What am I meant to be doing?

[EnchantedFire]

Good evening

I'm in tears as I write this as I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. After two years of trying, my husband and I found out two weeks ago today that we're pregnant. I'm currently 7 weeks along. We did six tests that afternoon, but still in disbelief we went into an out of hours NHS clinic just to hear it from someone else too.

We've told my dad and my husband's parents. I've stopped all alcohol, vaping and medication, avoiding the foods I'm meant to and adhering to the traditional advice. I've seen my doctor as I also came off my anti-depressants as soon as I found it, and he's referred me to the midwife to start the ball rolling and arrange the first scan.

But I feel so lost and don't know what I'm meant to be doing. We're not telling anyone until after the first scan and I'm feeling really alone. I feel like I ought to have been given leaflets, booklets, anything. I feel like I ought to be part of a process, but just nothing seems to be happening yet and I'm not sure what to do.

My mum passed away last summer and until we reach 12 weeks I can't talk to any friends about this. I'm an only child from a small family so I never grew up around children. We want and love this baby so much already, but I feel like I'll let it down as I just don't know what I'm meant to be doing. I don't know the difference between a travel system and a buggy. Reusable or disposable nappies? All the equipment and bits and pieces that new mums seem to cart around is a complete mystery to me. I feel like there was a whole syllabus of learning I was meant to subscribe to at some point as I grew up which I just didn't and now I feel like I'm drifting out at sea.

Where do I begin learning all this stuff? Is it normal to be feeling this way? When will I start making connections with other mums-to-be and forming some kind of support network?

I'm sorry for this, my first post, seeming so desperate but I didn't know where else to turn.

xx

Reading your message I feel like I am looking in a mirror so I had to comment.

I am currently nearly 6 weeks after a very long slog of trying and can completely relate to your anxiety and fear. The first 12 weeks to me feel like I'm pretending to be pregnant, not in the system of going to appointments, not able to talk to friends about your feelings and for me not wanting to offload onto my husband because I don't want him to be just as worried as I am!

I guess I had in my mind that finding out I was finally pg would be the happiest time of my life and don't get me wrong I am overjoyed but the overwhelming feeling is fear and wishing the weeks away until my scan when I hope it will all feel real!

I'm sorry if I'm not much help, I can't tell you to stop worrying because I'm sure like me you can't but just know that you're not alone in this and that others are feeling exactly the same way and just think in 30 something weeks a whole new world of worry starts when they come into the world!x

Thank you SilverGlitter, your post and thoughts are so kind. I was about to respond to your thread actually, as we seem to be in a similar situation in that respect too. I'm size 18/20 and 17st so have exactly the same worries about my weight potentially causing problems. I have lost 6 stone over the past couple of years so I am grateful for that, but do wish I had lost more. I'm going to stick to eating healthily and my doctor's agreed that I can swim daily and exercise lightly and if I happen to lose some more weight by healthy living (rather than fasting/crash dieting) then that won't harm baby.

Reassuring to know I'm not alone out there. Feel free to jump aboard my dinghy any time (although more challenging no doubt as we both get bigger!) xx

me three!

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Mums death so I am particularly snuffly. I'm 17 weeks now - it does get easier. I found the first part really frustrating, I felt ill, but strangely like I was also maybe making it all up.

The 12 weeks scan helped me a bit, as did the passing of morning sickness and being open about it with rest of family and friends. I had lost 3 stones to conceive and 4 years of trying - I guess having a lot of stress and some extra weight make it a bit tougher.

It's normal to be scared and wandering around here there are many, many posts a little bit like yours. I think you can give yourself permission to feel things, and make sure you and your other half keep talking. You don't need to buy things yet & would probably be better waiting for the New Year sales anyway. You will gradually pick up information & there really is no rush right now.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck x

Congratulations Enchanted, lovely news. How about buying the pregnancy book "what to expect when you're expecting"? It'll go through lots of things week by week, I visited babyandbump website with my first pregnancy and found lots of hints, tips and other mums to be in the same situation. Prams are such a big purchase, so go somewhere like mothercare and John Lewis to try them out and the staff will demo them for you. I was about your size with baby number 1 and heavier with baby number 2 so went on slimming world (got a consent form signed by my midwife) and managed not to gain any weight in pregnancy. First step is booking in appointment at 8-10 weeks and a scan at 12-13 weeks (or treat yourself to an early scan from about 7/8 weeks and pay privately - Groupon might have an offer for one local to you). Enjoy your pregnancy, get some comfy maternity clothes ready and a couple of baby magazines to read, oh and start taking your pregnancy vitamins and folic acid now!

The truth is, a lot of your pregnancy will feel like a bit of a mystery. I'm nearly 26 weeks with twins and still sometimes feel like I'm blindly navigating my way through this whole thing.

To start, get yourself a good book and download some apps. I like the Pregnancy+ app, which has daily articles as well as weekly updates on the development of your baby. Amazon is full of great books, but I know a lot of people like Pregnancy Week by Week.

When you get a bit further on, you can think about antenatal classes, which will hopefully answer some questions about labour and the early days. I'm starting NCT next week and weirdly feel like it's one of the things I need to make all this feel official.

I found equipment and travel systems and all the rest really daunting. Everyone will have an opinion about what you need and don't need, so don't be afraid to get the basics and then get more when the baby arrives. Our best move was going to Mamas and Papas (NOT Mothercare, which is shit). We explained our needs and lifestyle, and they showed us our pushchair options. We also went to an independent store where they had a few other brands. They were lovely and helpful at Mamas and Papas, and they also did a pretty good deal for us. They do personal shopping appointments, and will spend as long as you need helping you to explore the different systems.

I hope some of this is helpful. I know it can be stressful and isolating in those initial weeks, but soon your pregnancy will be all anyone wants to talk about!

Firstly- congratulations.

It can be really overwhelming can't it! The happiness, mixed with worry and disbelief! It'll settle after a few days, I spent about 2 weeks terrified something would happen but realised that it didn't matter how much I worried what would be would be and I should enjoy being pregnant whilst I was. Doesn't mean I never worried, just worried less.

After that pregnancy is actually pretty boring, you really don't do much - take your folic acid and prenatal vitamins (or just folic acid and vit d if you have a good diet). Book yourself in with the midwife for about 8 weeks and take it from there.

Good luck with it all!

Please start by going back on your antidepressants; if yours are deemed one of the 'high-risk' tablets then demand one of the 'safer' ones (I am using inverted commas as I strongly believe in the benefits of staying on your tablets during pregnancy...you will almost certainly need them afterwards and those several weeks of 'weaning' back onto them may be very, very difficult to manage with a new baby).

Becoming pregnant after a long and arduous ttc journey can be a mixed bag of emotions - including a strange and unexpected anti-climax. Please don't dwell on these thoughts and feelings; there is no right or wrong way to feel as your pregnancy progresses. Please don't worry, even the most 'prepared' parents-to-be will have emotional meltdowns during the pregnancy

Thank you ladies, for your patience, understanding, kindness and good humour. It's reassuring to hear that how I'm feeling is natural as, afterall, it's meant to be the most natural thing in the world ...... Daunting nonetheless!

I do hope things begin to normalise somewhat soon but it's lovely to know that there are good folk such as yourself here to chat to when it all gets too much.

Big love xx

It is a bit strange how 'unimportant' you can feel when you tell the doctor you're pregnant....then they send a midwife to see you weeks and weeks later. I think a lot of people feel that, and I imagine especially those who have been ttc for a long time. When I had my first child, I was barely out of my teens and I found that I really bonded with my pregnancy by buying a beautiful book with photographic images of the developing baby day by day. I subsequently shown this book to my other children in the early days of later pregnancies. It can feel very odd when you're not showing, you're not telling people and you have this massive 'secret', but hang on in there, a few more weeks and you'll be able to share! Good luck and congratulations!

I'm 18 wks and haven't got a clue!! So I'm reading everything I can get my hands on.

I've got what to expect when you are expecting, Lesley Regans book as well (can't remember name) plus Pregnancy & the modern girl which is quite lighthearted.

I also read mn religiously plus I buy the baby mags too

But you aren't alone!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I felt similar.

Still feeling daunted by it all and only have two weeks to go! It's very real now (my worries are mostly focused on the birth part now... and getting the house in order), but I do remember being very anxious at first about everything.

I had a couple of scares early on and had to have early scans, which were reassuring, but also addictive. I kind of lived for the early scans... they become a bit of a drug for me - getting to see my baby, knowing it was ok. I even bought a Doppler machine (which I do not recommend) which I became completely obsessed over. If I didn't hear the heartbeat every day (sometimes twice a day) I would get tearful and stressed. In the end my dh hid it from me.

All I can say, is it gets better once you start to feel the baby moving. I got movement fairly early on (though I do wonder if the early movements were all in my head) at around 15-16 weeks. Once that happens it's easier to compute that there's a baby inside of you! Before, I kind of felt in limbo land.

I told my family fairly early on, but no one else until after the 12 week scan. I did find that once acquaintances were told (work colleagues etc) I felt a bit like public property. Everyone has an opinion, and everyone (even people you've never really spoken to before) will start talking about your body as though it's ok to pass judgement about your size etc. Some will say your bump is massive, some will say it's tiny. One person even told me I didn't look pregnant, just fat! Which wasn't very tactful!! I felt awful about my body for weeks, though looking back I can see that my bump was tiny - almost non-existent compared to the giant baby bump I'm now waddling around with!

I don't know what the future will bring - I know I'll have a baby soon, but in some senses it still doesn't feel real. I try to imagine holding the baby and being a mum - projecting forwards a year, two years, five.... six etc... it's hard to see myself as a responsible adult with dc! I know this is absolutely what I want - I've wanted a baby for three years! I just don't really know how to be a mum. I expect I will learn on the job.

How much support will you get from your family? My mum is very hands-on with my nephew, and I know is relishing the chance to help me with my LO. My MiL is also looking forward to it. They're both retired, so I'm sure we'll have some great times together while I'm on mat leave with the new baby. My dh is looking forward to helping me too (as he should) during night feeds/changes (though I plan on bfing so will probably do the lion's share initially). I think having a good support network will be helpful.

P.S. sorry for the essay!

Oh love, this is normal, I promise. I felt exactly like you! I promise it gets easier. Mumsnet became my bible! With every passing week you will know alot more than you did the week before- and do keep posting on here. Its wonderful and you get so much support from the lovely vipers parents on here :)

I've had some of those feelings too, it definitely gets more real as you have the first scan and start to get a bump. It's very hard without your mum, I'm in the same boat and nothing can replace the yearning to just shoot the breeze with her and ask her all about her being pregnant with you. Why don't you tell a few close friends? You obviously need someone to talk too. And if you had a MC you would need some support from friends too. Have a think about telling at least one close friend. I did and don't regret it.

Congratulations EnchantedFire!

I felt similar feelings when I found out I was pregnant as well. I'm 17 weeks now and it still feels a bit 'unreal'. Luckily, mother nature gives most of us around 40 weeks to get used to the idea, and therefore plenty of time to learn what travel systems are, the benefits of one type of nappy over another, what breastfeeding is all about etc etc. The NHS offers free antenatal classes and you'll get regular midwife checks where you can ask any questions (no matter how silly you think they are!).

Another thing I'd recommend is seeking out fellow ladies at a similar stage as yourself. If you are around 7 weeks then you must be due in April next year? There's an April antenatal group here on mumsnet - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2458713-April-2016-babies-Nausea-bloating-and-wind-feeling-HOT

Best of luck with your pregnancy

Didn't want to read and run......massive congrats on your BFP are your long TTC journey...... it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by everything and the realisation that your long awaited dream is becoming a reality. Pregnancy hormones are a rollercoaster, so go easy on yourself. Take one day at a time :)

You'll get loads of info at your booking in appointment, hopefully you won't have to wait too long for that.......we're all here all the hours of the day and night to answer questions...... I found the mumsnet support network invaluable.

Talk to your doctor about your medications, I'm "allowed" to be on 10mg anti-d's because I am deemed high risk enough.

best wishes

Congratulations!

It does feel strange that noting happens at start of pregnancy but after one successful pregnancy and one difficult and unsuccessful one I now realise less appointments mean everything is low risk and going ok - which is what I hope for this time.

At booking in appointment - which is mainly admin - you should get leaflets etc and a form to get free prescriptions. It is then a wait until 12 week scan ( that happens at end of 11 weeks until end of 13 weeks usually), then back to midwife at 16 weeks and then 20 week scan, then midwife again at 24 weeks. Well that is the usual for first pregnancy where I live. And if scans go well. So hope you get some reassurance at first midwife appointment and all goes well for you.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and kindness. I did read it all through yesterday but was too emotional to respond. Our support network will be limited as my family consists pretty much just of my father who doesn't live in the UK and none of my husband's family live in our town; closest about 90 minutes away. Hence hoping to try and meet others in my situation once it's all formalised and confirmed and I'm in "the system".

So lovely to see so many lovely ladies on here though, thank you. Much love. x

Oh my! Please tell your closest friends. The reason they say "don't announce widely until 12 weeks" is because of the risk of miscarriage, but surely you have some friends you are close enough to that you'd want them to be with you even if that ended up being your experience. I had two MCs 5 and 6 years ago--the first one, I'd told a lot of people, the second I had told NO ONE, literally not even my DH. I felt much worse after the second MC, because I felt like I'd been the only one to know, like it hadn't even been real. My grief was much harder to get through.

This isn't to say you'll miscarry, of course! Your pregnancy is much more likely to be healthy and normal than it is to be abnormal. Just...don't follow that "don't tell anyone" advice unless you don't want ANY support if the worst were to happen.

I felt the exact same way for the first few weeks of knowing. Anxiety was worse than ever, felt depressed, didn't know how I could go to work anymore....it is still not great but am starting to feel a bit better as I the days go on. You will be ok - once I started telling a few people I did feel a bit better about the whole situation. Of course I still have my moments, I am a nervous wreck half the time...but like your post said, what am I supposed to be doing? Whatever you need to, some nights after work I don't do ANYTHING, some nights I soak in the tub for a long time, and occasionally I muster up the energy to take my dog for a walk. Do what ever you feel like that day and don't feel pressure to act or feel any certain way. Its normal to feel lost, sad, happy... all at once.

:) I think the fact that you wrote this post and acknowledged how you are feeling is a great way to start dealing with your emotions, you will be just fine! xx wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy