Disappointed with ante-natal session and info from midwife team

[MrsCrimshaw]

This is my first pregnancy and I am 35 weeks. My husband and I spent today at an all-day NHS-run ante-natal session. We had been hoping for information about early parenting, seeing how none has been offered so far. We spent all day sat on unbearably uncomfortable chairs with other couples, being given information about labour and how the baby comes out. Which is fine, but we are none the wiser about caring for our little one when he/she arrives!
We were going to go to an NCT essentials course but were advised the content was the same as the NHS one, and when I did enquire they only had one space and I would have had to attend on my own. The NCT offfered us a place on the £200 one, which we really couldn't afford.
The midwives running the course today (it was for Dec/Jan due dates) said they were trying to get more things going at local Child and Family centres, for early parenting and breastfeeding etc, and I would need to speak to my midwife about this.
My concern is that throughout my pregnancy, the midwife team seem to have assumed that we have a clue about what is going on, even though this is my first. After the initial booking appointments, we were misinformed about how to book the scans. We also were given no information about how to choose which type of scan to have at 12 weeks, and treated disdainfully when we didn't know how to decide. My 17 and 24 week appointments were missed, because my midwife hadn't informed me that I "should have known" to call for an appointment around those dates. She said "I don't know how we missed you"! She also told me to text her any concerns, which I have done but I don't get replies. If I ask questions at appointments I get a disdainful response, like I am somehow beyond stupid for asking. I don't feel informed about anything, and the info I have gleaned is seemingly only given out reluctantly, or if I happen to ask the right question at the right time.
Most of the information we have found out is through looking online. Is this "hands off" approach the same for everyone? I know two other people who have had similar experiences to me. Our local child and family centre have listings online for workshops for July/August 2015.
We need to know how to care for our child when it is born, we are willing and able to attend local sessions, which just aren't publicised. I don't know what to do!!

Babies are very basic. Eat, poo & sleep. As parents we feed them, clean & care for them.

When i had dc1 now 26, first time mums were kept in for 5 days. Showed how to feed them, bath them etc. The reality is you just learn as you go. Hospital is very different from home.

The NHS doesnt have the resources to teach parents parenting skills. (Sadly)

In this day & age with the internet, its possible to get masses of information in seconds.

I had never held a new born or changed a nappy when i had my ds & he survived. His first dc is due next month.

Good luck...you will be fine.

I don't think people who don't understand why you can't just Google it aren't living in the real world

Umm plenty of us had babies and worked out how to change nappies before google or youtube, very much in the real world thanks. You arent the first women to ever have a baby. I think you'll cringe massively at that comment in 10 years time.

Hmmm so you think that when someone posts on here to say they're nervous about not having a clue what to do when the baby is born is okay to get people commenting saying 'I don't see what your issue is, Google it'. I don't think I'll cringe massively to be honest as at least I'm not being rude or patronising :-)

It is quite rude to dismiss those who are giving advice based on their experience of the very thing OP is asking about as "not living in the real world" especially when you actually have no idea yourself!

Nobody has said they dont see what OP's issue is. People have said what she can do to resolve her issue, one of which is indeed google because whether you will use it or not, google will throw up masses of adequate information. Like i said, you are not the first woman to ever have a baby. There are billions that have gone before and many of them in recent years have contributed to a wealth of resources on the internet to enable other new mums to find their way in these times of financial constraints on the NHS. I understand you have a personal gripe with your own midwife experience, and i feel you are expecting some sort of resolution to that situation to be found here however nobody here can address yours or OP's midwife issues. Plenty can however direct her to places where she can find information on the practical issues she is concerned about.

tosurlycue

Surleycue I genuinely do believe the Internet and books are good for some things! But come on.... you actually asked OP 'what is it you need to know?'
Really??
In all your wisdom of being a parent I think you've forgotten what it's like to not be a parent and to feel totally overwhelmed and clueless!

We used to give out 'birth to 5' books in our area but we're told they were too expensive to produce so we now have to direct people to the site where you can download the pdf version

Here it is, hope it helps
www.publichealth.hscni.net/publications/birth-five

But come on.... you actually asked OP 'what is it you need to know?
Really??

yes, really. I wanted to know specifically what she needed help with and if possible i could advise or point her in the direction of a useful resource. What on earth is so wrong with that? How can anyone know how to advise her if they dont know what specific issues she wants help with?

In all your wisdom of being a parent I think you've forgotten what it's like to not be a parent and to feel totally overwhelmed and clueless!

I was a teenage single mum and remember all too well the feeling of complete cluelessness. However, i'm really not sure why you are saying this because i havent said anything to imply OP shouldnt feel as she does.

Must just be the way you word your posts then! If I listed all the things I actually want to know, I would be here writing for around 2 weeks! !

I got a birth to five book a bit like the Emma pregnancy diary in the bounty pack they give you at hospital, the one at birth with child benefit forms in etc.

Anyway I had ds1 at 19, didn't have the Internet, had no family nearby as was at university and there were no other students with babies really. We muddled along.

There is an abundance of books available and unlimited info online.

They will see how baby is feeding in hospital and after discharge and offer support if necessary, though if you want to bfeed it would make sense to research and see what bfeeding support there is in your area, again masses online.

Not sure you need to be taught to change a nappy, it's pretty self explanatory.

It isn't the job of the nhs to teach you how to parent but they have advise only re feeding and basic care and you will probably get a bunch of leaflets once baby is born, I always have done and you will also have a health visitor who you will see in yhe early days.

I actually wondered if your anxiety about your pending birth had made you a bit sensitive about the topic.

NCT classes don't focus on post-birth stuff either with the exception of breastfeeding.

I'd never changed a nappy or fed a baby til DD was born. Nor had DH. But you very quickly get used to it. For what it's worth I never bathed either baby until the frankly yucky umbilical stump had fallen off. At which point you stick an elbow in the water and try to hold onto a very slippery baby

ALR I do think you're misreading Sue's posts. She was only asking what the OP was specifically wondering about.

The birth to 5 book was great think I've still got it somewhere, I don't think I ever expected the 'antenatal team' to give advice about looking after a baby, tbh I don't think I was ever worried about how to look after a baby ( even though I'd had nothing to do with babies!) was more worried about giving birth!
You'll have plenty of visits when you get home with the baby, the midwife or support worker will come for ten days and then health visitor, you will have their numbers or mat ward number for any concerns, they will inform you where to access breastfeeding advice. I would just relax and enjoy your sleep while you can

If you're in the North East, the Birth & Baby Network classes are cheap but amazing. And you can pick individual classes depending on what area you want more information on, rather than dropping £200+ on going over it all.

I'm finding this book very useful, covers changing a nappy and bathing, cleaning, feeding - total idiot's guide:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1904760511?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00

I'm six months pregnant with my first and have used google loads when questions have popped into my mind- things like what a new born needs to keep it warm at night, how to attempt combi feeding, sterilising bottles, getting into a routine. It didn't cross my mind that the NHS had any responsibility towards my education as a parent (I'm not saying my POV is right, its just I feel personally its up to me to find my own way). I tend to get a bit put off when I'm told "the right way" of doing something and hope that some kind of motherly instinct and a bit of research will get me there.

Hello everyone, thank you for all your comments. We went to a local sling meet today (we are on the South coast) and were reassured by lots of the parents there who said they'd pretty much made it up as they went along.

I still struggle with the idea that you are given charge of a human being with no basics given as standard beforehand as to how to take care of it, but if you all managed then I guess we will too. I'm scared at the responsibility (how to avoid damaging the baby when dressing it, how to hold it, bathe it etc) but will look up the resources you have all suggested. I don't have a problem with self-educating at all, I just didn't expect to receive zero guidance and it came as a surprise.

Oh and to the person who asked if I have been around babies - no I haven't! I last held a baby when I was 18 and am now 37. Not because I don't like them, just because I haven't had any people with babies in my circle.

We have decided to complain about the midwife service after the baby is born and things are settled. I just hope that I don't get my regular muppet midwife during labour... I might use the excuse of being very angry during contractions to tell her to f-off out of the room!

Thanks for the support :)

The community midwifes don't usually work on the delivery suite as well - don't think they'd quite manage to fit a 12 hour hospital shift delivering babies as well as running clinics and doing home visits!

You won't get your regular midwife during labour! Community midwives are not usually on the labour wards as well. You'll just have whoever is there.

pottering is correct, if you're under community midwives, you won't see them at labour.

Hi Mrs Crimshaw,
I'm in a similar boat to you I think, I'm 19 weeks pregnant and getting information from the local midwife is like getting blood from a stone. There is one pregnancy related class in the entire area (unless I want to travel to the big city, which is a two hours drive each way) It's aquanatal and the midwife only turns up top half the 'classes'.
I had no idea I was supposed to have a 17 week appointment until I read this post, I've not seen the midwife since I was 13 weeks. My scan appointments have been made directly with the hospital, so the midwife hasn't been involved.
I feel utterly unprepared, none of my local friends have kids, I've never changed a nappy and have only ever held one or two babies in my life!

Sorry I don't have any advice, but I share your feeling of being a bit miffed!

There isn't a 17 wk app but there is one at 16 wks, in your hand held notes there is a page listing when you should have appointments.

Hi 5madthings,
I've just looked through my notes and there is nothing in there about when I should have appointments - possibly because I'm in Scotland the format of the notes is different? I've found an article online and it seems I've definitely missed that 16 week appointment, and I'm due another when I'm 25 weeks.
If I'm totally honest I've just had a massive cry about it because I feel so utterly alone, so I think it's time to stop hijacking Mrs Crimshaw's thread, go to bed, call the midwife in the morning.

Don't be upset about it toolonglurking they will still see you you won't have to wait till your next one, they'll squeeze you in. Didn't they write in your notes somewhere at what points they see you and what they do at that appt? The best thing to do is every time your at the appointment make your next one while your there with the midwife.

Oh I am sorry, didn't mean to upset you. Def phone in the morning and they will squeeze you in before the next 'scheduled' appointment.

They don't do much at 16wk one, take blood pressure, do urine test (so take a pot of wee) have a general chat and they may listen in to the heartbeat.

I am in England so yes maybe hand held notes are different, mine have a list of when I should have app. I am 19wks,I have my 20wk scan on 18th Nov and will see midwife again at 24/25 wks. I couldn't make that app when I had my 16wk check as the diary didn't go that far.... So I need to phone up a few weeks before then.