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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Visitors and newborn

26 replies

Cnmorgan13 · 15/10/2015 13:44

I know this one has been asked to death, but I'll through my hat in the ring with this one.
I'm expecting my first dc in March. First gc on both sides. I get on really well with my in laws, we don't see them much (I have to pester dh that we haven't seen them in a while). She is extremely excited for baby, buying loads of stuff already which hasn't freaked me out (I'm very impressed with myself lol) I guess my question is, I know that the status quo is going to change and we won't be left alone from family as much but I'm wondering for first time mums were you particularly possessive of your newborn. No extended family from either side comes to visit us before hand and I'm worried that I'm in for a rude awakening with crazy baby mad people coming out the woodwork. I personally don't get it, I wouldn't go out my way to visit a family with a new baby until asked.

Thanks for reading my rambling anyway lol

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CityMole · 15/10/2015 14:07

I don't have any kids yet (am 11 wks pg with 1st) but I have watched this happen with my sister's child and the newborns of friends with great interest. I think it's natural to feel possessive, but it's not because you don't want to share the baby.

It's often a biological impulse that springs into force to protect your new baby, and (if the article I am linking you to is correct) then with good reason- the article says that far too many newborns are overstimulated in the early weeks and then can't go on to settle because of anxiety.
I'm sure there will be studies out there which go against this, but I remember my sister leaving the hospital with my niece, a little irate at an old matronly midwife who had sternly scolded her for the number of visitors she had had to the ward, and solemnly warned 'do not pass her around to too many people until she is more settled, the baby will get never settle. And my sister laughed a bit at this 'impossible' piece of advice (we have a large family and her partner's side of the family is even bigger, with seven new uncles and aunties all wanting to monopolise the new baby in the first few weeks!) Who knows if my niece would have been any different had my sis decided to follow the midwife's advice but certainly, the little one was indeed very 'colicky' in her first year, and has been quite an anxious baby until the last year, where she has grown in confidence and can finally self soothe.

Who knows, but this might be a good read for you, and you can also use it as evidence to family members who you feel are being a bit pushy in their demands to see the baby too much -

www.babydoc.com.au/faq/colic-bore-your-baby-to-sleep/

howtorebuild · 15/10/2015 14:10

I was young and easy going. I would not be so keen to have people behave as they did years ago. I bonded well with my dc, so no harm done.

howtorebuild · 15/10/2015 14:12

The most ridiculous pfb mum I met, insisted on my dc washing their hands whilst her dog licked the baby.

ppandj · 15/10/2015 14:12

Hi congratulations on your pregnancy!

I was very much like this. Even my own mum (who I adore and is totally supportive) told me she thought I was over-possessive when DS was born. I was very anxious throughout my pregnancy and I think I had some degree of post-natal illness to be honest which I think manifested itself in being anxious and quite possessive. It was only when DS was about 4mo that I actually started to feel better and more able to relax.
I don't know if this helps at all, I just wanted to say I was like that and it did get better with time.

With my pils they were really pushy and my instinct was to withdraw a bit. But I found that the more I involved them the less pushy they were. So, for example, we really needed to build some confidence and make our own decisions which they kept questioning and hinting at alternatives that they did. But we just stood firm on our decisions and smiled and nodded politely.

BeautifulLiar · 15/10/2015 14:15

Not at all. I was desperate for someone else to hold my babies!

The only thing I didn't like was that I'm very self-conscious and never let anyone see me not looking my best so I found it very hard having visitors while I was bleeding, saggy, wearing pyjamas, leaking milk and didn't have perfect hair! I'm kinda worried about that this time too (also due in March -fourth baby).

Onthepigsback · 15/10/2015 14:17

It's lovely to see your new baby meeting the family. Sometimes I think people make issues for themselves and things to get uptight about when really there is nothing to fear. You get the odd over anxious mum, and anxiety is common with all the post birth hormones, but anxiety doesn't always lead to you being terrified of others being near your baby. I was very happy to hand my newborns over so that I could hold my cup if tea and relax a few mins. I did find it impossible to eat with anxiety when the baby was crying in the first few weeks.

Onthepigsback · 15/10/2015 14:19

Forgot to say, the above only applies when dealing with relatively normal relatives and friends. I you have an existing bad relationship with your in laws, well that will lead to you behaving differently about them and the baby.

Brummiegirl15 · 15/10/2015 15:00

I'm 24 weeks pregnant with my first and I'm worried about this too.

Not from a possessive point of view, but because I'm worried about struggling, being tired, feeling shit and emotional and completely overwhelmed by visitors.

I'm also really worried about breast feeding. Whacking my boobs out in front of in laws makes me feel really really uncomfortable

Onthepigsback · 15/10/2015 15:06

You don't have to. When the in laws are there, you take the baby out to your room for its feeds until a point you feel happy to feed in front of others. I'm an experienced bfer but for the first few weeks when baby is small and weak I tend to only feed in private so I can deal with the latching on and off and the pain without others watching.

Onthepigsback · 15/10/2015 15:07

Honestly girls, when the time comes these things are unlikely to be anyway near as big an issue as you are fretting about now. Understand the feeling but it's wasted energy.

middlings · 15/10/2015 15:09

Have them over and if it all gets a bit much, Leave. The. Room.

I took DD1 upstairs to feed her when she was 10 days old and certain family members had outstayed their welcome by about 3 hours. DH arrived up and pointedly said "They're leaving" about another hour and a half later. I told him to give them my love and kept my bottom firmly where it was. I was tired, DD was fractious I couldn't have given a stuff what anyone else wasn't. Some might call me selfish - I really don't care.

Tell you what though, when the same people arrived to meet DD2 they spent the entire time they were there telling me they weren't going to stay long! They did....but at least they acknowledged they'd got the message :)

Congrats on your pregnancy and honestly, this is the last thing to bother stressing out about.

Louisee58 · 15/10/2015 15:25

I was quite the opposite with DS1 to be honest, everyone come round in one go and it was over and done with (however, after reading CityMoles post I may re-think that this time as DS1 who is now nearly 5 still cant settle by himself). It is very annoying when people tell you to go and rest though when you just aren't ready to leave the room that your new born baby is in!

I let a lot of things stress me out the first time round that just turned out not to be a big deal at all once the baby arrived, so trying not to let the same thing happen this time!

Junosmum · 15/10/2015 16:02

I'm similarly concerned, I get on well with all parts of my family, but they all live well over an hour away. I don't mind the idea of them visiting it's the fact it'll have to be whole days, when I'm not feeling my best.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 15/10/2015 16:07

An hour is nothing, why do they have to come for whole days?

I don't get the possessive thing, but then I never thought my babies were owned by me. They are part of a family, who want the chance to get to know them and love them. If you relax a bit, you can enjoy an immense feeling of pride as you watch people fall in love with this tiny thing you just made, out of nowhere.

middlings · 15/10/2015 16:33

Constance (fabulous name by the way), it's not that I was possessive it's that I'd had relatively tricky delivery (no details necessary OP, I'm fine, DD's fine, everyone's fine ) and as a result was very discombobulated in the first few weeks. Additionally DD1 was born after four goes at IVF which added to the whole discombobedness in my case.

What I needed was peace and quiet, not lots of people. Weirdly, while I was finding it hard to bond with my DD, I felt even worse when I was away from her. I just needed to see her. It's all tied up in the birth experience and what went before it - none of it's right or wrong, it's just how it was.

What surprised me was, despite me very clearly articulating this at the time (or maybe I wasn't quite as articulate as I thought I was) DH, and his family, were absolutely awful at picking up on my needs and cues and much as I wanted them to bond, I really (in hindsight) wasn't very well. I'm still a bit cross about that. Although DH massively made up for it when DD2 came along - although of course, unsurprisingly, I didn't need him to be as sensitive then! I'd also learned by then to be more forthright in my needs - DH and his family never SAY anything which generally leads to offence and upset all round. As he was afraid of saying anything, and causing offence (vicious cycle, much?) nothing was said and everyone ended up offended.

We've learned to navigate the choppy waters since - and the same in regards to my family. Didn't hurt that I had a full on throw down row with my DM in my DH's presence where I defended his position to the hilt and told her to get knotted. It remphasised the point that our nuclear family was my first priority....something it's taken him a while to get his head around.

It can be a hormonal time....sigh.....although it passes so fast, and it doesn't REALLY matter long term.

Givinguph0pe · 15/10/2015 17:04

I'm 24 weeks with dc2. In laws were horrific when I had dc1. I left hospital after a c-section on the Friday evening.
14 of them showed up on the Saturday and stopped for 8 hours. They passed my baby round between themselves. Sadly I couldn't feed so was expressing and MIL insisted on feeding dc1 after I'd expressed the milk. Fucked me right off. I blame dh. He should have told them all to piss off. I sat on the floor as not enough chairs and made endless cups of tea. Four days post c-section. I wasn't even dressed. They didn't care. As long as they got to mark their territory (dc1) it didn't matter about me. Thus began my real hatred of my in laws. They came back the following weekend and did the same thing.

Interestingly dc1 was a miserable colicky baby who couldn't self soothe. I blame them for this now!

southlondonbaby · 15/10/2015 17:19

Hi op, our LO was born six weeks ago (time flies!!??)

This was really an issue on my mind before she arrived as partner's parent live overseas and are separated so each was going to stay with us for 2 weeks. (Partner is birth mum, I'm the other mum).

In the end, it was better than I expected, but I wouldn't have them stay at ours if I were to do it again (well, in an ideal world as it would cost them so much in hotel!)

The biggest issue was MIL's insistence that "we must want time away from baby" errr, no we just met her thanks. And that we should put her down more "or she'll never get used to it" (not that she ever put our baby down when holding her!)

I felt very protective and didn't want baba passed round like a doll. Also hated it when ppl wore strong perfume holding her (didn't mention it though, too pfb even for me!)

But as we've got more sure of ourselves and of her and she is a bi bigger and can see and express herself a tiny bit, we're much more comfortable with the baby-crazy visitors.

princesspineapple · 15/10/2015 18:07

I'm also pregnant with my first and worrying about this... My in laws are lovely but too lovely IYSWIM... They're down the road and already want to see us every single weekend. MIL doesn't work and FIL works from home, so when I'm on mat leave I can only see this getting worse. I'm quite keen on having time alone with baby, and not having him passed around like a doll by needy family members.
Does anyone have any wise words for getting them to ease off without sounding mean? OH is supportive but as she means well it can be difficult to say no.

Onthepigsback · 15/10/2015 18:12

Just say you aren't feeling well. If you are trying to bf it's a great excuse for escaping to your bed with baby. And say when they arrive please help yourselves to tea etc. Just to warn you baby's next feed and nap is at x time so hope you don't mind us disappearing.

Fluffy24 · 15/10/2015 18:35

I think you just need to be selfish because all the feelings of not wanting to pass baby around, keep them close, etc are for your baby's benefit.

I don't know any other animal (which is, after all, what we are) which would be happy for a newborn to be passed around, or would want visitors - its entirely natural to want to shut yourself away with your baby for a few weeks and concentrate on getting to know them.

I hated having visitors because they mostly all over-stayed and wanted to hold DS and I just wanted to hold him myself. I was fairly strict about allowing only close family for the first few weeks, and they only got to visit once during this period, but even so we had visitors every day and it left me really drained.

The hospital was the worst though because people seemed to think that visiting time was 'open' and they would just turn up and were all concern when, after 2 hours with me stuck in bed post-cs, I couldn't help but cry in exhausted misery.

I know that by today's standards I probably sound really mean but it was all driven by my instinctive response to my newborn.

If I had the time again I would make it clear to everyone that there would be no visitors during the first week, limited to 15 minutes second week, and no baby being passed around in the first month.

The area I did hold my ground was about nap and feed times - I refused to disturb DS when he was asleep (he napped in his cot upstairs mainly) or feed him in 'public' - not because of embarrassment but because it was a special quiet time for the two of us to share in peace, when I could give him my undivided attention.

Original poster

Cnmorgan13 · 15/10/2015 19:08

Thanks everyone for to amazing advice as usual. Me and hubby were just discussing this and it's not the people we know that will be the problem it's the ones that we don't know. Both our parents family's aren't that big but their circle of friends is massive. I doubt any these people would even want to see our baby right?! RIGHT!!! But I honestly don't know how I'll be. I always thought I'd be the possessive defensive mum but I've been really chilled so far and things that I thought would bother me haven't (eg GP buying stuff for baby before we even thought of to etc) I'm just hoping that in my sleep deprived state I don't snap at anyone

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Original poster

Cnmorgan13 · 15/10/2015 19:27

That article was amazing btw. Just makes so much sense

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Cnmorgan13 · 15/10/2015 19:32

Fluffy you are bang on. It must take a special type of crazy to want to wake a sleeping baby because you want to, what hold them? Maybe it's me that's wired wrong lol

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Junosmum · 15/10/2015 19:34

That's why I said ' well over an hour's. My mum is closest at 1hr 45 and would come for an afternoon and OHs parents are 3 hours away, can hardly expect them to do 6 hours of driving for a one hour visit!

Fluffy24 · 15/10/2015 19:38

junosmum you and baby don't need to participate for the whole time though - we had some visitors who'd traveled for several hours and after an hour I took DS upstairs so we could both nap and left DH to it!

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