do I keep it? Please don't judge

[bigbird86]

I can't sleep with worry and sudden feelings of pure panic. Please try not to judge me, I'm aware there are women out there who are infertile. I was told 80% sure that I was one of them. ......until I find myself 5 weeks pregnant.
The trouble is do I keep it? I've been with my partner for 4 years and we're in a loving relationship although there is tension as he still lives at home at the age of 32 and has never really grown up. He doesn't want baby but will support me either way. He is self employed but doesn't manage to work full time so doesn't have a big income. I've been asked why I'm with him and the truth is that he's the most loving caring man I've ever met, which is hugely important to me as I have an autistic 9 year old. .......This is where it gets a bit more complicated. I live with my son in a tiny 2 bed house with not enough room to swing a cat! Financially I get by but it can be a struggle, I work part time.
My son hates babies, they are too noisy and unpredictable for him. He has a half brother from his dad's new relationship and really struggled for the first 2 years to cope with visits to his dad's and constantly comments on how he's glad he doesn't have to live with his baby brother and that I should never have a baby.

So two days ago I went to an abortion clinic to check out my options and find out how far on I am. I was really upset as I thought I really wanted it but scared at the thought of having it and my partner not being able to cope and be a single mum. Anyway, they did a scan and shows in 5 weeks but they instantly thought it was ectopic. I had to have blood tests immediately but wouldn't find until the next day if it was definitely ectopic or not. When I found this out instead of sad I felt relieved.....I'd no idea why! Then realised perhaps I didn't want it so badly after all. I stopped stressing as I was convinced it was ectopic, but turns out it's not. My heart sank when I heard that.

I always thought I wanted a sibling for my son and to have a child with my partner but our unconventional family works how it is, I'm scared my son will hate me if I have this baby.
To top it off my mum's just been diagnosed with a brain tumor.
My partners suggested an abortion as I'm so early on and try again in a couple of years. I'm only 28 so I've got time.
I know people will say u can't choose a partner over your unborn child, that's not what I'm doing, this decision is hard because I need to do what's best for my son who struggles with everyday life and hearing a baby cry sends him into sensory over load and cries. My house is so compact that there's no escaping it.

I just don't think my son could cope and I don't think I could could cope should my partner decide it's all too much responsibility and leave.
Kind but honest words please, I'm already torturing myself enough over this.
Thank you

Please do what you think is best. I know you are seeking other people's opinions but they really don't matter. This decision is yours to make. Good luck with whatever you choose.

There's just too much to even go into half of it on here.

I feel like life's being pretty unfair at the moment and just needed to be told it's ok to feel the way I'm feeling.

I've not told my family my situation as they have enough to deal with with my mum and I don't have many friends as my son makes it difficult to socialise so I felt like this was the only way really

I can honestly say that in your position I would abort without any guilt or hesitation.

Take care

that's what we're here for

Sorry to hear about your situation bigbird

I looked after my mother during her chemo treatment for a couple of days a week to give my poor dad a break & its very emotional & can be a difficult time. Illness does strange things to people & my mother during those times was a different person to when she was well. Please don't underestimate how hard it can be when your mum is very ill, she won't be able to support you with a newborn & you may never get a respite from caring for 3 different people at once. Add in birth complications or PND & it has the potential to get very complicated.

If you choose to terminate then you mustn't feel ashamed or guilty about it, we are fortunate to live in a country where abortion is legal & where it can take place in sanitary conditions with appropriate medically qualified staff on hand. If its the right choice for you then you must do it & nobody has the right to judge you for it. Nobody.

Have courage :)

Thankyou thatsnotmyrabbit, I'm still going to feel massive guilt and always wonder what he/she would of been like but then If I kept it I'd be wondering if/when my son would snap

Poor you OP. Please don't feel guilty and give yourself a hard time. It sounds like any one of the reasons you've listed would be reason enough not to continue (not that a 'reason' is needed), let alone all of the issues combined. It seems you are already under a lot of pressure with various things, and of course your existing son needs you most importantly. Hope you are able to come to a decision that is right for you and your family. I agree with PP that, just because it is understandably a sad situation, that doesn't make not continuing the wrong choice.

Of course I don't judge you. When I say I was in your situation I meant with everything. The age of your son, the fact he has learning disabilities, everything. But my gut reaction was totally different to yours and it gave me clarity that I wanted a baby. Your gut has given you the opposite clarity and that's absolutely fine.

In both of our situations, having a baby would add pressure, be stressful etc. But the fact is that all those things are worth it if it's something you really want. If not, it'll just add stress because your emotions will bubble over into everyone else's.

I'm saying this as someone who would never personally have an abortion as well. You have to do what is right for you and yours, and although there will always be guilt, you have to make the right decision for you.

As a person who was in your situation but the reverse happened when I didn't want it to. There is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about. It's just life.

Thank you all for being so lovely to me. I think I had made my decision already but needed to feel that it was ok to do. I'm a fiercely protective mother and a very maternal person so making this decision was so difficult. Felt like I was being torn in numerous directions but deep down I know I can't have it

Hi bigbird. Horrible situation for anyone to be in. I'm only offering u my story as to an autistic sibling. I would never advise on a this as I think its deeply personal. My ds is 15+. Has adhd ocd and add. He too also hates children and even kids his own age. His life is so self regimented and takes violent meltdowns (violent to himself) if things don't work out how he had planned. He has threatened suicide, busted his nose on numerous occasions as too his fists pinching walls, he has appoint at young persons psychiatrist in December help with anxiety and depression. I was dreading telling him, was going to wait to 12 weeks. Felt worse than a teenager telling her parents. But he is v v smart and knew something was "different". He demanded I told him.what was wrong and I had to, as I didn't want to add to his anxiety. I was surprised at how well he took it. He is happy enough, so long as it stays out of his room. I just reassured him that he was going to be treated exactly the same and although things would be different, I try my best to keep his life on an even keel.

Asd not add

Thanks roto. I'm glad things worked out well for you and your son :)
I'm having to base this partly on how he reacted when his dad had another child. My son still doesn't really like going to see them and still has meltdowns and says he hates his dad and baby brother. That's been going on for 2 years now and hasn't improved any.

I've just had a phone call from the clinic I visited and they think that there's still something wrong with pregnancy anyway, they couldn't see a yolk sac or something?

Thank you for sharing your experience with me though, I just think of I had another child then I need to wait until my son's older

Mine was the same when his paternal aunt had a baby 6yrs ago. Oh he hates that poor child. Good luck with whatever you do x

I know how you feel, my son hates my niece and nephew (aged 4 and 2) he gets so angry just from being at their house for an hour with them

I just wondered, are you going to ask your son what he wants? Maybe it might provide some clarification/confirmation if you were still worrying, too.

Me and my partner brought up the subject with my son just to gauge his opinion when we first found out as my son's reaction would impact my decision. Obviously didn't mention I'm pregnant at all, just asked how he'd feel if we did have a baby one day.

He just flipped, told us he'd hate us and he'd hate the baby and would run away (he's tried this before) or he'd let a strange man take him away forever. Then he didn't speak to either of us for a few hours and just shut off from everything completely.
Later in the evening our neighbors baby started crying, his room is next to my neighbors babies room, and my son just started screaming for it to stop

Your son sounds like a big enough parenting job on his own. Personally though I would keep the baby anyway. I don't think anyone would blame you if you had an abortion in this situation though. Do what's best for you

I know there's others with kids with disability and went on to have more kids but yes I think for me in my situation it wouldn't be fair on anyone to bring a baby into the situation.

He really is a handful, so many issues which we need to work through with him that needs my undivided attention

OP it's your decision as only you know what's best for your family and situation. I'm pregnant with my third but my eldest child has severe ASD. He's really excited about the baby but as we know autism is different in every child and what causes anxiety in one might not affect another child with autism at all. I have a really supportive DH but wouldn't be considering another child as a LP.

You know your son the best and I'm sure you are under huge amounts of pressure anyway if you are living with a child with a disability. Cut yourself some slack - if you can't deal with a baby right now then you can't and anyone who even dares to judge you probably can't or won't understand the stress of the situation you are in - the meltdowns, anxiety, potential self harm. It seems like you have made your decision but just want some reassurance - there's no need for shame as sometimes doing the hard thing is the right thing. Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you for your support jjxm. I do think unless you have a child with additional needs then you can't fully understand the extra demand and time they take x