfish twunt he is.

I agree, I don't think it sounds malicious. What I'm clumsily trying to say is It's almost more insidious than that.

Malicious means tsomeone accepts you exist as a person your own right , and care enough about that to set out to be awful to you. That would be twisted and unpleasant, but here, even whilst you are defending him, the things you write make it sound like you just aren't important enough to him to register on his radar as a real live human that is equal in importance to him. Kind of like I wouldn't bother being nice to my sofa. It doesn't have feelings, so why would I bother. I wouldn't be nasty to it either, I don't care. I just want it to carry on being a sofa.

He has gone from his mum just doing everything for him to you just doing everything for him. It will come as a total shock when (in his worldview) the sofa suddenly has a huge strop and says no! I have feelings, I can't do everything. I am tired and ill and I need help and support and someone to care about me.

What I (and others) are trying to warn you is he might never be able to come to terms with that.

I hope for you all that he can make the transition. If he is a genuinely decent but slightly deluded chap, he should manage it It might be a rough ride for a few months though and good luck

He is emotionally abusive. Look it up.

I think he's a disgrace. Usually my opinion is there should be a bit of give and take in relationships and you can't expect perfect behaviour all the time from each other. But in this instance he is being utterly selfish and horrible. I agree with having a long hard think about whether the future is really with this man. Hope things work out for the best.

People on here can give their opinion on your OH but tbh I don't think that's going to make you feel any better. Yes he sounds like a dick however when someone has always taken over the mother role he's gonna expect so for that you could both be at fault. That is not to say I condone his behaviours but I think you seriously need to have a chat with him about how things are as shift work plus pregnancy plus GD is not a great mix so no wonder you feel shit. He needs to understand and appreciate that you are carrying his child if he can't then u need to think about things.

As for the GD you have you're app next week so you will get all your info next week just watch your sugar intake and try and eat as healthy as possibly as for being a size 16 tell him to sod off a size 8 can get GD. I hope your app goes well next week and you feel better soon xx

I was slim and had GD. I was diagnosed late and tried really hard with the diet, but my sugars were still haywire so had to have medication and scans. Baby was fine though (and not even that big). It's really sad what you're posting, as there's a strong possibility that you will feel increasingly tired as the weeks go by, and you really need the support of your partner. I think in even the most straightforward of pregnancies, the woman deserves to put her feet up, it's hard work growing a new human being!
You say that he is loving, affectionate and supportive. Hopefully you should be able to have a discussion with him about how things will have to change about him pulling his weight.

You do realise when this baby comes it will be up to you to tend to it 24/7 as it will be "your job".

Get this twat told and stand up for yourself before you end up delirious from no help with a newborn and most likely suffering from PND.
He sounds like a dick.

Hi Sarah

I was diagnosed with GD 2 weeks ago. I'm 29 weeks. I've been trying to manage just with diet but have been given metformin if I can't. I test my blood when I get up, 1hr after breakfast, 1hr after lunch and 1 hr after dinner. Tip for testing blood, press on your finger after collecting the drop of blood, it helps stop bruising and stops them getting painful.

Personally I've found I can't eat carbs at lunch or dinner as it pushes me over 8. I can eat plain porridge made with water, then I add 1tsp cashew butter and some berries. The fat and protein in the nut butter seems to help slow the carb release. I can't eat pasta, potato, bread or rice, they all cause my BG to soar.

I had lots of probe with a lazy DH in the past. My mum called him one day and went apeshit at him. After that he did much better, he needed a wake up call. He isn't perfect but does make an effort. He has also cut out all carbs at home to support me but eats them when he is at work to get his fix.

This isn't going to get easier when the baby arrives, OP.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm glad to hear that you have a lot of RL support and will be able to get out if you need to, Sarah - but you're right, you really DO need to have a talk to your partner because things are going to change enormously when the baby arrives, and if he seriously expects you to pick up all the slack AS WELL AS look after the baby full-time, then he's going to have to learn something has to give.

His mother has brought up a useless lump of a manchild, except that he has a job. You're right, you shouldn't have taken over where she left off, but you did - bygones - now you're going to need to explain to him that it was wrong and he needs to grow up and be a REAL man because his baby will need an adult father, not another child in the house.

And if he can't do that - well. Think again when that happens, IF it does.

Tell him to go fu*k himself! I'm sorry if that's not helpful but you must stand up for yourself. My husband does all of the shopping, cooking & dishwasher & most of the diy. I do the washings & other housework but I will help him & he will help me if asked. I don't think the excuse that his mother stayed at home is good enough as my mil also stayed at home most of her marriage and my fil is an incredibly 'traditional' (sexist) man. This is not the 50s, you work full time and you're growing a baby you need all the rest you can get. Your post has actually made me angry for you :( xx

So he thinks if someone doesn't work, they are lazy, yet his mother didn't work outside the home? Was she lazy too? When is he incredibly supportive? When he is getting his own way? Sorry about the million question post but this will only get worse when the baby comes. You think he's spoilt now, just wait until he has to play second fiddle to a baby. Nip it in the bud now. Do what you need for you and your baby. If he doesn't like it, then you know how supportive and lovely he is.

I'd get together the main points of what GD is, what affects it has on you and how it needs managing in pregnancy in bullet points onto a document, and print out for him. I'd text/email saying you want to speak to him tonight about something very important.

Hand the document over, and say you were shell-shocked, disappointed upset and angry at his lame response so far (being pregnant is hard enough, let alone a new illness diagnosis mid way though). Explain how you are feeling physically and its tough just getting through the day, let alone having to do extra tasks for him on top of this then cope with him stressing you out on top of this by nasty criticisms about your diet/weight etc.

Be Strong, direct and a bit scary..! Tell him from this point onwards it stops. He does his own ironing/crap. He also does at least half (most decent men do 70-100%) of other household duties/tasks during your pregnancy. If you make dinner, he does all the washing up and clearing away etc. He starts putting you first.

He has been unsupportive and a disappointment so far, but he can now go away read about GD and about pregnancy and its affect on a woman generally, and turn this around for the better, for the remainder of your pregnancy.

If he doesn't, I'd consider moving out.

Do people really issue their husbands printed handouts?

Mrs mugoo I think the above poster means all the medical terms etc printed out as it can be quite hard to explain an ilness especially if you're feeling flustered or upset, also some men respond better to hard facts than emotional statements x

exactly Kaytee thanks for explaining! x