Don't like your midwife?

[CarrieLouise25]

I haven't actually met my midwife yet. She's been on holiday, and I'll first meet her when I'm 16 1/2 weeks. So I can't fully judge yet....

However, a brief chat on the phone, sounds very young (nothing wrong with that) and not at all bothered about my sickness. I had HG with previous, and this one has been shit too. No recommendations, said it was normal etc etc. Same things I got told with other two, and because I wasn't being physically sick just permanent nausea, retching all day every day/night, and I was keeping what little I was eating down, I didn't bother pushing it (don't know why).

Not put on any weight, lost some, and still feeling shit, but am getting hours in the day when I don't feel too bad. Perhaps turning a corner.

Anyways. I'm planning a home birth. I also have very intense labours (have threads on both).

My previous 2 births, denied pain relief both times by midwives who were young and didn't have children. Only midwives who offered sympathy and pain relief were those who were older and those who clearly had children. Sorry to judge those who haven't, but it's just my experience.

So, I have googled this midwife, and she's 21, and is on facebook. Sounds very very young, just got married, no kids.

So I'm being very judgemental here, and I apologise, but I'm really upset. I'm tired of being treated without sympathy. I'm tired of not being text book. I'm going to be devastated if this third birth doesn't go the way I want it to, and I don't get the pain relief I need. And now I'm shit scared that this inexperienced midwife will not give me the confidence to have a home birth, and I don't want to go to hospital.

Can you change midwives without causing a lot of hassle/insult?

I know everyone has to start somewhere, but after my last experiences, I don't want it to be with me!

Obviously if it is her at the home birth, she'll be with a second midwife who should be very experienced with home births, but I won't meet her until the day.

I had in my head this lovely rapport to build up with midwife, and it would all go swimmingly well on the day. Of course I'm being naive...

I'm sure you can ask for a different midwife. It sounds like you've been through a lot with previous births and need someone who is sympathetic to that. In your position, I'd give her a chance at the appointment though rather than judging her on one phone call and what you've read online. Is she really just 21 though? Seems very young. If she's just qualified I imagine she'll be very up to date and closely supervised which can be a good thing. I'm also surprised that her Facebook isn't better locked down, are you certain it's her?
Congratulations btw and best of luck!

MagpieCursedTea - thank you so much for your reply. Just needed some ideas/thoughts, as feel so crap and emotional right now. Just tired of feeling sick, feels like forever , and not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not (but definitely didn't want to post in AIBU or I'd been in tears no doubt with the replies! )

Yes, I will definitely wait to judge when I meet, sorry I know I'm coming across as really judgemental based on a phone call and social media research

Midwife I met the other week (who was covering from another surgery) was lovely and she told me that my midwife had just got married, and was new and her name is unusual so was very easy to find.

see how you feel when you meet her face to face...she may come across better IRL. If you're still unsure but can't change you have the advantage that as an experienced mum you can be firm, clear and confident about what you want and need. Be open and honest with her and she may respond very well.
(no experience, only met my first mw last week)
good luck

I'd outline your concerns at the appointment. Not the ones about her being young of course, but the ones about your previous experiences and how you want this pregnancy to go, so something like,

" with my last two pregnancies I had hg and I felt I wasn't listened to - it's really important for me that this time I get the support I need - lets talk about what options there are for managing hg...'

That instantly sets you up in a position where she knows your concern and you can gauge her response.

It's so important you like and work well with your mw. I am incredibly lucky to have a fabulous woman who has been rock solid support through hg, spd and a couple of more serious complications. She's been fantastic and I have huge trust in her. When I went for my booking in appt she was very clear that the trust is key and that if I didn't get along with the midwife I was allocated, for any reason, I was to tell the practice manager and they'd give me someone else - she was very open that some people just don't gel and that if that happened there's no blame attached - 'it's a bit like dating' she said, 'someone can be nice but just not right for you.'

I'd give her a chance - you never know, she might be fabulous in person.

My midwife who I have met a few times before broke her leg at the start of this pregnancy.

It has not really bothered me as I have understood that the NHS service isn't like having your personal mate to mentor you - it is a risk and medical programme to ensure you and your baby's safe passage through this process.

It is not that they are not kind but they don't seem to actually care that I've been up all night.

Luckily my husband does.
Its not a complaint in any way - but I think that is just how it is.

I cant comment on the home birth as I have never been lucky enough to have one - but you will need to be assertive to get the pain relief you want.

5hell - absolutely, she could be lovely in person - I will be honest about previous experiences, and hope I'm just being hormonal and irrational

Skiptonlass - Thanks, I like your explanation. I don't want to insult her, or upset her, but I do know what I want this time around. I had severe SPD in first (never diagnosed) led to giving birth on back and legs up against chest, had severe back pain for 3 years after DC1. Second time, took ages to get recognised, but it did eventually and had physio, crutches etc and was on my birth plan notes so they knew.

It's kicked in early this time, and I know the signs/pain etc. Feel like I'm just going to come across so demanding to get what I want. I can sit here and think, yeah, I'll make sure I get the help I need this time. But when I'm in the surgery, I just get fobbed off and accept there's no help. Don't know why. I hate a fight to get what I want? Your midwife sounds fabulous! And yes, not everyone clicks with everyone, that's life. She sounds so nice

I hope I'm not coming across as precious! I really am not

poocatcherchampion - yes, assertive is what I need. I can do absolutely anything that my kids need, will fight for whatever it is, but when it comes to me...I don't know. I just wanted this one to go well. So far I've not fought for sickness help (again), but I really need to get some confidence to get what I need for the remainder, and not just moan about it afterwards.

BUT. I am pre-judging. And I know that's wrong. She could be the best midwife I've ever had, so I will wait and see!

Thanks everyone, and good luck with your pregnancies x

If you need medication for sickness visit your gp. Your midwife isn't able to medicate you. Also, ask go for a physio referral to get your spd assessed sooner rather than later.

Yes , if you need something for sickness it is the GP that can prescribe not the midwife - she can only offer advice and sympathy .

Ditto SPD - GP can refer to physio as they are the ones that control the budget for your practice . Midwife can refer you to GP so they can sort SPD .

With regards to pain relief - it should never have been denied previously but this midwife could be different - just because she is young doesn't mean she will not support homebirths either - most younger ones I know support them more than the midwives who have worked for many years!

Pain relief options are very limited with home birth anyway - gas and air and water usually , with some areas offering pethidine or meptid but that again is down to your GP to prescribe as midwife is not allowed to carry or prescribe it for home use .

Thanks for advice

I did go to the GP for medication and SPD, but it was a major hassle (2nd preg). I had to beg on my hands and knees persuade the midwife to persuade the GP to see me again and to refer me to physio. He (GP) told me it was in my head (for the SPD - he said everyone get aches and pains) and that the sickness couldn't be that bad if I made it to the surgery.

Seems they don't want to do much around here without a massive stressful fight. I'm too tired to fight on the sickness issue. I'm not as bad as some ladies have it, because I'm keeping the sick down mostly, and I'm really hoping I'm over the worst (sorry for too much info, but I find it hard to be sick. Even when I have had food poisoning/norovirus, I have to stick my fingers down my throat to get going or I just lie around for hours feeling like I'm dying. As a result - I am retching all the time, and stomach is churning, but I am controlling the sickness in the main - just feel sick all day/night)

But I will be getting a GP appt to get SPD diagnosed earlier this time as I know the signs and my GP has now left and I have a new GP not yet met.

babyiwantabump - you're right, maybe this younger midwife will be more enthusiastic/supportive about a home birth. I only want gas and air, I'm happy to manage on that, but I got denied it twice before, and I've just read a home birth story link where the midwife forgot the gas and air and the lady gave birth without it. And another story where the midwife didn't bring enough gas and air and they ran out.

Someone told me that they deliver the gas and air earlier for a home birth, and the midwife just brings the key to access it. Hope so...

Just panicking about everything, and probably being irrational. Sick and tired of feeling crap. I know other ladies feel the same, I'm not the only one. Just wish I was of the ones that bloomed....

He (GP) told me it was in my head (for the SPD - he said everyone get aches and pains) and that the sickness couldn't be that bad if I made it to the surgery.

This is such a shitty attitude! Vomit in his fucking waste bin / sink next time. In no other patient pool would it be acceptable to just ignore vomiting several times a day or severe pain! Grrr! I'm afraid I'd be challenging over that (I am a scientist, I know my stuff.)

I'm so lucky with my lot - I had to spew in her bin (poor midwife) and she was so nice about it....she called the doc, spoke to him on the phone, called me back an hour later and said 'there's a prescription in the system for you.' For the physio I had an appt in three days. Neither the drugs nor the physio helped much mind, but the thought was there ;)

Carrie you sound fed up. You might not fancy so have some

Yep, GP wasn't very nice about any of it, so I gave up. I'm so glad he's not there anymore. Throwing up in his bin would have been fun though .

Totally agree, I always say to my DH (who is probably tired of my moaning but not showing it) that if I wasn't pregnant I would think there was something seriously wrong with me. It's almost like, 'you're pregnant, that's what you have to deal with and that's that', but if you weren't pregnant, they'd be investigating and helping you work out why you are so ill.

For the physio I had an appt in three days. Neither the drugs nor the physio helped much mind, but the thought was there ;)

Haha....yep...physio didn't do much at all, but I agree, the thoughts there and you feel like you're trying to do something about it; you're being taken seriously etc

Roll on labour day (the bit after when you hold your baby) - no more babies after this!!

It's a strange attitude to worry this much before you have even met her, and to judge her by looking her up on face book! It's a shame you feel you have had negative experiences but like others have said, clearly explaining how you feel is the best way. It would have been unlikely that the other midwives did not offer you pain relief because they were young and had not had children, more that there is a limit to what they can offer.

Hope it works out for you. A positive attitude can go a long way though, and looking for faults can mean you see issues which would not be there otherwise. Good luck!

I had 39 weeks of morning (ha ha) sickness and the midwifes were still reccomending ginger biscuits when I was about 32 weeks (could have slapped her!) but in hindsight I can see now that MS is a common symptom of pregnancy and you like I are one of the unlucky ones. As a repeat sufferer you will I'm sure know far more about what does and doesn't work for you to get you through it and the midwife doesn't have a magic want that makes it all go away (I wish they did). GP will give you anti sickness pills, I tried a few and they didn't improve me enough so I stopped taking them.
Homebirth wise I think you should look into the possibly of a doula, I think that she will be able to give you far more emotional support and you can build relationship before the birth. I didn't have one so no personal experience but I completely get wanting as much support as possible and that seems the most reliable way to get it to me.
Good luck with your pregnancy/birth and baby
PS: my only sickness help tip is pancakes (I had them for breakfast every day for 5-6 months!)

poocatcherchampion - thank you, I'll take the flowers

Sorry for the moaning, am really quite fed up - think that's coming across in my posts

I shouldn't moan, I know I should be grateful, I know other ladies have it worse (end up in hospital etc) but it feels like these last 4 months have been FOREVER. And there's still a long way to go, and a lot to go through.

Am I also allowed to be annoyed that I look 6 months pregnant, and have been asked when I'm due a few times already. It's not twins, just body done it before and my bump looks huge!

Thank you for this outlet to moan!!!!!!

acquiescence - yes I know, I'm being irrational and quite unlike how I usually am. I hate pre-judging for any reason, it really isn't me. You're right, a positive attitude goes a long way. I shall work on that

fredandme123 - oh no!! 39 weeks of sickness, and still being recommend ginger biscuits. You are right, as a sufferer before, you tend to work out what works best for you and how you cope. Thank you for the pancake tip, I actually am not retching at the thought of those, so I think it's off to the cupboard/fridge to check if we've got ingredients for pancakes (the kids will be pleased!). Thank you for the good wishes

Can I just ask where you (and PPs?) live that you are allocated one midwife who stays with you for all your appointments and the birth? Round here (London) you just go along to appointments and a random midwife will see you. And then other random midwives will be at the birth. Last time I think I saw maybe 9 or 10 different midwives, though completely by chance I did happen to see one lady twice. Then at the birth I had two midwives I'd never met before. I just can't get my head round your experience of knowing who your midwife is - or getting to try out a few and finding one you gel with! I wish that were the case here!

Hi Waxweasal - I used to live in London, and that was the case for my first pregnancy.

Second one (SW England) - I had an allocated midwife all through (bar holidays etc), but when you have a hospital birth you get random midwives anyway and due to shift changes, and how long you labour for - you could get many!

As far as I know, there is only 1 midwife who runs the appointments at my surgery, and if she is away, then another midwife covers from a different surgery. So even if I did want to change, I wouldn't be able to without changing doctors which is a bit extreme.

I was hoping to have a home birth and get to know midwife before hand so I know who would be with me. Having said that, I could get to know her, and then she might not be available when the time comes, so I think I just need to be flexible, and chill out about things now. My DH will be with me and will be my rock, he can fight any corners that need fighting and I've done it twice before, so I should be more confident in myself and be more positive

I'm still being sick at 34 weeks.

The mere mention of ginger biscuits sends me into a near homicidal rage.

waxweasel I live in Sweden. Maternity care here is amazing ... Same midwife all the way through, although you get who you get on delivery day of course! I've found it so much more joined up than UK care (not NHS bashing!)

If you need bloods/physio/the hospital etc it's all linked up and quick. I've been so, so impressed with it. I've found pregnancy much physically harder than I expected. I have spd, horrible sickness and now a couple of quite serious complications that are going to need an early c section. I suspect those complications may not have been picked up in another country, even, if I'm honest, the UK.

carrie there's always someone worse off - that doesn't mean you can't feel incredibly fed up! Pregnancy can be tough. I've certainly found it to be both an incredible experience, and much harder than I thought.

Skiptonlass - Sweden sounds fab!! Pregnancy is very very hard (from my POV anyway). So sorry that you've got complications that will mean an early CS, but so glad they've been picked up on. Very best of luck to you for your section, hope all goes well - not long until you meet your baby! x