How to deal with people (family) being awful when you tell them you're pregnant?

[magnificatAnimaMea]

I've just found out i'm 4.5 weeks pregnant.

My parents are pretty emotionally immature and illiterate, to put it mildly. My mother is excessively self-centred and genuinely doesn't understand that the world is not all about her rather nasty perceptions of it (and no, she isn't a postmodern philosopher). My father has much more insight but is babyish and aggressive and quite nasty and selfish while having a serious superiority complex over anything remotely academic. My sister is an insecure, self-centred nightmare who just cannot cope with attention being off her - particularly over anything medical. Me being pregnant will probably send her into hospital.

They're not the easiest people in the world to get on with. My sister's mental health issues around medical things in other people are a whole other thread, but she was given a really hard time by our parents over having my niece.

When my sister announced her pregnancy (stable marriage, job, house, all OK), our father got his angry face on, slammed a few doors on the way to the bookcase, slammed back into the room carrying a copy of a famous book on overpopulation from the 1970s, and asked if she was happy she was contributing to the wrld's problems. Meanwhile our mother had slammed her way out of the room to go and cry in the bathroom, refused to discuss it for weeks and eventually told my sister she should have an abortion. Both parents whinged about it to me, saying they thought my sister should abort it, they weren't pleased as it was going to disrupt their lifestyle - they actually said "it will interfere with our golf". I told them they were being ridiculous and my mother refused to speak to me for months. They didn't want to know anything about my sister's pregnancy or the birth, and went round telling people that they hadn't even held their granddaughter until she was about a year old. My mother in particular was aggressive and nasty, for example telling my sister to breastfeed out of sight "because noone wants to see that, it's disgusting."

Things have gradually improved there, so they all get on quite well - but I have never got on with my mother, at all. I can imagine it's going to be difficult, and swing between icy silence and mother (verbally) hitting out at me with the nastiest things she can think of. She did say to me around the time my niece was born "I hope, if you're ever stupid enough to have children, that they hate you for being graceless, ugly and subnormal. You'd be ridiculous and useless as a mother." (I have ASD and ADHD, but as far as I am aware those aren't barriers to being a good parent.)

Unfortunately I'm going on holiday with these people at 6-7 weeks, and then again at 17-19 weeks. Even if by some miracle I manage to keep it a secret at 6-7 weeks without puking on them, it's going to be impossible by 17 weeks. And I'll have to tell them eventually anyway.

Anyone got useful strategies for how to deal with this? In recent decades I've tended to just avoid family knowing anything about my life other than very superficial stuff. My DH is supportive and helpful and very willing to learn, but he isn't great at knowing what to do usefully about my family - he tends to just ignore anything that can't be dealt with empirically.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading it.

'Really? Does the OP sound "happy" to you?'

The OP sounds remarkably emotionally literate, tolerate and mature. If nothing else, this thread has given me utmost respect for her and a glimmer of hope for my 8yr old with ASD and suspected ADD.

'People ARE their behaviour'

How so? Most of us are acting most of the time, to navigate social conventions, cultural and societal expectations, to be able to be liked so that we can develop relationships that benefit us.

If I could honestly be me, I'd stay in my pjs all day, never wear underwear or shave anything, tell half of the 'ASD experts' working with ds to fuck off and sleep around.

Yes, Queen. We are, by and large, the sum of our behaviour, as we navigate those conventions, switch from professional to familial modes etc etc. Non-NT people may navigate those differently. But I find it very odd that the OP and a subsequent poster seem to see some kind of 'essence of personality' which exists entirely apart from acts/behaviour.

I'm not talking about something like stimming as a 'behaviour'. I'm saying that it's meaningless to say someone is, say, a generous person, if he in fact never spends time, effort or money on anyone other than himself. He may think he's generous, he may say 'I'm generous', but what are we supposed to make of the fact that he never performs a generous act? The OP describes consistently aggressive, belittling, thoughtless behaviour from her parents, yet clings to her idea that they're somehow not really like that, only their behaviour is. That distinction might make sense if her parents were mentally ill, or addicts, or driven to lash out by physical pain, but assuming this is not the case, it's not a workable distinction.

The OP sounds remarkably emotionally literate, tolerate and mature. If nothing else, this thread has given me utmost respect for her and a glimmer of hope for my 8yr old with ASD and suspected ADD.

What on earth does her having ASD or ADD have to do with whether or not she seems happy with her parents' awful behaviour? Did you just drastically misinterpret what I wrote?

I wouldn't tell them until they guess. Then you can pip their negativity to the post by saying something like 'yep, I'm afraid we are also adding to the world's overpopulation. We knew you wouldn't be happy for us so didn't think we'd bother announcing it'. Then just change the subject.

I'm sure that will have them frothing nicely and after your holidays I would go No Contact. They sound hideous.

It's claims like 'people are the sum of their behaviour' that have JC slated for not singing the National Anthem.

Is a starving child who steals some food morally reprehensible and justifiably punished? Are they innately bad?

Is a young person on his way home on the bus from a kidney transplant with the evidence hidden under his clothes, who doesn't get up for an elderly man, inherently selfish?

Is an autistic boy who has a meltdown in the supermarket because the breakfast cereal has been moved to a different aisle from last time, inherently naughty?

We are not our behaviour.

What the hell are you on about?

Are you saying her parents have a disability, and that's why they're so horrible?

OP, I don't have any useful strategies I'm afraid. I think it is very sad that you can't enjoy telling your closest family what is in usual families news worthy of celebration and excitement.

I don't think you should down play it at all though. Tell it with joy regardless of the negative feedback. It IS wonderful wonderful news, and if they don't want to see it like that then they are missing out, and there is nothing you can do.

I'm saying that you cannot judge someone ONLY by their behaviour. It is far more complicated than that, and if the OP has judged that they are good people with terrible behaviour (as would be judged by the society that they live in), I believe that as a possibility.

I agree peoples' behaviour is a representation of who they are. I wouldn't bother hanging around waiting for the "good to shine through" if someone was consistently badly behaved/inconsiderate/lacking respect. Life's too short imo.

carshare Damn right.

'Life's too short imo'

And for some not just too short, also dilute.

I think the fear that they're going to be negative will affect you more than the actual negativity, so I'd go with the previous posters and say to tell them with the joy you actually have, while being prepared to ignore / be resigned to their reaction, but not fearful of it.

On a side note, if it's available near you and you can afford it, you could get a Harmony or other type of genetic test (at 9ish weeks) to 'anticipate' some of the 20week scan information, in case it comes out at the second holiday (they might twig to it if you normally drink and party and won't be doing it) and you want to head off at the pass some of the more unpleasant comments or fear mongering. I had to manage some similar reactions (in particular, in my case, there was a gender preference which was a bit overwhelming) and found that having all the test results to hand (including gender information) neutralised the 'caring-but-actually-potentially-negative' attitude.

Guess I miss out on wasting my time on people who's behaviour would wind me up and instead enjoy the pleasure of the company of my kind, considerate, funny, generous friends and family. No-one's perfect but consistent bad behaviour from someone in my life is never going to enhance it. I have nothing against anyone who feels differently but for me behaving well (most of the time!) is an all round essential.

Huh? Of course people 'are' their behaviour. If people consistently behave in a particular way, then that is their personality. It would be pretty stupid to look at a person who has behaved like a selfish arse for 30 years and not conclude that they are a selfish arse! In your situation, OP, I would want to at least minimise contact as much as possible. If your parents have always been like this, they are not likely to change now!

They sound incredibly unpleasant. Good for you for living away and you obviously have some good coping strategies, but really do you want them in your life?

There is some good advice here, so thanks everyone for your input

I am extremely wary of armchair diagnosis; and (having been on the receiving end of the idea many times myself) much, much warier of voicing any hint of the idea that neurodevelopmental disorders like ASD and ADHD equate to displaying poor behaviour. But keep in mind that both ASD and ADHD have genetic components and do run in families. I think there's probably some value in viewing both my parents and sister with that in mind. My father probably has both ASD and ADHD, it's fairly obvious once you know what to look for; my mother and sister certainly display autistic traits at the extremely "female" end of the spectrum of behaviours seen in HFA.

It's also the case that poor behaviour in adult life, mental health difficulties, and personality disorders all associate strongly with abusive childhoods, and I think that both my parents had what would now be regarded as emotionally-illiterate, sometimes abusive parents. I know that many of my sister's behaviours probably stem from unresolved stuff in our childhoods.

There's a very big overlap between subacute pathology and (anti-)social behaviour. As I said above I don't have complete patience with my family, because I think in this day and age they do have a lot of access to services that could considerably improve their outlook and behaviour, if they could be made to see that this might be necessary. However, I also think that there is some value in maintaing a distant, appropriately-moderated relationship with them. Dropping them because they're hard work is just a shade too close to dropping contact with the elderly or disabled because they're hard work.

We are all human. Sometimes we have to look out for people we don't like much, for the greater good; you cannot always choose to be surrounded by people who behave admirably. I'd rather teach that lesson to my child than just say "your grandparents and aunt aren't nice so we don't see them". But I'd also explain clearly and repeatedly that some of the behaviours are inappropriate and arise from stress and frustration, because not everyone has the ability or humility to take a look at themselves and say "do I really want to be that person?"; and I would also point out that people who do have that ability and humility will generally do far better in leading a good life, than ones who don't, whose lives will be a constant battle.

I have no intention of putting a child in the position of being frightened of a grumpy grandparent. I know that position from the child's point of view, as well as seeing my niece interacting with her grandparents. We will not have grandparents visiting us, and we will only visit once or twice a year, and visits will be tightly controlled, and behaviours explained.

Beagadorsrock - thankfully, here, the 10-week blood test for genetic abnormalities is one of the routine scans.

Queenstarlight and zzzz, you probably understand where I'm coming from. If Queen/zzzz have kids with ASD/ADHD they will be only too familiar with the "bad" "rude" behaviours of otherwise quite normal-looking children.

THink about how hard life would be if you had those behaviours, but the world's response was to beat the crap out of you, scream and yell at you, tell you you're an idiot, you'll go to hell, you'll never get a job/ find a husband, etc. Remarkably, most of this seems to also come from the people that you notice are fairly thick. Then as you grow up you also get bullied for being a bit different. You learn that people who are different are disgusting failures, and that it's not the bright people but the ones with social skills who seem to run everything. You do your best anyway, you eventually marry someone a bit like you, whose life has been a similar battle. Then you have a child who clearly is too much like you. What do you do?

My father's reaction is often one of insight and understanding, though he can be very intellectually aggressive, often because he feels threatened by me. He is childish and petulant and silly; but in between, he's kind and gentle and thoughtful, in his own little world. His life has been very tough because he's grown up with all that happening but noone cutting him any slack or giving him any coping strategies.

My mother's reaction was to turn on me from when i was a small child. I've kept in contact with her only because of my father. These days i can see that she is very damaged by her own upbringing.

You're very thoughtful and aware. I think you'll do a great job with your child, look after yourself too.

Good luck OP, whichever way you handle it I'm sure will be best for your baby