Lost my son at 23 wks. Now 20wks with 2nd pregnancy. Not coping

[FrancoisLaPrune]

Hi everyone, I thought I would post here as I am really not sure where else to turn.

As the title says, I am currently 20w3d with baby no. 2. I am a complete and utter emotional mess and I can't seem to shake the feeling that at my anomaly scan this Wednesday, I am going to be given bad news. This whole pregnancy has been clouded with this overwhelming feeling of despair and I can't seem to relax and enjoy what should be an amazing time for DH and me.

In 2013 I was pregnant with my son, I was excited when it came to my 20wk scan. Unfortunately that scan changed my life forever. I was told there wasn't enough amniotic fluid, I was referred to a consultant the following week where I was told to make the decision to have TFMR or wait and see. The decision was taken out of my hands as I went in to premature labour at 22w5d and my son was born sleeping.

It destroyed me. It took until March this year for me to feel in the right place mentally to TTC again. We conceived in June / July and that brings me to now.

For the last couple of weeks I have struggled to think of any thing else, I can't seem to stop crying and I feel like I am mourning for this baby even though I have no reason to believe there is anything wrong. I keep having flash backs to the hospital room where I gave birth, I keep reliving the emotions and heartache.

The thought of going to this scan on Wednesday is making me physically sick. I am dreading it. I have no reason to think anything is wrong but I had no reason to think that last time and I was told the worst. This despair is taking over my life. I am normally a level headed, rational and logical person but all sense seems to have gone out of the window.

I don't know how to cope.

I thought I could speak to my midwife but I don't have any contact information for her. I saw one midwife at my booking in appointment, another one at my 16 week appointment and was told then I would be seeing someone else for my 24 wk appointment as they were changing over again. I tried to call the first midwife I saw as that was the only one that gave me a phone number but she doesn't answer or respond to messages.

My GP is useless and has been no help.

Last time, I was told if I got pregnant again, I would be under consultant care from week 16. I am not actually being seen until the end of this month - this would be after I gave birth last time so I don't fee there is any point.

Sorry for the waffle. I just feel so helpless

So sorry you are having such a tough time and not being supported. Well done for posting here and reaching out.
I had a premature baby who was born with lots of health problems. I'm sorry to read that you lost your son. When I became pregnant this year I told my mw my full history and she flagged up that I am high risk. I see my consultant this week when I'll be 14 weeks. I also rang the screening mw before my 12 week scan because my son was born with congenital defects and I was worried about my scan.I had to go through the main hospital switch board to get the number but it was worth it. I had a good chat with her and she told me keep telling people about my history, even if it's written in my notes because it doesn't hurt to let people know again. If you can't get through to a real life person how about ringing one of the support group helplines like bliss or Tommys. You may feel a little better for sharing your worries about this pregnancy. There is also a fb group that I know of for people who have lost a baby through pregnancy or as am infant
If you want to pm I can send you the link, it may help to talk to other mums who understand what you have been through. X

P's the screening mw offered to come and meet me at my scan, so maybe something like that having a friendly face to meet you could help? I declined in the end but it was good to know that she was about if I needed. Do you have your mum close by?

My heart goes out to you.
I just want to say that I have read your post and despite not having experienced anything similar to you, I can feel your pain.

I hope someone wise come along soon who may be able to guide you in the right direction. X

I'm about 25 wks and lost 1 twin earlier in the year in a miscarriage and the second twin 4 days later in a hospital blunder.I understand you will be suffering right now as part of you is still very connected and mourning the lost child.Every baby is unique and different try to focus on this being a new child and not the same or a continuation of the last.Instead of having month old twins I have over 3 months to wait till I know it will be ok.1 lady told me "if its meant to be its meant to be"so focus on how if this baby is meant to survive it definitely will and it is very much a new different baby to the lost one.

I am so sorry for your loss. My DS lost her first at 27 weeks due to an eclamptic fit, she gave birth to a stillborn little girl, it was the most tragic thing we as a family have ever had to go through. However, my point in telling you this is to let you know she has since gone on to have 2 very healthy boys. She was monitored very closely with lots of MW apps and scans during the second pregnancy, and as all was ok they eased off a bit on the 3rd, however still more apps than a "normal" pregnancy. Shouldn't you be monitored more?

get in touch with the hospital and let them know your concerns, even if you just go through to the switch board they should point you in the right direction. All this worry is doing you no good and maybe they might be able to put your mind at rest. I had an early reassurance scan at 5-6 weeks of this pregnancy due to lots of pains, surely they could do something for you after what you have been through?

Again I am so sorry for you loss

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I am sorry to read of your losses BryonyBirdy123 and your DS's loss Everythinggettingbigger and thank you for your kind words Panther79

Autumn2014 I will send you a pm for that link thank you. I have 'liked' the Tommy's FB page and was thinking of contacting a Tommy's midwife for some help. My DM is close by, I have tried to speak to her but she just says that its different this time and it'll be ok. I know she means well but it doesn't make a difference.

I think you are all right, I will try and contact someone via the hospital rather than through my GP/Midwife. Hopefully I can speak to someone who can give me some guidance and support. I want to enjoy this baby.

I guess I am just searching for the reassurance that this time everything will be fine but nobody can give that to me. Not until I am holding this baby in my arms will I know everything is ok.

I've replied to your pm

I'm so sorry for your loss earlier in the year. It may be worth contacting your local hospital and requesting to speak with the consultants secretary to explain the situation and get an earlier appointment.

There should be a contact number on your consultant appointment letter.

Hope you get it sorted and that all goes well with your scan on Wednesday.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son was born prematurely in 2013 and died when he was 10 days old. I am now getting closer to the point in this pregnancy where things started to go wrong so I totally understand your fear.

I'm in a very different position however as I am being wonderfully well supported by the team at my hospital and the community midwifery team. I'm so angry for you that you are not getting this support. If you don't have the number for the community midwife then I second the suggestion of phoning the hospital. I'm sure they would be happy to help you through this if they know you need their help.

I also recommend the Angels and rainbows thread in antenatal clubs on here & the sands forum. There are lots of people who have been in your position and understand entirely how frightening it is.

for you and please keep posting here if you need a hand to hold.

I don't have anything useful to add but wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My friend is going through similar, she lost her first pregnancy at 20 weeks 18 months ago and is now at 26wks but worried sick all the time. I cannot imagine how either of you are feeling, it must be incredibly stressful but I wish only the best for both of you.

Aw I'm sorry. Do you have to go for a scan? Maybe you could avoid it x

Just thought I would come back with a quick update. Thank you all for your messages.

I did go to the scan and I am so glad I did. Everything appears fine and we having a little girl. The sonographer was amazing, she had obviously read my notes and she was quick to reassure us that the fluid levels were absolutely, she asked whether we ever found out what had caused the fluid loss last time. I think she could tell how on edge we both were as she was so thorough and reassuring, we were in there for 40 minutes and she talked through every little thing and answered all of our questions. She was amazing.

Relief is an understatement. I feel like the weight of the whole world has been lifted from my shoulders and there were many tears.

I have been booked in for a further reassurance scan in two weeks and I have a consultants appointment the week after. I was also given a contact number for the midwife team at the hospital and have been told to call any time I need to.

I actually feel well looked after now and I am going to try and relax and enjoy the ride.

xx

Hi Francois,

So pleased to read all is ok. As someone who hasn't experienced such heartache but is still anxious quite often I can't imagine what you have been going though up to now.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy & congratulations

Great news that you have past this milestone.

I'm so pleased that everything went well with your scan. I can't imagine what you went through losing your son, my heart breaks for you it really does. I'm sending you lots of well wishes for a smooth remainder of your pregnancy xx

Wonderful news!