Please please help me

[milkyman]

I am 40, 11 weeks, unplanned. 1 3yr ds. Devasted and dont know where to turn. Terrible birth, pnd - realise i havent addressed this as this has hit me like a hammer. Cry all the time. MW was going to see me today but too busy - exactly same treatment i received last time. Blood transfusion and told to go home after 3 days. I feel i might break. Have contacted doc and bpas no help. V concerned by my mental health. 3 mths so happy and carefree.

Do you want to keep the baby?

Do not accept too busy - be honest with them about your mental health as intervention ante-natally can reduce pnd. It sounds like you have quite a traumatic birth last time and you need to talk to someone about that, at least so that you have a plan of action if there are problems this time and reassurances that actually, this time, it will probably be ok.

Of course all of that is irrelevant if you don't want to keep the baby.

I think you need to talk to your GP ASAP.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how scary and lonely it can all seem when you are struggling away and everyone else seems to just be getting on with things.
Is there anyone in RL you feel comfortable to talk to while you are waiting for the midwife? If I were you I would pop into your GP and tell them you need an emergency appointment, don't let them fob you off. He/she can put your name down for Counselling which can give you the chance to get things off your chest in a safe non judgmental environment. Once the midwife has visited you she will probably be able to put the wheels in motion with a psychologist in your local maternity department.
I am under the psychologist at my maternity department (21 weeks and previous stillbirth at 40+5) and I am finding it so helpful.
You say for 3 months you were happy and carefree. Did anything trigger the worry you are feeling now?

I dont want to be pregnant or a baby but couldnt with other option. Was happy before with just my ds. Dh supportive but dont think a man can ever truly understand. He just wants the old me back. Gp no use.

Would you find it easier to continue with the pregnancy if you knew the baby could be adopted at the end? Do you think with help from the right people you would become fond of the idea of having another child?

i do know plenty of mums who became pregnant at your age. indeed dd2 came along after a 15y gap so was in asimilar state of shock that i suppose many "older" mums find themselves in with unplanned pregnancy.

What i did was force myself to be happy. But that was the wrong thing to do. I could never have terminated the pregnancy but ask me again now at 45 and i don't think id be able to do otherwise.

What i should have done was acknowledged the issues i faced. financial. relationship and general fucking hard work that babies are. That would have been healthier for my mental health. instead of trying to be uber mummy.

Its ok to be scared about the birth. Its not ok to be scared alone - insist on talking to a consultant so they can prevent a recurrance of any difficulties or reassure you.

I strongly believe that if a person is meant to be then they will be. So if that is the case with your baby you will have the baby and you will cope. it wont be easy but you'll have snother child who was meant to be.

if your choice is termination then you know, it wasn't meant to be.

I had an horrific first trimester with now XP and morning sickness and often (daily) contemplated a termination. I've also got a history of mental illness and a family history of suicide. But once I got to 14 weeks the fog lifted and I was happy to be pregnant.

Sorry this doesn't help much but wanted to let you know you aren't alone. The NCT has a helpline if you cannot get hold of your GP (or there's always the samaritans)

Im scared of it all. I was blissfully naive last time. Now i know whats in store for next few years i have no desire. The only plus is a sibling.

Milky, all pregnancies and dc are different. With my dc1 I thought I was an amazing parent with my delightful child. When dc2 was born I realised I was fortunate to have had an easy baby the first time around as dc2 was hard work. Dc3 was an easy child too, and my little angel dc4 I will never get to know. I am now pregnant with my 5th and as anxious as anything, but the help I am getting is making it easier. Non of us know what is in store for us, but with support we can get through. I know how hard it is not to focus on the scary parts, I am convinced my baby will be stillborn like his sister despite having three healthy births before her. The thing is chances are it will be ok, just like chances are this pregnancy and birth, for you will be ok too, and your child might be a little gem. The point is you are not alone in your feelings, and no one here will judge, so vent as much as you can just don't let it bubble up and become overwhelming

Does the hospital where you delivered do a "birth reflections" service? Have a Google and see - might help you move on from the last birth and prepare for this one. I hope you manage to see a midwife soon- could you ring the on-call midwife numbe?