20, pregnant and scared

[pinkglasgow23]

I would like a little bit of advice... I am 20 years old and have just found out I am pregnant. Technically, this is my 2nd pregnancy as I had an early miscarriage on an unplanned pregnancy back in july. My doctor told me to be careful as it is very easy to fall pregnant quickly after a miscarriage or abortion. I started taking the pill again but after having all PMS symptoms but no bleeding i took a clear blue test that says I am 3 weeks pregnant.

I am scared because of how my boyfriend will react. He is lovely but after the miscarriage he didnt understand why I was upset as it was an unplanned pregnancy. Although he is much older than me (27) and has a good paying job, his own house and car, he doesn't want a baby just now. I am a student and a baby is not ideal for me either, however after the stress/depression/ill health the miscarriage gave me, I dont think I can go through an abortion.

That's a tough one of. Only you can do what's right for you, and you will have to make that decision.
Tell him the truth and see what he says I'm coming 20 and have had recurrent miscarriages before and it's heartbreaking. I'm 31 weeks pregnant although it was planned it's still scary for anyone the first time.

The only thing I would suggest is look at your option and decide the right one for you. Have you any family or friends you could discuss it with first ? I hope you get the help and advice you need x

I'm so sorry this is causing you worry and fear pink

Can I ask a difficult question...was your misscarriage confirmed as complete? and did you have a negative hpt after the mc? I ask, as after my mc in april it took a LONG time to get a negative hpt as the hormones were still circulating...how long it take is different for everbody.

without meaning to be horribly sexist, a lot of men just dont 'get' pregnancy, especially in the early months, whether it's planned or not...it's very unreal and abstract for them so he wont have formed any sor of attachment. Mine was fairly 'gung-ho' after my mc and that was a planned pregnancy! A baby might not be ideal now, but dont assume he wouldn't want to keep it, or that he wouldn't be a great dad in the end.

so I'd say go see a nurse/family planning clinic or similar, get the pregancy confirmed and they can talk through your worries, options and hopefully suport you.

lastly, i'm sure your bf's reaction wont be as bad as you think.
good luck

Thanks 5hell, yes I found out I was pregnant the day i came home from a holiday, again I had had the pms symptoms but no bleeding only light spotting. I took 3 home pregnancy tests (clearblue) all positive, I also had a positive doctor's test. I wanted to take a few days to think about it and then I started bleeding very heavily and had terrible pains, my doc said its a poss early mc but i had to wait a week and take another test. 9 days later the home test showed negative and my doc did a test which confirmed it

You're right a lot of guys dont get it!! I think they don't have the emotional bond/attachment that women have, it caused a lot of arguments between us to the point of almost splitting up as he didnt get why I wasnt over it straight away!

I have booked an appointment for tomorow morning at the doctors so hopefully they'll be able to confirm it for me. I have 2 family members who had babies at 19 and 17 and a friend who has had a termination so I have them to talk to to help with my decision

Sorry to hear about your mc I hope your keeping well now and thanks for your advice! Xx

mummyneedinganswers, yes it's very upsetting, i didnt realise how common it was with first time pregnancies and it's reassuring to hear from people who have gone through the same as me so thank you!

Yeah I have an aunty who had a baby at 17 and a cousin who had hers at 19. Both my bfs sisters had theirs at around 18/19 too, I do have people to talk to but its difficult as I dont want my mum knowing at the moment as she was so upset the last time when i told her

Thanks again for your advice X

Sorry that your situation is causing you stress. I am 5 weeks today and found out a week ago Saturday, my bf was away at the time with work (we have a 4 year old son too) and we had previously discussed having another which he was very much against due to the money strains etc it would cause, I spent the whole of Saturday worrying and crying about telling him because for me personally abortion wasn't an answer, I finally told him on Sunday while he was still away thinking, he can get all the negative thinking done on Sunday and be happy about it when he gets home on Monday night, little did I realise he was going to be over the moon when I told him. I'm not saying yours will react the same but you never know, I spent all that time stressing when we both could have been excited together.

We are both 25 now with really good jobs and we have bought a house together, our first son has just started school and our second baby on the way, but I was only 20 when I found out I was expecting my son and had him a week after my 21st birthday. I was half way through uni at the time too, I took a year out and went back, the uni were so supportive and although I was not your typical student it didn't stop me, it made me more determined and 4 years on look what I have achieved. Having a baby during studying doesn't mean the end :)

I hope that's put a more positive spin on things for you! I really really hope you get the reaction you are hoping for.
(sorry about the essay)

Update

I have told my boyfriend last night and he reacted pretty badly. We had a massive argument and he told me he didnt want the baby and "nothing i say will make him want it". He thinks we can't afford it but i want to work out a money plan to prove we could. My hormones are a bit everywhere obviously but when I was crying he just made me feel crap for as he said "always crying". I know a baby at 20 isn't always an ideal situation but as he is older i thought hed be more mature about it but he's telling me I'm the one being immature because i dont think i want an abortion.

I visited my doctor today who gave me folic acid and the number to book a midwife appointment. She recommended I go as soon as I can if I am keeping the baby and that I should talk it through with my bf but everytime we do it erupts into an argument with him and he's just told me he "needs a few days alone away from me". He was supposed to come with me tonight to meet my cousin who had a baby young to hear what she thought but I guess thats not happening as he hasnt spoken to me since this morning.

I know at a young age I'm probably not the most qualified to look after a baby but i dont think I can live with myself if i abort the baby because he doesnt want it, my heart is telling me i need to keep it

I was pregnant at 18. The father reacted very badly, told me to have an abortion and cut all contact.

I still went ahead with the pregnancy and DD is now 14. I've never regretted it and DD is the best thing I've ever done.

It may not be ideal to be pregnant at 20, but then again, it's often not ideal at many different ages.

Follow your heart in this case - you'll be ok. Good luck.

Don't do anything you don't want to do just because someone else wants you to do it!

I was Pregnant at 17, I lost him at 23 weeks. I then had 2 early miscarriages at 18 and my daughter at 19. I'm now 21 with a 18 month old and 21 weeks pregnant. I'm still with the same man too who is now my husband and money is fine.. sometimes a little tight.

It doesn't matter whether you're 20 or 40 it doesn't affect your ability to be a good caring parent. Good luck

Pink I'm so sorry to hear he reacted like that. Maybe give him some time to calm down and come round to the idea, after all he may just be in shock. If he continues to tell you to abort when he knows this is something that will affect you for the rest of your life then is he really someone who you want around your children? (sorry to be harsh)

I've always told myself I would prefer my children to grow up in 2 happy households than one unhappy one. If he doesn't want to be a part of child's life then that child doesn't need him in theirs.

I really hope he calms down and comes round to it but don't make any decisions right now, just because you are 20 doesn't mean you aren't qualified to look after a baby, its mothers instinct no matter your age, nobody takes lessons in how to do it. Don't get me wrong its not easy, but its worth it.

pink
Listen to your heart. If you want this baby, you keep it. You will be fine. Alone or not. I was pregnant at 16. I had my DS1 at 17. He is awesome. And I don't regret my decision for a second. His dad originally was against the idea of having a child, but he came round. He was just scared (so was i! He just reacted badly)we split but were both in our sons life. Eventually we got back together and have 2 more kids. It hasn't been easy. It's been really difficult at times. But it has been worth every second.
Good luck whatever you decide.

You will be totally fine, whatever you choose. The choice is yours. I was in a similar situation two years ago - 19, about to start my second year of uni, with an older DP about to start as a mature student. He reacted well to the pregnancy, I didn't and panicked. Still, I had the support of him, my friends and my lecturers - my uni is two hours away from my family - and I finished second year with a 2:1, DD was born on the last day of my second year, and then I went straight back for third year that September, did third year with a baby, finished in may just after she turned one, and I graduate in October with a first class degree. We managed to get through with student finance and DP having a crappy job as a pizza delivery driver, babies really don't need a huge amount of money.

It's totally possible, but it's tough. It's worth every second though, DD is eighteen months old and all the doubts I had two years ago have vanished, its crazy to think I ever considered life without her. We're TTC number two, and then I'm going to do my pgce and become a teacher - unplanned pregnancy is a hurdle to cross, not a stop sign.

Best of luck and if you need any advice, tips or just vent to someone who has been where you are now, feel free to PM me

Thanks for your messages everyone. The latest is that he couldn't forgive me if i continued trying to force him to be a dad!! I've spoken to my mum and dad about it and they've been great and said theyll support me either way, and I'm going to talk to a Pregnancy Choices advisor next week. It's definitely going to be tough whatever my decision is but i appreciate the messages and its nice to hear from people who have been through the same as me xx

pink sorry to hear he's still making it tough. Maybe the best thing is to just give it a few days until you talk to him again, clear your head and decide what you want to do, and then approach him confidently, and tell him what is happening.

You're not forcing him to be a dad - I assume you didn't tie him down and force him to have sex with you? Once the deed is done and you're pregnant, his right to a choice in the matter disappears. He can make suggestions, and tell you what he wants, but you have no obligation to listen to him, and please don't let him make you feel like you do - what happens now is your choice. You're doing the right thing going to speak to an advisor.

Glad your parents are supportive, that's a really good source of support to have behind you :)

Forcing him to be a dad OK then. He sounds like a right tool, why exactly didn't he wear a condom then?

I think that you are perfectly qualified to be a mum, 20 is younger than you planned but old enough. Just make the right decision for you. And whatever you decide dump your boyfriend and find somebody better. Glad your parents are supportive.