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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Mum going a bit overboard

25 replies

popmama1 · 08/09/2015 16:45

My mum is extremely excited to be having a granddaughter but she's going a bit crazy and not sure how to calm her down. She's bought a full travel system, got the car seat already installed in the car and got a baby on board sign. She's made a proper nursery for my baby in her house. Cot, wardrobe, drawers, changing table, nursing chair, Moses basket, pretty much everything you can imagine to have in a nursery. As soon as we found out the gender and told her the name she's painted it pink and plastered wall art on with my girl's name. Even filled the wardrobe and drawers with loads of clothing specifically for when she is staying, got bumper packs of nappies and wipes. I really appreciate it but we haven't even got anything like that yet, only a travel system (because it was on sale) and a few bits of clothing. I just feel like she's wasted lots of money, especially on newborn clothes that she's keeping for herself. I was thinking about suggesting she should give us some of the stuff that's she's bought as she won't be needing it and we will but it sounds a bit cheeky. Anyone else experienced this?

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Iamnotloobrushphobic · 08/09/2015 16:50

I read the thread title and thought this was going to be like my mum who has bought piles of clothes and toiletries and given them all to me meaning I have twice as many clothes as I planned to get but your mum is far more extreme.
I think there is nothing wrong with grannies having some stuff at their place for when the grand kids come over but they don't need a full nursery set up, a travel system of their own or a complete wardrobe of clothes.
I would have a word with her and tell her that you don't want to sound ungrateful but you are concerned that she is spending lots of money on things that will hardly be used and it would be better if you bought things over when you visit to avoid duplication and unnecessary expense.

DriverSurpriseMe · 08/09/2015 16:52

That's barking - but it's not the first time I've heard something like this.

How soon is she expecting to have overnight stays? Are you OK with this?

Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt · 08/09/2015 16:54

Honestly, I wouldn't be cheeky, I would be rude but that's just me and my temper probably. I'd tell her straight to the point that my child wasn't going to be in her care for a good while and that this kind of behaviour makes me feel inferior and excluded. It's my child NOT hers.

BikeRunSki · 08/09/2015 17:01

It's bonkers, but harmless. Be grateful that you won't need a removals truck every time you go and see your mum! I don't dislike my VW estate, but I loved my Mini!!

ArmfulOfRoses · 08/09/2015 17:04

Does she have any reason to think the baby will be staying over straight away?

Original poster

popmama1 · 08/09/2015 17:09

I'm not too sure when she is expecting my girl to stay with her, but by buying tonnes of newborn things I imagine it'll be fairly early. She only lives 10 minutes away and if I need her to look after her it will be in my flat. I'm only 18 weeks, found out the gender with a private scan last week. I want to say something but don't want to burst her bubble. This is going to be her only grandchild too as don't want another one, been through a fair few miscarriages and don't want to go through it again. Because of that it will all go to waste, by the time I'm comfortable with her staying by herself she'll be old enough to be in a bed. There's nowhere for me to sleep and will only have her stay there as a baby if I'm there too.

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Original poster

popmama1 · 08/09/2015 17:10

I've not given her any hints that she will be staying, she's just gone out and got all this stuff expecting that she will be there a lot by how much she's got.

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BikeRunSki · 08/09/2015 20:33

She'll visit though surely? And babies sleep, need changing, have a bath at all times of day.

Junosmum · 08/09/2015 20:47

Can I ask, we're your parents a bit hard up when they had you/ siblings? Mine were and then they were better off when they had my little brother. They did there best with me but with him they went nuts, matching furniture, newly decorated room. Could be that she finally able to treat a baby like she really wanted to first time round. I understand your frustration but she just sounds super excited, which is nice, but nuts!

trilbydoll · 08/09/2015 20:55

The only advice I have is re the car seat, if she has an accident it'll need replacing so maybe gently point out it would be better in the house, you can't guarantee no one is going to go into the back of you.

Also DD2 was in size 1 nappies for 3w and size 2 for 6w. So if she has hundreds of tiny nappies they might be better swapped for bigger sizes.

Other than that I'm not sure what you can say. Unless she makes reference directly to baby staying over, and then you can say Mmm, maybe not, who knows how I will feel etc.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 08/09/2015 21:21

That's crazy! Especially as your newborn won't be staying there anyway without you.

Lunastarfish · 08/09/2015 21:33

If this was a Mil doing this posters would be telling you she's crazy and to put your foot down now otherwise it'll get worse. I don't think it is any different.

I think you need to tell your mum now that your baby won't be staying over so she isn't going to get the opportunity to use all this stuff.

BaxterDawes · 08/09/2015 21:37

She sounds like a loon.

Chillyegg · 08/09/2015 21:43

If you like the stuff she's got ask to have/buy some of it? Agreed with pp about tiny nappies they last week's. Also so do newborn clothes m, it's hard to think my 5 month old was that tiny! Congratulations BTW

SaveMeBarry · 08/09/2015 21:43

I think you should speak to her about this and I'd do it now rather than waiting until the baby arrives as emotions will be higher then no doubt! It is a bit odd and very presumptuous of her.

Someone asked if maybe money was tight when she had her own DC and poss she's trying to make up for that. Thing is though, it's not her baby and she's being oddly self indulgent buying all this stuff for her home, surely if she can afford to splash out it would make more sense to offer to pay for things you'll need in your own house?

PennyHasNoSurname · 08/09/2015 21:45

Honestly, its a bit "Single White Female" isnt it?

Id say "Mam, what have you gone and spent all this money for? You know the baby is living with me right?"

blondiejess1982 · 08/09/2015 22:42

Is it wrong that if my mum did this I would be over the moon? But if it was MIL I would not be happy at all!!!
In all seriousness though everyone is different and if it bothers you maybe have a word, if you have a good relationship with your mum she might be a bit hurt but will probably understand.

ALongTimeComing · 09/09/2015 07:39

My Mil has done similar and it drives me loopy. Everything I try to make a comment it's "it's just what grandparents do, and it's lovely to be able to do it". But my grandparents didn't and my parents haven't. My baby is breastfed and I don't feel comfortable thinking about leaving her overnight. It's like an animal feeling at the moment. Everytime she buys something else it makes me increasingly uncomfortable, especially when she asks me when I'm going to stop breastfeeding so me and DH can go out. . It does upset me that she hasn't actually considered my feelings.

Once the baby is here you are in charge anyway. Baby isn't a doll and needs her/his parents for quite some time.

Given that it's your Mum, I hope you've got the relationship to say how you feel. I find it difficult as I don't want to hurt and relationships with my MIL and I do want my baby to be close to her grandparents. I do want to be respectful and not have any major fallings out.

DriverSurpriseMe · 09/09/2015 08:08

And even if you're not breastfeeding, you don't have to hand your baby over for overnight stays if you don't want to!

TheHouseOnTheLane · 09/09/2015 08:14

You'll need to let her know that the baby won't be staying with her in the early days. Tell her to take the things back or give them to you!

For warning....my MIL calls herself "Second Mama" in reference to her DDs son....so my SIL is regularly sidelined by her...I was much stronger re my own children with MIL....SILS son actually shouts "Mama! Mama!" when MIL leaves.

Seeyalater · 09/09/2015 08:16

Eek I think you need to be very clear that baby won't be staying there until it's much bigger. She might have it in her head that baby will be sleeping over from early on and that needs nipping in the bud.

Snowfilledsky · 09/09/2015 08:20

I wouldn't have toid her it was a girl or the name TBH. She seems very OTT. I would have stopped her at the painting stage.

Autumn2014 · 09/09/2015 09:56

Does your mum have a partner, is your dad still at home? What do they think? I wonder what her female friends think. What does your partner think? Can she afford to buy all this stuff? I'd be worried that she will experience some sort of crash or breakdown once your baby is born and she has to accept that she doesn't have as much control as she plans.

HJBeans · 09/09/2015 10:24

Personally I'd be hugely uncomfortable with this.

Firstly because, having had a few miscarriages myself, I felt it really difficult to believe my DS was actually going to arrive safe. I didn't do any early buying and wasn't able to enjoy other people being excited for us. I just wanted to wait for the baby in my own way. This over-preparation would feel really intrusive to me.

Secondly, it does seem to suggest your mum expects to see alot of her granddaughter and from very early on. I'd feel that pressure very strongly and would want to make sure everyone was clear that visits and stays had to be driven by you, your daughter and your partner.

But I don't know how I'd handle it now it's happened as she's so clearly excited and loving her granddaughter already and that in itself is really nice. Can you maybe talk about why this makes you uneasy in a way that focuses on your feelings rather than her behaviour, if you see what I mean?

gallicgirl · 11/10/2015 00:08

So how did that conversation with your mum pan out?

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