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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

When do I tell the dad - new born ???

15 replies

Cheshirehello79 · 03/11/2015 20:49

I refer back to a couple of my blogs .... Cut story short I ended relationship with my ex( was very short term) only to find out I was pregnant a week after I ended it. I did tell him but I wasn't going to go back on my words and decided to keep the baby and do it alone.

Hes not been there through out the whole pregnancy and have done it alone . Some may say my fault as I never really invited him to any scans but did send him pictures later ( I felt need more of my closed ones support than him) but then again not once has he contacted me to see how I was doing unless I initiated the conversation. Come 6 months when I asked him if he's going to support me in any way he requested a paternity test - so I agreed but thought no need to be in touch until birth of baby.

Now here is the question...

When do I contact him to tell him the baby is born. I'm not going to have his input in choosing the name and I've decided he's not going on birth certificate .

My concern is I don't want to be bombarded with texts and calls once I tell him asking me to come see the baby which he has the right do as him family but I just don't know how to make it work. !!!

As he requested paternity test I was thinking of getting that sorted first before any engagement ..

What's your advise guys?? I'm now full term ... So anytime now

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Penfold007 · 03/11/2015 20:59

Realistically DNA can't be harvested until baby has been born. I wouldn't offer any payments until I knew I actually was the father. If he is the father he has an obligation to financially support the child and a right to a relationship with them.

If he wants to go on the birth certificate he has the right, he may have to go to court but it is his right not your choice.

Morally you should tell him shortly after the birth and get the DNA sorted. You can't avoid engaging, you need his DNA.

Original poster

Cheshirehello79 · 03/11/2015 21:17

Well I was thinking of contacting him maybe 2 weeks after birth that way hopefully I'll be all relaxed and can entertain people then. I'm just trying to avoid any unnecessary stress just straight after giving birth - I don't think he's even bothered to be honest .

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VimFuego101 · 03/11/2015 21:19

I would just put in a CMS claim and allow him to request a DNA test as soon as the baby is born. It would save you going back and forth with him about arranging it when you should be resting and bonding with your baby. It doesn't matter whether he is on the birth cert or not to do the claim.

Original poster

Cheshirehello79 · 03/11/2015 21:25

Good idea vim - but then again I don't want him to think I'm after his money ( not that he's minted!!! I wish)

I'm just confused - I feel like just cutting him off unless he texts me - he certainly does know baby's dye date - if he's really interested I'm sure he would ask ?

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worrywart15 · 04/11/2015 05:12

cheshire I completely et where your coming from, if he knows the due date then he should get in contact, if he wants a paternity test then he should get it. You do not need this stress at the moment. Personally if I was in this situation I would more than likely let him know the day I have lo, but make it very clear I want no visit from his family friends etc until I am well and settled. If he chooses to see the baby, great . If not, it's not your loss just claim support for your lo from csa. You and your baby are the priorities here. Not a man shying away from his responsibilities.

wannabestressfree · 04/11/2015 06:22

I would text him when your ready to say the baby has arrived and then let cms deal with it.....

Penfold007 · 04/11/2015 08:49

I like Vim's suggestion. You may not be 'after' his money but he needs to financially contribute.

BexusSugarush · 04/11/2015 15:53

Just be aware morally that if you ask him for money, he has a right to see the child. Whereas if he doesn't pay, he has less moral right to ask to bond. You should put him on the birth certificate so that your child can one day choose to meet their father (if they decide to, and if he hasn't been around) but I can understand why you wouldn't want to. You're the one that's done all of the hard work and taken on all of the responsibility here. Just make sure you put your child's interests first and the best of luck x

Pootles2010 · 04/11/2015 16:00

Bexus with the greatest respect, thats simply not true. Contact and financial contribution are entirely separate, and rightly so.

The child has a right to a relationship with its father, regardless of whether he contributes or not.

BexusSugarush · 04/11/2015 16:12

I understand that, which is why I used the term 'morally', as it seemed to be implied that she wasn't chasing him for money. I just wouldn't like to think he'd throw it in her face that he is paying so he has a right to see the child. I agree that a man should pay for ALL of his children, whether he sees them or not, but I know that not everyone wants/requires that.

BexusSugarush · 04/11/2015 16:17

Likewise with the birth certificate suggestion; he should be on it so that even if he doesn't make the effort throughout the child's life, the child can decide on it's own later on. However, what we think is right and what the mother of the child chooses to do with their life are two completely different things, I was just putting forth my opinion; it doesn't have to match everyone elses.

Pootles2010 · 04/11/2015 16:18

Oh fair does! Yes i see what you mean, if you wanted to not see him again it would easier if you didn't ask anything.

Boosiehs · 04/11/2015 16:19

It's his choice to be on the certificate. If not married he would have to go with OP and register.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 04/11/2015 17:29

In my personal opinion, I would let him know that the baby has been born when you feel ready. In reality, you are going to need at least a few days to recover from the birth, and you simply don't need the added stress of sorting this out.

Take a few days to recover, but do set a time limit. I'd say a maximum of 10 days after the birth, you should have contacted him to let him know that the child is born, and he is welcome to apply for a paternity test should he wish to do so.

On the birth certificate, I actually don't think you can put him down without his permission anyway, so that's a moot point. If he wants to, he can go through legal channels to be added, although it sounds like he would want to wait for the paternity test results anyway.

If he wants to visit, then don't be obstructive, but obviously he will need to understand that there will be limitations - e.g. you won't be in any condition to travel far, and there will probably be a short time limit as the newborn will need feeding, sleeping, etc etc (as will you).

Original poster

Cheshirehello79 · 05/11/2015 00:15

Thanks for all your comments guys

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