OH is driving me nuts - do I just need to complain more?

[Junosmum]

Just a rant really (sorry). My OH is a lovely, sweet man. BUT, he just seems to think that I'm fine. I've told him my body doesn't feel my own, I'm tired, I've got heartburn, everything is just harder. But he doesn't seem to get it.

Baby is due in January, his family are coming for Christmas, fine, I get on well with them. I spoke with his parents and they've agreed (suggested and volunteered) to staying in a hotel to take the pressure of me - it's less than 1 mile from our house, but OH won't hear of it. He's now invited 8 of our friends for a full on Christmas dinner 2 weeks before Christmas, when I suggested someone else host, we'll just take stuff, he wouldn't hear of it (we usually host but others would be happy to). He's getting annoyed because I'm not doing as much around the house and asking him to do a bit more. Such as feed the cats, give the cat his medication, wash up - not all the time, just sometimes.

I'm very much of the 'I'm pregnant, not ill' variety (unless of course pregnancy is making you ill or you are ill!), but I'm certainly not well -I have chronic heartburn, my feet are tired, I'm having terrible nights sleep, I'm exhausted, my bump is stretched and sore, standing up a lot makes it worse, my back hurts and I'm so so tired. I don't like to complain, so have been making the best of it but everyone is saying 'your pregnany is much better than so and so's' and with the exception of one 'so and so' it isn't (she has hyperemesis all through and GD) I just don't complain! So should I start?

I don't think hormones are helping either. The pregnancy rage has started!

Great that he's invited friends round before Christmas. Tell him you're really looking forward to it and ask what he's going to cook. Arrange to go out the day before (Christmas shopping?). Make it clear he's completely in charge and follow through this with - don't do anything.

As Vegas says, absolutely.

Very nice of him to volunteer to host Christmas himself while you put your feet up. I agree ask him what he's planning.

Asking 8 friends over for dinner and insisting the family stays over without discussing this with you is not on, whether you're pregnant or not.

Hi juno you maybe do need to verbalise more. He probably just sees you as the same as always, just with bump. I made a rule to tell my DH about every throw up, every bout of fatigue, because we're in this TOGETHER and how else is he going to know, he's not experiencing it. I also ask him to do more and he does it.

It's not complaining, it's communicating. He will want to help, but just subtley ask him to do this, to do that as you go along, without making a big deal of it and the throw in lots of appreciation with every action - that helps loads!

As for Christmas . . . I would start with the small stuff first

I have the opposite problem - my DH gets annoyed at me if I even stand up and bend over. He seems to think I'm made of glass (and tbh, some days I feel it!)

You need to discuss with him how you're feeling and how your body is changing, its not complaining, he sounds genuinely unaware of what its like being pregnant. Would it help if he heard it from a midwife? If you took him along with you to an appt and chatted to the midwife about things you're struggling with hopefully she'll tell you to go easy on yourself etc and he'll realise. As your pregnancy progresses it'll only get harder for you to keep up with housework etc so he needs to start taking a bigger share now.

Agree with what others have said above! Is he usually this thick? Maybe get him a book about pregnancy - there are many around these days tailored for the dads, to clue him up a bit more. The NCT courses are usually quite good for that, but you need him to listen now.

Also, you might want to try and explain a couple of 'what-if-scenarios' to him. Tell him that technically, you are at term from 37 weeks onwards (and ensure you add the date when that is for you), which means baby could make an appearance at any point after that - or even earlier. Has he considered that there is a realistic chance you might be giving birth over Christmas? Only a small proportion of women give birth on their due date. He needs to realise that any plan you make for Christmas could well go out of the window... So better not take on any responsibility for meals or accommodation.

As a last resort, could you get your MIL on board, or anyone else from your DH's family? Maybe they could drill some sense into him.

He's getting annoyed because I'm not doing as much around the house and asking him to do a bit more.

I know you say he's sweet and lovely, but this doesn't sound sweet and lovely to me. It sounds twatish! (And yes, I know this isn't relationships or AIBU!) I think you need to have a stern word and/ or just lose your shit to him re. the fact that he does need to do more than you at the moment because you are growing a fucking human being. What's his excuse? Once you've sorted that out, then tackle Christmas. Re. the dinner for friends, I think you need to stand up to him (what exactly do you mean when you say 'he wouldn't hear of it'?!? Surely it's not up to him - it's up to both of you?).

To be fair to him OH has fitted a kitchen and we're generally doing a bit of a refurb at the moment, I'm normally very diy capable but at the moment just can't, so he's doing all that and extra bits of housework. I'm helping out where I can, but physically I'm unable to do a lot of the stuff (lifting, chemicals and squeezing into tight spaces!).

I think I do need to talk to him more, I just know he hates complainers, we both do, and he can struggle with empathy if he hasn't experienced something he has difficulty relating.

As for Christmas meals he has already said he'll shop and cook, and he will. The fact he'll forget something and realize half way through won't bother him. He also says he'll do the housework before and after, but he won't. He honestly has every intention of doing it, he just won't. He'll say 'I'll wash them up later/ tomorrow' but later will never come- I've left things days and he just keeps putting it off and I end up doing it, which he then complains about!

maybe you could discuss with your midwife, she might advise that you avoid that kind of stress so close to birth :-)