HELP - to try or not to try. Very confused!!

[Thursday37]

Hello all

Am not sure if I am posting this because I want some advice or just because I need to “say it”. Apologies, this is long!

I’m 37, married for just over a year. OH 42. I was always fiercely anti having kids, never had maternal leanings of any sort and only had a passing interest in anyone else’s (happy to have the odd cuddle, very happy to hand them back) and genuinely liked life the way it was.

BUT, the faintest tick tock of a biological clock seems to have started up in the last few months. I’m terrified of it as I am OLD and clueless and just not sure if it is the right thing or not.

OH has always been anti-kids too although I wasn’t sure why as he just always joked it off, then randomly we had “a proper chat” last week (prompted by my visit to someone’s new baby) and he has revealed that he is not actually anti-kids, and isn’t against the idea although is frankly terrified at the thought of it too. He has a difficult relationship with his own family and he is so worried he’ll be a rubbish dad (but I know that he absolutely wouldn’t be). He has basically said that if I want to try he is happy to do that, and if I don’t want to – he is equally happy to stay as we are.

So now I am debating – do we at least try? Or just not bother? I am realistic – at my age the odds are not in our favour. I have no interest in fertility treatment (big respect for those that do it – I have friends who have done that, but it is not for us, I know that at least). I’ve been off the pill for nearly 3 years as it was just not working for me anymore so I know that might help as I don’t have to wait for any hormones to work out of my system. But we have also moved to a new area and I have started a new job that I love and I’m frankly just scared. We also have no local family for help.

Financially we’re ok - I guess we would struggle as we are used to having disposable income but we are far from skint compared to some, have own house and a rental and I have a horse (who won’t be going anywhere!). So whilst it is a factor it’s not a big one.

Having spent the last 21 years trying to not be pregnant the thought of actually actively trying now is just so daunting. What if I do get pregnant and we both hate being parents? What if we try and it doesn’t happen and we turn into the people we never want to be that obsess about it? What if we don’t try and I/we wake up in 10 year time and feel that was the wrong thing?

Completely confused and a little bit freaked out. I don’t want to talk to friends or family as they will be so shocked at my change of heart and I want no pressure from anywhere if we do decide to try.

Anyone else faced this dilemma? It seems that so many couples just know it is what they want (or don’t) and I am so confused. I am normally such a decisive person but this just seems so huge my head is muddled. Then there is this little voice that keeps saying, stop thinking and just do it.

Honestly, it sounds like you'll regret it if you don't try.

If you have a baby you'll love them, promise.

By the by, I never had any interest in other people's children either. Mine are far more interesting

I'm having my first at 36. You're not too hold but you don't want to hang around.

I'd go for it :)

I was anti kids too, until I got my bf. It took some getting used to even though it was sort of planned. Very happy now. From your post it sounds as though you'd regret not trying. I'd say give it a try, when you period turns up after a month of proper trying you'll have your answer. Unless,like me, you get caught first time and don't have chance to change your mind!

My husband and I thought we didn't want any children and would be happy without and then I got a bit worried that we would regret not trying after it was too late and I didn't want to be mid-40s and regretful. We were a bit scared/didn't like babies and I did not feel maternal in the slightest.

So we gave it a go about 5 years after getting married. Didn't get anywhere, (I was mid-30s and DH late 30s), decided to give IVF one go and I just assumed it wouldn't work and then we'd go back to our normal, boozy lives with fab holidays. We were one of the lucky ones who had a successful IVF round and DD is nearly 3 (and I am 6 months pregnant with a natural miracle after a failed frozen IVF cycle earlier this year) and I love being a mum, which surprised me. I will be nearly 38 when No. 2 arrives in January and DH will be 43. Lots of my local mum/dad friends are similar ages.

I still don't really like babies/am scared of them.

We love our life now, although I also genuinely believe we'd have been perfectly happy without children if we'd tried and it hadn't worked out because we'd have given it a try.

Good luck, it is scary and daunting but also great!

I was really confused as to why you were online dating (OLD) when you had a DH, then realised it wasn't an acronym

I think most people worry they won't want to be parents once the baby is here (I certainly have those feelings). It will be hard, but will you regret if you don't try?

The fact that you've thought this much about it suggests you would like to try. Just reading between the lines You say you and OH are petrified but that's normal, your fears are of the unknown and why shouldn't we be a fearful of what we don't know.
But you won't regret any children you have - your feelings for your own children will be very different to other peoples children. Someone who is part of you and your OH that you've brought into this world.

I like what Junosmum said - when trying your reaction if your period shows up will tell you more than anyone else can tell you.

You and OH sound like you're in a good place together so why not? That's how me and OH half knew now was right time for us - together 7 years, financies stable and we're happy together, so the massive change is doable, together.

I was very much the same!

I am writing this whilst cuddling my 10 week old

Basically, we had been together 10 years, time wasn't on our side either.

The thing that swung it for me - would I regret, 10 years down the line not trying? I think I could have handled not being able to conceive as I never had that burning desire for a child. I never wanted a baby. I do like children though and did want a family - we both get on well with our families and spend lots of time with them, I couldn't imagine not having that in 20/30 yrs time.

It's so strange, now DS is here I couldn't imagine life without him and I am now considering #2

I think if I were you I wouldn't actively try to get pregnant ,as that could lead to it being an issue / obsession , but I'd stop whatever you do now that actively stops you getting pregnant , that way it's never an issue if you don't but a happy event if you do IYSWIM.

Honestly? If I were you, I would try and leave it up to nature.

I think you'll regret it if you don't at least try.

For what it's worth, I never wanted children. I didn't even particularly like children that much, but I now have two and my love for them is fierce.

I have virtually zero interest in other people's babies (I prefer them when they can interact!), and have never considered myself 'maternal' - but this was true of my mum and sister too pre-kids, and they adore being mums. (Clearly my mum has to say that, haha!). I will find out if this is true of me too when baby no. 1 arrives in November! I have been really surprised during pregnancy to find myself feeling increasingly maternal.

When I was having the kids/no kids debate with myself before we started trying, I found it helpful to imagine myself as an old lady. I pictured children in the mix, and also no children. And I realised that actually, I really do want kids around, and in time their kids - and that it's family which really matter to me. So therefore, even I don't relish the idea of some aspects of early parenthood, it is hugely important to me and something that I want as part of the future. And it therefore followed that if that's what I wanted, then we needed to start trying at some point, and there's no time like the present! (My OH has also been super-keen on kids).

I think it's also important that your partner doesn't just leave it to you to decide (despite his 'issues' with the idea of being a dad), that's a bit mean! You are a partnership, and that will be even more important as you move forward with this - you need a buy-in from him too, even it is a little lukewarm!

Thanks all for the comments, much appreciated. I do think that I will say to OH that we should stop trying to not be pregnant, rather than actively "try" and then see how that feels after a few months.

I don't want to make it a big deal. But then should I start taking folic acid anyway? That makes it feel like actually trying - but then it is important though isn't it? Arrgghh. It's like if I do something like that I am admitting to myself that it is what I want. But is it? I start to think that I do for a few minutes and then I get a wave of panic and talk myself out of it. I am seriously doing my own head in now.

I am going home for wine. Lots of, in case at some point I can't have any!

Take the folic acid - take it as part of a multivitamin, hopefully that will stop it feeling so pregnancy focused.

Forget the wine ,go give the horse a cuddle and see what he thinks ,nothing better than an understanding horse IME .

Go for it. Good luck

Go for it!
It's the best thing EVER!.........
Well I think so anyway

I didn't think I'd ever have kids. I'm not maternal at all. I don't coo over babies, I get really irritated by other people's noisy kids..
I wasn't 100% against it I just couldn't imagine being a mum.
Then I met my (now) husband through OLD. On our first date he said he wanted to have a family one day, so I always knew that being with him would be committing to having kids.
I figured that lots of people aren't maternal until they have kids and was pretty sure I'd love them once they were here!
We started trying a few months before the wedding, I came back from the honeymoon pregnant. I'm 22 weeks now and will be 35 years old when it's born.
I'm not worried about not being maternal now and just feel really, really excited about it all.

I think you should go for it. Not everyone has a burning desire for kids but it seems to grow as the baby does, a biological necessity I suppose!

You can always agree to give it 6 months in the 'not actively trying but not NOT trying' phase and see what happens. If you aren't pregnant at the end of 6 months have another discussion about what you want to do next.

We decided on that route and I was pregnant within 2 months of stopping the pill, just around the time I turned 34 - I assumed it would take longer. In a way I was glad that decision had been taken away from me and we just had to get on with it.

And yes enjoy some fantastic wine now before heartburn and preggo guilt ruins it for you, and take the folic acid.

Good luck

Wanted a baby had one miscarriage then got pregnant. Never been particularly maternal. Love other people's babies.

Pregnant now and I won't say this has been the happiest time of my life. Pregnancy has sucked big time. Nausea consistently and now reflux. I have felt seriously depressed and worried for my sanity. I wouldn't have done this had I known how unrelenting this has been. I probably wouldn't have believed though it could be soooo wrong.

Anyway in a couple of weeks I will have a baby. It can only get better or at least I hope it will. oH has been my rock. He has been extremely supportive even though he never really wanted kids. He is now mega excited. Unfortunately that means he wants another. I'm not sure I can do this again.

I was the same. DH already has 2 DS's (19 and 16!) and we'd decided we weren't going to have any (Though I loved babies, I wasn't particularly maternal, and DH wasn't fussed either way). Then in January this year I felt that unfamiliar ticking of the biological clock, so we had a 'chat' and decided to get my coil taken out and just see what happened (I did start taking folic acid when the coil came out, as if it were to happen, I wanted to do it right).

My coil came out on 20/5/15 and I had my BFP on the 27/7/15. I was terrified, thinking 'what have I done!'. I'm now 17 weeks + and can't believe I ever felt like that. I am so excited to be a mum, and can't wait until I meet him/her in March (when I'll be 35).

I personally would have regretted not trying.