stillborn

[mhayes12]

my friend has just delivered a stillborn baby at 5.5 months. I want to let her know i'm thinking of her but don't know what is appropriate to send to her?

Your poor friend. I'd send her a sympathy card, naming the child if ry have announced his/her name.

But I must say this is a pretty awful thread to put in pregnancy. And an even more terrible title. Think about the pregnant mothers who follow threads in this topic. I'd ask MN to change it if I were you (although they might be pretty busy).

There's a bereavement and loss topic - pregnancy is not the place

But I would just send a card to let them know you're thinking of them

I had a stillbirth of twins in 2012. It is horrific. And It is soooo very hard for everyone involved. The best thing (I found - it could be completely different with your friend and you know her best) to do is to send flowers with a note saying that you'll be there - whenever needed and that you're thinking of them all x also, Do not dismiss the baby In any cards you send. I found it galling when people didn't recognise them as being part of our life. Don't send text messages/pm unless she does it first. Be patient with her. Go at her pace. (and of course her partner) x I wish you peace

S.a.n.ds (the stillbirth and neonatal death charity) is excellent and I would recommend giving them a visit. They helped me loads. Also the bereavement sections on mn are infallible. X

I think it's a bit harsh to criticise the poster for the topic and title. Sadly some babies are stillborn, and it's something that is still a massive taboo, mostly due to people feeling awkward about it and not knowing what to say so choosing to to ignore it.
I have no issue with it being on this board. Neither do I have issues with discussing miscarriage nor TFMR, as these are all very valid and real parts of pregnancy journeys too. Not everyone is blessed with a carefree joyous 9 months, and they certainly should not be shamed for discussing it on an open forum.
I think it's wonderful you're being so thoughtful mhayes, she will be needing a good friend more than ever at the moment.
A thoughtfully written card would be lovely and even offering to bring over a home cooked meal for her freezer (I found it very hard to deal with practical things like cooking when I suffered my losses).
Just let her know you're there for her.

I agree sizethree x 100% x

I can't speak from experience but maybe cook her some meals she can put in her freezer and microwave as and when she needs it. Does she have other children? Could you take them out for a bit to give her space.

To the PP who want this moved not to upset others. Get your heads out of your asses you disgusting people. Stillbirths happen and I can guarantee they upset the parents a hell of a lot more than they upset you idiots.
This topic should be discussed because it tragically could happen to anyone on this board. Those it does unfortunately happen to need to know that they are supported by everyone.
If you are of such a sensitive disposition then maybe you should get off the internet.

What sizethree and taylor said. The OP is someone wanting to be a good friend to someone who has been through a terrible thing. I think those of us who have not suffered the same fate can cope with seeing the title. We haven't had to go through it. And I think it mean-spirited to criticise the OP so aggressively.

OP - I've had many miscarriages and found one of the most difficult things was the lack of acknowledgement that they involved a loss, so I can only imagine how much more so that must be felt when the loss happens at a later stage. So tell her you are thinking of her at this awful time. Take your lead from her - everyone approaches this differently. A friend lost two babies around the 20-week mark, did not name them (or did not tell others their names) and always referred to the losses as miscarriages - that was her way. Others will want people to know who their baby was. Listen to her and take your cues from her.

My twin sister had a stillborn baby three years ago.

I got her a pendant with the baby's birthstone in. She still wears it. Not sure if this is too personal from a friend though rather than a sister?

Flowers are good, as is acknowledging the baby's name (if you know it) in any cards you send.

Just being there and listening to her will be enormously helpful. I don't think you need to give anything really, except your time, empathy and compassion.

Oh and BTW - I'm 36 weeks pregnant and even after suffering this bereavement within my family (and very close family member too... identical twin) I can read this thread without getting "upset".

You sound like a good friend op.

I've had several mcs and for me the "lack of acknowledgment" was the worst.

A card and maybe some flowers mentioning the baby's name would be lovely and very thoughtful.

Why is this an inappropriate topic for a pregnancy forum? Unfortunately, stillbirths happen as an end result of pregnancy. People like you are a disgrace, wanting to hide it away, like you want to hide away these babies and their parents. Maybe this might remind someone to keep an eye out on their foetal movements??

Anyway, I had a stillbirth last year (and I'm pregnant again) - I appreciated it when people got in touch and acknowledged the birth of our son and sent their condolences and called him by his name. Some people sent a wishy-washy message and then disappeared off the face of the planet. Don't be that person!

I'm probably not making any sense because I feel so angry!

god your poor friend and the poor ladies who've been through it, it's my absolute worst nightmare and I can't begin to imagine how tragic it must be - I'm so sorry.

i have some experience of grief as i lost my mum a few years ago, and it's definitely worse when people don't acknowledge it. i wasn't sad/cross for me, it was for her; it was as if she just didn't exist any more, and i think the same applies just as much to a little baby that never got the chance to be here for long. even saying, "i just don't know what to say" means a lot, as it shows you are thinking of them.

i would send a flowers or chocolates and a card, saying you are so sorry, can't stop thinking about her, and to let you know whenever she feels up to a chat, a hug, a meet-up etc. and keep in touch gently and non-intrusively, just a text or an email from time to time that she can ignore if she's not ready, but that will let her know you are still thinking of her.

thanks for all the advice ladies - i think I will definitely send a card and flowers to show I'm thinking of her but not text/email a lot and let her take it at her own pace.

I'm very sorry for offending some of you by posting it on the pregnancy thread - I'm quite new to MN and I've since posted on the bereavement page.

I think a card or note is a nice idea - try to find out what they called the baby so you can acknowledge him/her directly.

When someone I know (not a close friend, more of an acquaintance) had a stillbirth a few years ago I sent her a note of condolence and made a donation in the baby's name to SANDS.

Can I be the voice of dissent here and suggest that you don't send flowers? They have a short lifespan and she will quite probably receive quite a lot. Nothing more depressing than a houseful of wilting blooms.

I would second what a previous poster suggested, and send a card, maybe make them a meal for the freezer, and make a donation to SANDS in the baby's name.