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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant and husband doesn't want another baby

44 replies

C4ALR · 30/10/2015 22:59

I don't know what to do my da is 40 I'm 28, he has 2 children from a previous relationship many years ago and we have our own son who is nearly 2, we've been together 10 years.
Basically my dh didn't want any more children when we got together but because I did we agreed we would have one.
Took 3 years to conceive after lots of tests, medication and a miscarriage.
I have now fallen pregnant on no medication (God kbows how) but my dh really doesn't want me to keep it.
He says our life is perfect we've just redone our house built an extension, our son is at a fantastic age which we are enjoying so much. But.... I don't know if I can give up the chance of another baby. He's concerned because we had lots of troubles throughout my other pregnancy.
Basically iv got a choice, I don't keep the baby and we live as we are or I keep the baby we sell up get divorced get a place of my own out of our house sale and I do it alone.
I'm so confused I love my life only today I was saying I wouldn't plan another one, I don't want my son o grow up without his dad around but would I resent my dh if I didnt keep the baby.
Please any advice x

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 31/10/2015 08:06

Well you marriage is over now that you know your husband is a selfish bully who would try to blsckmail you into an abortion and use abandoning his toddler as a threat to keep you in line.

Your decision is just whether you want to be a single parent to one child or two.

Toraleistripe · 31/10/2015 08:07

God. People get pregnant accidentally all of the time and though not planned ,many cope, make adjustments and it's fine. I can understand he didn't want another baby but it's here now and honestly.....it's only a baby! He know you want it and he's threatening divorce over it! How horrible!

His behaviour is actually nasty. Holding you to ransom. I think if someone behaved like that to me I would be questioning the relationship. He sounds awful. Sorry you are in this situation.

C4ALR · 31/10/2015 08:12

I don't know really. He has got a selfish steak but he is also so lovely and we generally have a really good relationship, do nice things together he's a brilliant dad to our ds

OP posts:
RaisedByWolves · 31/10/2015 08:17

Your dh reasons about not being able to support you because he just couldn't handle it (never mind the other ones) and might get depressed. This seems very topsy turvy. The pregnancy is about you - its not his drama! He needs to man up and accept that we might be called on to do difficult things to support loved ones. He may have two kids but you don't - so why would he deny you the chance to have another one? I agree with what everyone else is saying here, you would regret aborting the baby. Its your choice.

This might not mean the end of your relationship, perhaps a change

  • and its difficult to see how big because he might think differently once the shock has worn off. Even if you did separate surely he would stay a father to your child?

IMO you should keep calm. Worrying and stress is bad for you and for the baby and wont change anything. Distract yourself until Monday when you can see a doctor. If you cant wait maybe look into booking a private scan today or tomorrow? Take some prenatal vitamins and try and flip this on its head and maybe think of some good things that might come of this. Best of luck!

BeenAndGone · 31/10/2015 09:38

So you have difficult pregnancies. HE can't cope with it so will divorce you so you can suffer alone while coping with his child. Really??!! I don't think he's a brilliant dad at all.

The trust would be completely gone for me. Shortly followed by the love.

What if you developed a illness that made him feel a bit depressed - would the marriage over?

Please don't feel pressurised by him into doing something you may regret. Especially as your marriage may not survive anyway. Take your time to work out how YOU feel without his feelings overshadowing everything.

Alb1 · 31/10/2015 10:00

He sounds horrible, marriage is about sticking together no matter what life throws at you, you never no if your going to make it to old age happily or if one person will get ill, wether youl get into financial trouble, someone will have an accident, but marriage is about facing everything together. So to force you into a choice like that over a miracle pregnancy just isn't right, crazy that he'd give up you and the son he loves without even giving it a chance. Seen as he's acting for himself you need to do the same, make the decision that you can life with, and if you choose not to abort then who knows, maybe hel come round once he's stopped panicking and thinking he can just make it go away again. I hope you've got someone in RL that can provide you with some support at the min Flowers

Skiptonlass · 31/10/2015 10:58

Doesn't want another baby
But hasn't bothered to have a vasectomy
And will divorce you if you keep it.

Charming man ... Takes zero responsibility, and his word is law. Personally I'd be divorcing him .

Iammad · 31/10/2015 11:06

So if you decided to keep the baby he would just cut you off, like that?
He says he would worry about the implications of another on your health but wouldn't worry about you or the baby if you were to keep it? He would just ship you off to another house.
Tbh I think its a smoke screen saying he is worried about you.
I think he just dosent want to have another and is thinking of himself.
I'm 28 weeks pregnant now and went through the same, although husband came around after a few days and realised what a prick he was.
I could never aborted (I'm not anti it's just not in me) and I knew if I was made to I would never feel the same about my husband and it would be over anyway.

ElleAndAitch · 31/10/2015 11:15

You know what, OP? I didn't like the sound of your partner before I got even to the end of your post. You were 18 when he, a thirty year-old, entered into a relationship with you. He lets you have a child and threatens to abandon you and it when you inexplicably become pregnant again (BTW, what is this medication that is so magical you would 'never get pregnant without it'? Clomid? Because no-one with half a brain and so desperate as your partner is to never procreate again would not wear a condom or get a vasectomy).

I know you are back-pedalling a little in the face of our attacks on your husband but there is no escaping he is pretty revolting in his utterly callous regard for you and your son. Get rid. He's going through a mid-life crisis.

seven201 · 31/10/2015 18:46

I seriously think you should show him this thread. He should then realise how crazy and controlling he is being. You are defending his actions as you love him but he is putting too much pressure on you. Yes he's freaking out too but he sounds like a control freak. If you did abort you would resent him and the marriage would probably end eventually. I'm sorry but he just doesn't sounds like a good person. I would hate that if someone said that about my husband but you need to face up to reality. Could you speak to a friend?

Castledolorous · 31/10/2015 19:31

I fell pregnant after being sterilized six years previously, my H said he didn't want a third child but the decision was mine to make. I lost the baby before I had to make an almost impossible choice but then H left me for a woman with three children - kick in the teeth there, thank you ex-h! Flowers for you OP in whatever happens now.

Cheshirehello79 · 01/11/2015 02:00

That's his baby too - how on earth can your own husband who you made vows together through thick and thin give you an ultimatum to get rid of the baby!

You don't sound like you are that far on. I will hold fire till your 12 weeks scan making sure the baby is fina and all ok. In meantime if I were you I would speak to him and let him know you would like to keep the baby and it's his decision then. Can't believe he would walk away from his son and forthcoming baby cause he can't cope with things ( how selfish) !

You do what you think is right as at the end of the day what ever decisions you take you will have to live with it for the rest of your life.

You said it yourself you tried for a while to have a baby and got lucky . You've now been sent another blessing and its your decision ... Whatever you decide good luck but I would seriously have a word with your husband about this !!!

captainproton · 01/11/2015 02:27

You've got to have it out with him, an ultimatum. Or at least I would, some people say weird shit when in shock. But if they still say it after its sunk in then you know where you are.

Personally I would be maKing it very clear that if he had no desire to have anymore children he should have sorted that out himself. He is as responsible for this baby as much as you. The decision is yours, your body as likewise if he has a problem with that he needs to take control of his own contraception.

He cannot pass the blame Buck to you because you have a womb. Push it Back to him, tell him if he doesn't step up and support you right now (through sickness and health) then he can fuck off.

You need to stand up to this man, he is older and probably used to bossing you around, but my dear you are going to have to stand up to him and not put up with emotional blackmail.

1frenchfoodie · 01/11/2015 07:37

He isn't coming across very well but I wonder if he is in a blind panic and not thinking straight. It seems he just wants to 'undo' this pregnancy but he must know there is no neat solution. If he thinks weathering a pregnancy together will be an intolerable strain and make him depressed has he really thought about the effect on you and his mental state of the options he has presented you?. I can't see a forced termination or having you go through the pregnancy, divorce and bringing up his children alone sitting well on the conscience of many people. If you think he has thought this through and really does think that is preferable to staying together with a new baby then I cannot, sadly, see how the relationship has a future.

VocationalGoat · 01/11/2015 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babybrain32 · 06/11/2015 05:04

I'm sorry but what a twat! How can a man be so selfish towards his wife and HIS unborn baby. There are some couples out there who sacrifice their whole life marriage and money into having a child and he is willing to throw it all away???? I would 100% keep your unborn baby. You will look back and thank him for being a complete bastard in the future when he is old and grey and alone. God! Made me mad reading this Angry

brookeberry · 06/11/2015 11:46

C4ALR how are you? Although I do agree with what the other posters have said, my concern right now is for the pressure you have been put under. Let us know how you are Smile

hebs72 · 06/11/2015 18:53

Oh dear - I do feel for you, as I've been in exactly the same situation. I hope we're coming out of it, and I do feel quite differently to some of the other posters: I'll try to explain why.

My dh and I have been together for 13 years, and I've been off contraception for 4 years (I've just turned 43). I had a mc nearly two years ago and, earlier this year, when my cycle still hadn't settled down, I had various tests and was told I was peri-menopausal, and we should think about adopting.

Long story short, I fell pregnant (like you, I didn't know my dates) and my dh fell apart. He said the only reason we'd kept 'trying' was because he couldn't take how upset I was over the mc, but that he'd never wanted children. On one hand, I wanted to throw things at his head, yell about what a stupid ba*rd he'd been and why hadn't he told me, rather than letting me carrying on hoping. BUT - on the other hand, how could I really let rip, when his reason for carrying on was in trying to make me feel better, regardless of his own feelings. (Don't get me wrong: I've had several episodes of leaving the house in hysterics, and not knowing how I was going to face him.)

I've had weeks of sleepless nights, wondering how I could afford to rent by myself, should I terminate, whether he'd be happier without me (we have a fab relationship otherwise), would I be able to work full-time with a baby, how soon should I go back to work..... you get the idea.

Anyway, he has now admitted he hasn't been able to cope, and has been diagnosed with moderate/severe depression - he's had a lot of things building up, and this tipped him over the edge. I do think he feels better, even just starting to admit that he couldn't cope - and I think it's a very male thing to not be able to admit weakness. He's scared about how we'll cope financially, that our lives will be ruined and we'll never be able to have fun again. I do think we might be turning the corner, but he still has really rough patches. For me, it's felt really important not to add to the pressure he's been feeling, but to tell him I do still love him but I think he needed to get help. It took a visit to his parents, who got through to him in a way I couldn't. I know it's really hard, but do you think your dh may have gone into panic mode, and needs some time to adjust?

Of course, all our relationships are different, but I did just want to suggest an alternative view. The decision is yours, but please try to give both of you a little bit of breathing space, and do think about talking to your GP yourself, as you'll need lots of support to get through this.

feeona123 · 06/11/2015 21:13

I do believe things happen for a reason. This baby is a gift and from what I've read you would regret and resent him for a long time.

Take some time out alone to make your choice and what is the best thing for YOU to do

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