Anyone else find ther traumatic birth/post birth experience come back to haunt them with 2nd pregnancy?

[Shellster52]

I am 13 weeks pregnant with my second. It's taken us four years of trying and 11 attempts at IVF to create this baby. So I should be over the moon and grateful. But I had a horrible experience with the hospital when I gave birth to my first and had some post natal depression as a result. Now that I am pregnant with my second. I have found myself bursting into tears as the memory of my first birth/post birth hospital experience re-surfaces. I worry that when I and after I actually give birth (different hospital!) the memory will return even more vividly. I want to get past this now so I can enjoy number two after the effort it took to create him/her. Hoping chatting with others on here who had a first traumatic experience might help me have closure and move forward.

I understand.

I had a third degree tear after giving birth to my first child, and the aftermath (having to go to theatre afterwards, being separated from my baby, terrible postnatal care) was so traumatic I was anxious and depressed for months.

I was ADAMANT that I was having a caesarean if I had a second - both to preserve what was left of my pelvic floor, and because I just couldn't face a natural birth again.

Well, I got one and it was brilliant, and best of all the entire pregnancy wasn't spent living in fear of the birth.

So, remember you DO have options if you feel like you're so scared of giving birth it's affecting your mental health.

I had a traumatic first pregnancy that caused pre-natal depression in my second because I hadn't properly come to terms with some of the stuff that happened.

I had some CBT counselling at the height of my depression which helped me understand the root cause. I also worried that I wouldn't bond with my DD because at times I wished i'd never got pregnant again with her but once she arrived I felt differently.

I'd recommend some sort of counselling too so you can overcome past issues

I did think it would but it didn't. Even with my third I had the same fears but it didn't happen.

Share you fears with your midwife. She may be able to help.

I am glad for you that you were happy with a caesarean for your second Driver and that it helped you enjoy your second pregnancy without fear of birth. I had an episiotomy with my first but the scissors were blunt and while a lady went to get new ones, the Dr continues hacking away at my vagina with the old ones and hubby said the skin was just folding like paper between blunt scissors and just making a mess but not a proper cut. It was painful for months and even now four years later gives me pain from time to time. I really do want a vaginal birth and worry that it is all scarred from the butcher Dr and now won't stretch. I plan to see a specialist in this area and hopefully I will get some reassurance and that will put one of my traumatic experiences out of my head.

The CBT therapy really does sound like a good idea baking. I wonder if there is some reading I could do online or in a book, as I kinda don't feel comfortable whining that my depression is based on matters such as an episiotomy cut and a butcher Dr not respecting my vagina! That sounds ridiculous.

I had a traumatic experience first time round and it plagued me through my second pregnancy. I seriously considered an ELCS.

Is there an option to have a proper debrief about your first birth? I was in a different hospital too second time around and they got my notes from before and spent time listening to me and going through exactly what happened. It really helped.

The second birth was a comparative breeze, and I wished I hadn't worried so much. However, like a pp said, you do have options re ELCS etc.
Wishing you lots of luck!

I found second time was quite healing in that it was pretty textbook and we went home within 24 hours and it mitigated the awful experience when dd born and five days in hospital and showed me first time had been bad rather than normal.

I know what you mean Shellster I felt a bit ridiculous talking about some of my worries when people around the world were dying in wars and of starvation but you have to realize that your own life issues are important too.

For you, somebody in a professional capacity in essence violated your body and you need to come to terms with that. It's properly acknowledging that it happened, coming to terms with both it and the impact it had on your life that essentially frees you from it and professional counselling will help you do this. Sorry if i've come across a bit new agey which is quite funny as i'm normally very scientific and matter of fact

I had counselling before l could even start ttc for dc2.

Once dh and l decided to go for dc2 l couldn't stop crying because of my experience with dd1.

The counselling really helped.

I had PTSD treatment during this pregnancy, the midwife referred me and I'm so glad she did. It was tough reliving everything but I can now go into this birth feeling more in control and calm, I would've been a mess otherwise. I only just finished the treatment at 34 weeks so I'd ask as soon as you can if it's something you want to do, good luck

My son spent two weeks in nicu after his traumatic birth... Cord issues lead to inhaling his meuconium and then a collapsed lung,. He then had issues for the next two years. It took 3 years before I was ready to consider another child.
One really odd thing is that the mw I saw at my booking in was quite dismissive of my experience and brushed off my fears with a water birth. Fortunately the consultant I am seeing was much more understanding. I am going to ask for an early epidural and constant monitoring if possible.

There is a support group for traumatic births... But I can't remember the website. If you ggoogle they are easy to find.

One thing that really helped me was listening to real life birth stories. Hopefully this doesn't sound harsh but I know of 1 person who described their labour as perfect and she had a messed up epidural the second time round. For me accepting that labour is incredibly traumatic really helped.

Katy

Comingroundthemountain, I hope I mimic your experience and that the second birth is much better and mitigates the first experience rather than it bringing back the haunting thoughts of the first experience. I hear stories like yours and try to tell myself that my situation could have been worse.

Katy, your words do no sound harsh at all. Your sons birth really does sound traumatic - and even more so the after effects. I am glad our consultant took your concerns seriously (and rightly so!) unlike the midwife. Like you wanting certain things that are relevant to your first experience, I too want things that are relevant to overcoming my first poor experience. Unlike your requests of epidural and constant monitoring which is achievable by the Dr, some of my things are hoping that my episiotomy botch job enables me to give birth naturally and having skin to skin contact after birth rather than having baby taken away from me because I was told I need rest rather than being able to bond as happened in first birth. But these are the sorts of things that are out of my control to some extent depending on how things go on the day so it's not something I can prepare for and feel reassured in advance.

I had my first midwife appointment last night and she was absolutely lovely. It helps that at least she knows the issues of my first birth and is working with me to do things differently this time and even if things don't go to plan, she can know what is the next best thing for what I want.

Oops, meant to address the thought that I hear stories like yours to tell myself my situation could have been worse to KatyN. Didn't mean to ignore your post. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I think there are lots of us who are traumatised by birtj! Similar to a pp I have seeked help prior to even trying for dc2- I ended up having a debrief with a midwife from the hospital I gave birth at and a referal for cbt therapy. I found the debrief incredible really helpful. My biggest concern was that my induction led to an epidural straight away which led to me not being able to push properly and hence episiotomy and ventouse delivery which still caused me a lot of pain more than 6 weeks after delivery.

For a long time I wanted a csection however like you op I know would really like to delivery vaginally if possible. A supportive midwife is great and should help ensure you get the support you need. I'm going back to hospital midwife to write my birth plan with her when I am fortunate enough to get pregnant again

Absolutely. You sound like me!

First time round I was full of yoga positions, hypnobirthing mantras, belief in the power of my body, all that jazz. I was as positive as it was possible to be, and after an easy pregnancy with no risk factors, very nearly went for a home birth. It was only pressure from DH that led to my opting for a water pool in the MLU.

Anyway, it was horrendous. Ended up with a 24-hr active labour, ending with every drug and intervention going, and both me and DS in very bad states.
It took us both months to recover - including two hospital admissions for DS - and we both still have problems that I believe are directly related to the birth.

This time I'm terrified. All the stuff that I told myself last time, about believing in my body, the pain relieving abilities of water and the power of breathing exercises, I now know is bollocks if the baby has other ideas.

I delayed ttc because I was so frightened of giving birth again, and now I know it's going to happen I'm just in bits. Anyway, I have no advice - just wanted to say you're very much not alone.

Thanks so much Running. As much as you say I have no advice an are just sharing to say I'm not alone. I think that's exactly what I need! Just someone to have a bit of a rant with on here to let it off my chest.

24 hour active labor - that sounds horrendous enough in itself let alone what ever else went on! Mine was 12 hours but as I was induced as I was 2 weeks over due, it was full on from the get go.

I didn't do much in the way of preparation like you as I felt there was nothing really that could prepare me for the pain and I would be in the safe hands of the experts at the time to give me advice. Little did I know how useless they would be! I was put on my back with legs in stirrups and I dutifully followed along. I later did reading and now know this goes against gravity. The midwife kept pushing her finger towards the back of my who ha telling me to push into that spot when I had a contraction but all it did was make me want to cringe and retract rather than push with her fingers near my bum hole! I should have spoken up and told her that was horrible but I dutifully did as told. Then when the baby wasn't coming out because I wasn't comfortable with them down there, they cut me. The scissors were blunt but they kept trying anyway and just made lots of hacks into me but no cut until someone eventually come with sharp scissors. It's still painful to this day. After he he was born I asked for help with initiating breastfeeding but they took him off me overnight saying that I needed rest. The next day I went home and when I rang to say it felt like razor blades breast feeding and I needed to come back to get help with attachment (as it was 11pm and there were no lactation consultants available) I was told very bluntly 'Go to emergency - we are busy with our own patients' I just freaking gave birth there! Not knowing what to do I went to emergency. Of course, their specialty is not breastfeeding so they admitted him and put him on formula. My whole pregnancy I had planned on breastfeeding and read how good it was for baby and just went home in tears. I picked my son up again the next morning but by that time it was too late and my milk didn't come in.

So in a nutshell, I find that I am still very upset with the hospital for hacking me with blunt scissors and causing permanent damage and for taking baby away from me after birth which I now know is the crucial time for initiating breast feeding, and then for telling me to rack off when I asked for help with breast feeding. So it's my unresolved issues towards the hospital mistreatment that I find are surfacing again now rather than a long or horrendous ardous birth that is no ones fault. I'm at a different hospital this time and I shall definitely speak up this time now that I don't trust the 'professionals'. It took 11 attempts at IVF to achieve this pregnancy so I just want to enjoy him/her when the arrive. But I have found myself in tears when I think about the past treatment and so I worry that all my unresolved emotions are going to resurface when I give birth and I'm going to be in tears instead.

Sorry for the long rant. As I said, I think I just need to chat to get it off my chest rather than needing some solution to my issues.

I assume your issues were slightly different Running in that it was the labor itself and your body and baby having different ideas that made it traumatic rather than it being anyone''s fault whom you feel resentment towards. Feel free to share. Is there anything practical you can do this time now knowing what happened, that could help to overcome your issues first time round should they arise again?

ickle that was my story too with dd1, induction, failed epidural and eventual ventouse delivery. Absolutely horrible.

I gave birth to dd2 earlier this week and couldn't have had a better experience. Quick and no medical interference, just gas and air.

I went into my first birth like running - full of confidence that I could handle this, did all the 'right' things and did manage a completely intervention free, natural birth. However, I tore quite badly and I will never forget the pain, it was like being tortured. I also then had to go to theatre to get stitched up and couldn't sit comfortably for at least a month, sex was too painful for 6 months and I've never been the same down there.

I decided there and then if I ever had another baby I would ask for an ELCS, and now that I'm expecting DD2 some five years later that's still what I want. The first (junior) doctor I spoke to was very dismissive, but thankfully when I saw the consultant at 28 weeks she was much more sympathetic, and although she also recommended another VB she said she will support my decision to have a section.

It sounds like you had very poor 'care' from all the professionals involved last time, so it's good that you're at a different hospital this time. Make sure you talk about your fears with your mw/consultant, and if you don't feel they're taking you seriously try and see someone else. Fx you'll have a better experience this time, whatever you decide is the best option for you.

I feel exactly the same.
I have a consultant appt. next week and I am adamant that I want a ELCS. I'm fucking terrified.

Don't worry Thursday. I had no trouble getting an ELCS (four months ago now, it was a fantastic experience) precisely because I was so terrified of natural birth. Just be honest that the prospect of a natural birth is just intolerable for you. I had such a relaxed pregnancy knowing I was having a section.

Thank you Driver that's very reassuring
I actually think the consultant might be more sympathetic than my MW team, they're v heavy on the 'natural' birth agenda here.

Well funnily enough, I had the consultant telling me there was zero chance of another third degree tear (because scar tissue is SO stretchy ) whereas the midwives didn't question it. Or maybe I gave off such an air of certainty they didn't feel like questioning me

Driver that is very intersting you say scar tissue is SO stretchy. I thought, and have read on the internet somewhere in the past that scar tissue is makes it more difficult to stretch next time and hence my fear about my still painful episiotomy scar and my ability to give birth this time. Is it really true that it is stretchy rather than what I have read?