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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Smug friends?

36 replies

BIBIBOO · 13/05/2004 13:48

Anyone else have smug parent friends who NEVER say anything negative to or about baby? I have one friend who I love dearly, but either she has 2 PERFECT babies who sleep all night, never cry or demand anything and make all their developmental milestones without any problems, or she is simply not telling me the whole truth?

I would love to believe for her sake (and my future sanity) that it is possible to have children/babies like that, but I just shedding tears of frustration some days but my friend seems to breeze through, never a complaint passing her lips. I'd love her to admit to me just once that she couldn't get baby to sleep, or toddler threw her food all over the kitchen, just to prove she's not a superhuman mummy after all. I'm afraid that I won't be able to tell her things like this when my baby arrives in case she thinks of me as (or I start thinking I am) a total failure as a mother.

Sorry about the rant, can't rant to her though!

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Tommy · 13/05/2004 13:50

She is simply not telling you the whole truth!
When I had DS1 the HV said I was a very good Mum - not a perfect one. She said if she ever met a perfect Mum she would poke her eyes out! It made me laugh a lot but it is true - there's no such thing as a perfect Mum. You'll be a great Mum - good luck!

motherinferior · 13/05/2004 13:51

She is clearly utterly delusional, and/or her baby is a mutant wodged together in a laboratory somewhere. NOBODY has a baby like that. And I wouldn't like them. Or their babies.

I know just what you mean. Ignore her and talk to some real mums instead - even virtual real ones like us.

phatcat · 13/05/2004 13:52

maybe she doesn't want to put you off? bet she'll spill once you've had your baby though!

Original poster

BIBIBOO · 13/05/2004 13:53

Yay! That made me laugh a lot! I didn't think perfection was possible in motherhood either, and my suspicions have been confirmed!

OP posts:

Tommy · 13/05/2004 13:56

Good point phatcat - we had 2 couples round for dinner. One of whom has a baby the same age as DS2 and the who are expecting their first in September. Both of us who have had babies had difficult deliveries (me with DS1) and PND and I noticed that we were being quite cagey about the details when we were talking to our pregnant friend!

oliveoil · 13/05/2004 13:59

The only perfect parents I know are the ones who don't have children.

Babies and children can be pains in the a**e, god love them, but I have found that some people have higher levels of annoyance than others. Maybe your friend doesn't mind the sleepless nights etc so doesn't mention them?

Original poster

BIBIBOO · 13/05/2004 14:18

Maybe my friend is trying to protect me, but I am already feeling as if I tell her any of my problems she'll think I'm not coping or doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'll just ask her straight out if it's all as wonderful as she says? I aked her about birth and all she did was smile, kiss her baby and say "aw, it's all worth it!"
I was thinking, well of course it's worth it, I just wanted to know the levels of pain involved!

OP posts:

Heathcliffscathy · 13/05/2004 14:22

a baby that never cries or is grumpy or has a really bad day isn't a perfect baby, in fact there is something very wrong imo...so don't be too envious, maybe her babies don't feel safe to express themselves negatively!

prufrock · 13/05/2004 14:25

Or maybe she's not saying because childless people usually just don't get the problems you have once you've got kids. I remember going into work one day after being up literally all night with an ill dd and saying I was tired. A childless colleague said "Oh I know how you feel, my dh didn't get in until 2am and he made so much noise he woke me up" I never bothered saying anything to her again.

prufrock · 13/05/2004 14:26

I'm not suggesting that you are that unsympathetic btw BIBIBOO

motherinferior · 13/05/2004 14:27

BBB, take it from us, childbirth hurts like fck. Now, obviously, lots of people will post about their dream birth but just take it from me, assume it'll hurt like fck and then if anything you'll be pleasantly surprised.

dinosaur · 13/05/2004 14:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

motherinferior · 13/05/2004 14:32

Sorry, that sounded really negative. For the record, my children are absolutely, heartstoppingly lovely and I cannot believe my luck in having them - I really can't - but they also drive me to exhausted, distracted tears quite frequently. Children are incredibly high-octane and volatile, swinging between floods of tears and enchanting laughter(I have no idea how people less temperamental than me handle it at all!).

Still hurt giving birth, though

roisin · 13/05/2004 14:35

Some people are just really positive people, and always see things from are plus point of view. My mum is like this, and there are advantages too.

This sort of person if their baby had slept appallingly badly for 35 nights, but then slept through for two nights would automatically assume that the 35 nights was a blip, and the baby was now firmly settled in a new routine ...! And they would continue in this mindset even for the next 26 nights of bad sleep - that would just be a disturbance and they would soon be back in their good habits.

JeniN · 13/05/2004 14:41

My SIL (lovely) never says any negative things...but when we go on holiday together she's just as frazzled as I am and has all the normal problems of settling d nephew to sleep etc...I think they've just decided to be positive. Personally, I like a moan now and again i think i might have been in pain the first few days after giving birth but to be honest i didn't give a damn because I had dd to look after and it was fantastic...and that's not just positive spin
either.

Original poster

BIBIBOO · 13/05/2004 14:45

So what you're all saying is, I've got a lot to learn! Hahaha, didn't realise it was all that complicated when it comes to moaning about your children!
I too have been guilty of not fully understanding what parents are going through with ill children and stuff, but another friend of mine told me he has no time for childless colleagues who say they are tired anymore, they don't know the meaning of tired.

OP posts:

Angeliz · 13/05/2004 14:51

I try to be positive most of the time,(i'll always justify a tantrum on the night by saying,'well she was good the other 95% of the time).
I can understand how it would get a bit annoying to hear all the time and i agree that once you have your baby, you'll moan together about stuff probably.
I usually stay calm,(but dd is very chilled too), but when i ring my sister on an off day and say,"OH GOD dd is getting on my wick!!!!" i can tell she's over the moon

roisin · 13/05/2004 14:53

Don't get me started ... Yesterday I had just walked through the door from picking the boys up from school, and the phone rang. The boys were hot, tired, wanted drinks and snacks, general attention ... person on the phone (no kids) kept rambling on and on as I dropped ever more subtle hints that I had to go. The kids got louder and louder, then she said "I do understand you know" ... if she did understand she'd have got off the phone! In the end I had to be really blunt ... and afterwards she had the cheek to complain to her dh and mine about my attitude and the fact that I didn't apologise for the noise my kids were making (Sorry for the rant - I needed that!)

bunnyrabbit · 13/05/2004 15:01

BBB,
My DS is a dream.. he is an angel and sleeps lots and smiles all the time. People in shops stop me to say how gorgeous and contented he is.

BUT, and boy is it a big but.. (my big Butt.. teehee)

He still pukes... (he has reflux and boy can he puke!) usually just as you get in the car
He still has nasty nappies that make DH heave.
If he has a nasty cough he generally sleeps through it but I b**y don't!!
If he's teething he won't always eat the food I lovingly prepeare in the few spare hours I'm not at work...
If I take him to the Dr he will suddenly stop coughing, sneezing, whingeing and turn into angelchild just to make me look a fool!
When he wakes in the morning he is invariably all smiles and giggles, EVEN AT 5.30AM!!!!!!

I think your friend is either a damn good actor or on drugs....

We all love our babies to bits, but it's damn good, and very therapeutic to have a good whinge!!

CountessDracula · 13/05/2004 15:05

haha you tired mums, try having a baby and glandular fever - I thought I knew the meaning of the word tired when I had dd but THAT took the biscuit (mutter mutter!)

Do agree with childless types not knowing meaning of word tired tho.

Angeliz · 13/05/2004 15:07

My childless sister rings all the time and says,"Oh i'm exhausted it must be lovely not having to work!".

Original poster

BIBIBOO · 13/05/2004 15:10

I can see ranting being a BIG favourite of mine when baby comes, I am certianly not going to be a smug mother who keeps it all in! I am going to complain at the top of my voice to no one in particular (as I will have no friends by that stage...!)

OP posts:

sponge · 13/05/2004 15:16

I'm quite a laid back person and I rarely complain about dd to others. In fact I try only bore them with anecdotes about the good/ cute things she's done. And she is pretty good most of the time, but not all the time and I do lose my rag with her. But when I do I tend to feel guilty about it so I don't really then want to discuss it. However my closest friends are childless which does limit the amount of children chat you can impose. Perhaps your mate is like me and wants portray her kids as positively as possible, and won't discuss it with you properly until you have yours and will understand.
Incidentally childbirth hurst a lot more then f**k which I generally find quite pleasurable

bunnyrabbit · 13/05/2004 15:29

Sponge... LOL

Oooh you're soo literal..

Jimjams · 13/05/2004 15:55

I'm fairly laid back about mess, and even sleep deprivation. My first child was a dream- such a passive boy, didn't demand anything, was happy to watch the world go by smiling at everyone (he was famous in the doctor's surgery as the smiley happy baby). And....... he's now pretty severely autistic, 5 tomorrow, non-verbal and not exactly what I would call laid back (rain on his shoes sends him to heights of passion, and he headbutted his window last night because I took a mirror away from him).

My point being, that placid easy going babies grow into toddlers then children, who aren't necessarily placid or easy going. And whilst I'm still pretty laid back about mess, I have been known to seriously lose my rag over various autitic type behaviour that has driven me to breaking point (then feel like extra shit mummy as really he can;t help it).

Ds2 has always been a nightmare, never keen on sleeping, naughty all day long- but I don't complain about him becuase to be honest I like to see it.

Depends on my friends though- some friends I moan to - some I don't.

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