Telling a child about your pregnancy when there might be a problem

[bunny2]

Apologies for the clumsy title. I seem to be hijacking threads all over the place so thought I'd start my own for this question.

Yesterday my nuchal fold scan showed an increased risk of a chromosonal abnormality (1 in 44). I am 12 wk now and want to tell ds we are having a baby. He often says he wants a baby brother or sister. It would be especially lovely to tell him today on his 4th birthday. My problem is, should I tell him when statistically there is a fair chance this pregnancy is going to end in late miscarriage or stillbirth? Or do I keep it quiet and if so, for how long?

Hopejoy: I have been reading this thread with great interest... I can relate in everyway to your concerns. With my last pregnancy, I told my children (then 6,4 and1 1/2) that we were expecting a baby when I was only 8 weeks because I was so unwell that our eldest in particular was convinced that I was dying of something serious. They were immensely relieved to hear that it was a baby in my tummy making me feel tired and sick. I felt much better about letting them know until I did have a missed-miscarriage and all of our friends made me second guess my parenting style for having included my children. (Still not sure what other option I had as I ended up spending 3 nights in hospital as a result of complications...)
I am now 15weeks +5 and I worry everyday that something may go wrong. I waited until I was 14 weeks to tell my children (thinking that the risk of miscarriage is lower after 13 weeks). I really wanted to have a dating scan before I told them but I have yet to have my booking in appointment. (Long story there) I don't really know if I was being very rational when I made this decision as I am not the kind of parent that lies to her children or tries to shelter them from reality. I blame pregnancy hormones and the influence of 'friends'. When I did tell them the 'good news', DS (7) wanted to know how long I had been pregnant and why I didn't tell him earlier. DD (5) said in a rather matter-of-fact way: "if this baby survives then we will have 4 kids in our family." I was not very pleased with myself for having kept them in the dark as it seems to have affected the trusting relationship we had established and they would certainly have known the minute something went wrong. Being a parent is so tricky and nobody knows your child (and the relationship you share) like you do. It is impossible to offer advice and I really wish that others had not made me question my every decision.
The fact that you are even thinking about these things indicate that you are an amazing and caring mother so I am confident that you will make the best choice for your family. Thank goodness mobody said that parenting was easy!

HI Canadianmom - it is difficult isn't it. I do think whatever we tell our children is our decision alone. After all most people when they get pregnant eventually bring that baby home. I wish I could be as confident of that but to be totally sure you'd have to hide the pregnancy til after the birth! Or at least, with my history, I would.

I just hope I get as far as being able to tell dd1. More bleeding an hour ago. Not much but I am scared and am going in for a scan in a few hours. Am convinced it is bad news and feel almost resigned to it.

hopejoy, how are you getting on with finding a bereavement midwife, it sounds like you could really do with the support at the moment. I had spotting to 20 weeks with dd and I can imagine exactly how you are feeling right now. I really hope it soon clears, you don't need the extra aggravation. Your words about your dd1 brought tears to my eyes. Nearly two years on, I have to say that ds still talks sadly about Tom from time to time, and says how much he misses him. "Heartbreaking" is exactly the term. Hugs to you and Bunny2.

Posts crossed. Please let us know how the scan goes, hopejoy, will be thinking of you. XXX

Hi Marina - nice to hear from you again. dd1 often says "I'm sad about not having the baby" and it is an awful feeling. I never wanted her to have to feel like this at such a young age (a feeling I'm sure you share).

Off for the scan soon - we have had to get dd1 a place in her nursery and she's not too pleased about it!

hopejoy, best of luck with the scan. I am sure it will a nerve-wracking few minutes but all will be fine I'm sure. I have had scans (8 so far) ater episodes of bleeding but it is coming from a small collection of blood way beneath the baby and not doinbg any harm at all. I think most spotting and light bleeding is harmless, just horrifically worrying for us. I'll check in later to see your (good) news.

Hi Marina, it makes me want to cry thinking about your ds and hopejoy's dd grieving for a lost sibling. It is utterly heartbreaking. Love to youBXX

Hiya - well, no scan. I have to wait until wednesday to get one. The doctor said not to worry (laughs hysterically)and she was sure it would be fine. No more bleeding though and I feel sick right now so maybe that is a good sign. However, I am sometimes convinced that the pregnancy has ended. I weighed a pound less this morning (and havent put on any weight at all yet anyway) and that made me think it was all over. I wish there was a pill I could take to stop myself worrying!

Hi hopejoy, I wish you could get a scan sooner . I have been bleeding again, on Friday night I bled a bit then some more on Saturday. I woke dh up at 6.30 am in floods of tears but Bournmeouth maternity told me to come in and they listened for the hb which gave me so much reassurance. It doesnt seem fair that we have to put up with all this additional stress after the outcomes of previous pregnancies. How I envy women who sail through the 9 months with nothing to fret about. I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Hi bunny2

Got my scan on wednesday and we saw the baby and the heartbeat - as you say very reassuring. Having a scan was stressful and it took ages before she found the baby - I think we all thought there was nothing there - horrible...

No bleeding round the baby and all seems well. I just feel more sick than ever and really tired.

Meant to post sooner but we went directly from the hospital for a little holiday.

hi hopejoy what wonderful news. I am so pleased for you. I know it is going to e tough but tyr and enjoy the pregnancy as much as you can. How many weeks are younow? I know how nerve-wracking it all is. Yesterday I saw my gp about the bleeding and it took him 15 monutes to loacte a hb with his ancient doppler. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life but he found it in the end. I have my big scan this Tuesday, wish me luck!

sorry for all those spelling mistakes!

I am so gald the scan was OK Hopejoy. Good luck for your Bunny2 - I shall be thinking of you. Reading this thread as made me have a little cry - just hoping I never have to go what you are going through and that if I do that I am as strong as you are.

HI Bunny2 - I'm only 10 weeks at the moment but it feels like 10 years!! Is it your 20 week scan on Tuesday? I will be thinking of you and hoping all goes well! Please post here tomorrow to let us know how it went.

Hi Cazzybabs - thanks for what you say - though I certainly don't feel strong!! Is this your first pregnancy or are you an old hand!?