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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Jealous friend? It's getting to me now.

23 replies

Heavenscent86 · 05/10/2015 17:19

Hi ladies. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. I had to tell my closest friend when I was about 6 weeks due to hyperemesis and being unable to see her at all. She said it was really good news but since then has been very distant. If I mention the baby (which I try not to do that often) she changes the subject or ignores it completely. I have started to feel better in the last couple of weeks but she's making excuses not to meet. And when I sent her a photo of the scan picture she completely ignored that too. It's starting to upset me now that she seemingly has no interest in this big event in my life. At the same time I want to be sympathetic to her but as she's not told me her reservations or anything I can't help. I feel very confused and upset by it now.

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MaryEllen1 · 05/10/2015 17:23

Could you ask her? It may be that she is TTC and is not dealing with it well? That being said she should still be pleased for you, your her best friend and she is not being fair to you.

Original poster

Heavenscent86 · 05/10/2015 17:48

I'd like to talk to her but as she's not seeing me at the moment it's difficult. I'm hoping to see her next week for something that was prearranged before the baby. But even that feels a little up in the air as when we booked somewhere to stay (this bit was after telling her about baby) she said you go ahead and sort yourself out its too early for me to book. Fair enough I just gave her the hotel details but just two days later she had arranged to stay somewhere else. I'm hoping if she does meet me that I'll be able to talk to her and gauge what the problem is if anything.

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Junosmum · 05/10/2015 17:49

Sounds like she's struggling to conceive to me. If you really are friends I'd try to chat to her about it and give her space to deal with her emotions. Yes its a big life event for you but she clearly has something going on.

Nousername2015 · 05/10/2015 18:07

She may have been trying to conceive for a long time, or she may have had an early miscarriage possibly. Are you close enough to her to potentially ask her? How does she respond to talking about subjects that aren't about the baby?

u32ng · 05/10/2015 18:09

Yes I think it might be worth speaking to your friend as she could be ttc and it's not going well. Or she may have had a miscarriage that she kept under her hat.

I had a miscarriage after months of ttc. Then about the time I would've been 12 wks my friend announced her own pregnancy & It brought it all back & I was devastated. Until I was able to conceive again a few months later it was hard for me to talk to my friend about her own pregnancy other than general pleasantries.

Luckily our situation was slightly different in that she knew about the miscarriage (and was scared of telling me her news) and was therefore tolerant of my distance initially.

PotteringAlong · 05/10/2015 18:11

She probably isn't that interested about the baby - other people's pregnancies are not that interesting.

You say you try not to talk about it that often but, in all honesty, how often do you talk about it? Is she just a bit sick of you going on about it? If she has problems ttc then that's not going to help.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 18:14

Does she normally like being the centre of attention?

patienceisvirtuous · 05/10/2015 18:15

She might not be 'jealous'. She might personally be having a very tough time wrt to ttc.

Others' scan photos are a kick in the gut if things aren't going well for you.

Yes, it's big news for you. Not for your friend though.

Talk to her if appropriate or give her some space.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

CarShare · 05/10/2015 18:23

A good friend of mine was very distant during my first 12 weeks of pregnancy. I was a bit put out as I felt awful and could have done with the support. She generally likes to be the first to hit milestones and later said she found the news a bit unsettling as it made her think about whether she and her husband should start TTC. People can be a bit strange with baby news. I'm sure she'll come round once she's dealt with her feelings. As others have said, if she's struggling to conceive or had a recent miscarriage your news may be very difficult for her. Has she reacted badly to other pregnancy related news from other friends and family?

sepa · 05/10/2015 18:29

Maybe try writing her a letter? That way she can read, digest it in person and respond how she feels comfortable.
I know someone that is TTC (and didn't know I was) and it was hard telling her about it but I did it over the phone rather than in person so she didn't have to hide the sadness of 'another one is falling pregnant and I'm not'

Original poster

Heavenscent86 · 05/10/2015 18:32

Imperial she does have a tendency to like being the centre of attention yes.
I don't know if she has ever had a miscarriage in the past but I do know she's not TTC at the moment as she isn't in a relationship and has told me she doesn't want children for another few years. Of course she may just be saying that to convince herself which I can understand. I had two miscarriages myself and spent a lot of time trying to convince myself it wasn't something I really wanted to try to make myself feel better.
I did talk about the baby a fair amount at first but I soon realised she didn't want to and made a conscious effort not to talk about it often. So I can say quite honestly that the baby doesn't crop up in conversation that often.
I also appreciate that if she wants children herself it's hard for her. I understand that. When I had my first miscarriage I was told the baby had died the same day as my brother was born. I literally went from the scan room to the delivery suite to meet my newborn brother. I was devastated but it didn't stop me attempting to be happy for my mum and stepdad. If my pregnancy is affecting her in some way I'd love to try and support her through it but I can't help feeling hurt that she doesn't seem to be happy for me at all.
Like I said I'm hoping to talk to her next week if I do get to see her. I'd rather do it face to face rather than by text or over the phone.

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Original poster

Heavenscent86 · 05/10/2015 19:29

I've gone through my texts to her and until today I hadn't actually mentioned the baby for a week and we have been in touch most days. So it can't be that I'm talking about it too much. She just seems to shut down when it crops up.

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ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 19:36

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This is a lovely time for you and you need to choose the people who'll share this time with you. She clearly isn't one of those people.

chopsface · 05/10/2015 20:36

Congratulations on your pregnancy and great that you're starting to get over the sickness now :-)

I've not seen a 'friend' since my birthday meal in April when I'd found out I was pregnant 2 days previously! Although I didn't tell her that day. I know she's finding things hard to deal with as her twin has just got married and wants to start a family asap and I'm preggo and she's no where near. Her bf of 2 years is moving abroad for work and she's not in a position to go with him. We're all mid 30's so she's reminded of her clock I guess. I don't know how old you are and if this is an issue to your friend? Or maybe she thinks you'll not want to hang out with her once baby is here and distancing herself now? Who knows what goes through peoples heads. I have another close gf who was worried about this as she's 'lost' 2 other gf's through motherhood. I've reassured this friend that she'll be 'auntie' and we'll still do things together with my baby too, and when dh babysits :-) I hope you can get over this blip in your friendship. Have you been friends long?

Original poster

Heavenscent86 · 06/10/2015 07:51

Thank you for the congratulations everyone. We are both turning 30 so there is still time for her but I was wondering if it feels like there is not. I hope we will get over it. We've been friends since school and I've certainly no intention of stopping seeing her just because I'm having a baby. She does seem quite negative about the whole thing. Not long after my 12 week scan she told me I shouldn't be excited about it as I could still lose the baby anytime. Kind of upsetting as I've had two miscarriages I know about the possibility of losing my baby and it's hard to keep myself positive and focus on baby arriving safe and healthy. Last thing I need is to be told by people who know about my miscarriages that I could still lose My baby. I do hope I can find out what's bothering her. If I do find she has had a previous miscarriage or termination it will at least make sense of these comments and I can try to support her too.

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Lottapianos · 06/10/2015 08:02

As another poster said, baby news can bring up all sorts of stuff for people. I found my best friend's pregnancy news incredibly upsetting - I hadn't had a miscarriage and wasn't trying to TTC but I was highly ambivalent about the whole issue and hearing my friend's news brought my own complex feelings out. I was incredibly jealous, and very angry with her, although I think I hid it well from her.I was also anxious about how our friendship would change, which may be the case for your friend too.

Your friend sounds very jealous and possibly very sad. Do talk to her if you feel you want to, but be prepared for her to not want to discuss it with you. I feel for her - shes obviously hurting. That said, her comment about how you could still lose the baby was very insensitive and inappropriate

flanjabelle · 06/10/2015 08:02

That was massively insensitive of her. No matter what she is thinking/feeling, that's completely out of line. She does sound like she is trying to deal with something, but imo that doesn't really excuse her behaviour towards you. I have been happy for friends when pregnant despite having past fears that I wouldn't conceive due to fertility issues. I would be questioning this friendship to be honest.

Only1scoop · 06/10/2015 08:08

It could be that ....although it sounds awful, that she's just not that interested.

You have obviously been very ill though.... I was also finally diagnosed with HG albeit much later term than 6 weeks....so maybe you have feel she's not supportive.

Most people make the right noises when they see a scan picture but I feel it's your expectations here that could be letting you down. Not your friend.

I agree have a chat but I wouldn't make a huge focus on having to find out why she doesn't seem that bothered. There may be a reason....there may not.

Only1scoop · 06/10/2015 08:10

'Maybe you feel'
Not 'have feel'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2015 08:16

Crikey - I know you say you've no intention of stopping seeing her over you having a baby but it sounds to me like she doesn't want to see you so you may have no choice about it! and that crack about you may still lose it, after your 12w scan, is just mean.

I think she actually is very envious of your position - whether she's actively ttc herself or not - are you with a longterm partner as well? Is he lovely? do you seem to have all your shit together, while she's still struggling with being single etc? If so, take a step back and look at your lives objectively - if you seem to be "winning" at life while she isn't, then I'd bet it's envy.
If that's not the case, then there's something else going on - but I don't know if you'll ever find out what it truly is!

Either way, I would actually back off and leave her to come to you for a bit. I know you've got something arranged in the near future, but don't be surprised if she cancels on you. :(

Be realistic about this - she's being horribly dismissive and negative about something that is a great joy in your life, after 2 MCs - those aren't the actions of a friend who truly cares about you.

lemon101 · 06/10/2015 09:36

As many people have said, it might be that she is TTC. I have two close friends who have drifted since I became pregnant.

One was very distant when I told her the news and then has basically been treating me like a distant acquaintance (despite the fact we've been friends for years!). I lost it a little with her and decided that I was going to stop trying to text/email/reach out and I was just going to cut the strings and actually she then rang me and explained that she was ttc unsuccessfully and was now on the IVF route.

My other friend I think just dreads me speaking about baby stuff to her (not that I do unless she asks - I'm completely aware of how she feels). She is in her mid thirties, not in a relationship and freaking out that she isn't going to get what she wants the most - a partner and a family. To her I guess I'm the smug bitch who got it all. Now I know that she is aware that this is terribly unfair but also really her gut (upset) instinct.

In both cases I'm just going to suck it up and wait for it to pass. I am lucky and its true I'm really happy. I can't expect other people who are going through a hard patch to be just as thrilled for me. It works the other way as a friend too - it's the kind thing to let them work through their own shit and not put pressure on them. Real friendships last years and she might be distant at the moment, but it will hopefully change in the future.

Original poster

Heavenscent86 · 06/10/2015 09:37

I do feel that she is being quite insensitive. I really want to support her if she is sad for some reason or jealous but if I can't get to see her then the chances of doing so is slim. I think I will take thumbs advice here and let her come to me. I am hurt at her negative comments and her dismissive attitude, neither of which seem very fair. As much as I want to help her and stay friends with her too it upsets me that she would be that way. If I let her come to me it will hopefully give her time to work things out in her own head and come to terms with it. I do have a lovely man supporting me and I guess she may see it as I have everything sorted and she doesn't. I've never thought that but that kind of thing is subjective to an individual I suppose and she may well think that.

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Whoknewitcouldbeso · 06/10/2015 09:40

It sounds as though it's unearthed lots of complex feelings for her, so try not to be too angry or upset. I lost quite a few good single friends when I was pregnant with my son. I did feel really hurt but I knew it was nothing to do with me as I hardly mentioned my pregnancy at all unless asked.

Congratulations xxxx

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