Hi,
I'm new to this site. I just wanted to speak to people who are in the same situation as myself.
I already have a child of 4 and have been trying for over 1.5 yrs for a second child.
On the 21st sept I started bleeding I was at time 11 weeks pregnant. I called the EPU unit and they advised I needed to see my GP. I was given an emergency appointment that day and was told they cannot get a scan sorted until 11am Wed morning. Waiting for that appointment seemed like a life time. However with having a 4 yr old already, she kept me busy!!
Wednesday came along with very little sleep and so many tears.
They scanned me and then asked to do an Internal and at that point my worst fears were realised!!
'I'm sorry your baby has no heart beat'
I wanted to scream at her, asked her to double check.
My mind was going crazy, why was this happening to me. My husband was just in total shock!!
We were left on our own for a few minutes while they went to get a specialist nurse.
I cannot honestly remember a word she said, her mouth was moving but what she was saying wasnt registering.
My husband and I went home and we just sat In silence for ages. Later that evening we went through all the leaflets I was given and we started to discuss what's the next step would be, and what would be best for us.
I decided with my husbands support, we would have a smm. I called the hospital on the Thursday 24th and I had to go back for my pre op later that day and they were able to get me booked for day surgery on the fri 25th.
Thursday night was just torture, knowing that the following day I was going to have to let my baby go.
I didn't sleep at all and was due at the hospital for 7am.
I was strangely calm before I was taken down. At 10.50am they came to get me and then I turned into a mess. The walk to theatre was like I taking a walk to my death. I was terrified something bad was going to happen to me!!
The next thing I remember was coming round in the recovery ward. As soon as I got my bearings I was hysterically crying, knowing my baby had gone. All I kept asking was to call me husband which after asking so many time they allowed me to phone him.
I was taken from recovery and I was put on the private suite. I was having to have 15 mins obs as my blood pressure was really low and taking a while to come back up. Finally once my blood pressure has come back to normal, my drips were removed and I was discharged allowed to go home.
I had so many messages from friends and family throughout the day but I just wasn't in the right place to reply.
Once home with my husband, I had a long soak in the bath. That night I was a mess, the tears just kept rolling. It had hit me like a steam train as to what had just happened that day. I ended up crying myself to sleep in hubby's arms.
The next few days I found it so hard to function, but I had to kept going for my little girl. I would be fine one minute and then in floods of tears the next. As the following week went on I had a good few days, but then when I thought I was picking myself up. It came back and slapped me in the face again.
I felt bad for hubby as he was struggling seeing me broken and all he could do was was hold me and tell me it will be ok. I think if he could he would not have thought twice about taking the pain away!!
I honestly never though I would feel like this after a miscarriage. I felt lost, completely heartbroken, angry, bitter, envious of other people.
I been having more good days this week than bad, but because I'm not balling my eyes out I don't want people to think, oh she's ok now. Inside I'm still hurting like mad and I don't know how to stop it.
I'm struggling to sleep as every time I close my eyes, every thing runs through my head. I think was it something I did?. What could I have done different?. Will I get a chance to have another baby?. Why why why!! I just have no answers, i know the stats are 1 in 4. Most of the time it just happens but deep down I still blame myself!! Today is 3 weeks since our little bean was given wings, and today is not a good day. It's 9.24 and I've already burst into tears twice.
I will never forgot my angel baby and i hope in time the pain will ease!!