Just not sure :-(

[notsure132]

Hello there

I hope I'm adding this to the right thread.

I am 34 and my partner is 40. We don't have any children and, as you can see, time isn't really on our side. So...this year, we've made plans to start trying for a baby.

I love my partner more than anyone. I also love our life together in that we do whatever we want...whenever we want. We are a very 'young' couple and financially stable as we both work full time but with lots of flexibility to allow us a good work/life balance. We holiday...get up when we want...snooze when we want....Visit wherever, whenever we want. We are very active and love working out together. We will often go for late night walks together or just randomly go out late. Thank God, we have been blessed with a perfect life which I am so grateful for.

My problem is this.....We really need to start thinking about a child due to our ages. But...I feel terrible when I say this....a child would mean giving up our lifestyle which I love so much. I am so guilty for these thoughts as I believe we should create life. I just feel so reluctant to give up everything! :'(

All I can think about is shallow and selfish things such as....well we won't be able to gym together. I will ruin my body and lady area! We won't be able to do what we love on the weekends such as lying in until 9 am, lazying around with each other in the morning, going out to the gym together, snoozing with each other when we get back followed by our amazing dinner and film/reading/a million other things.

I'm really feeling a bit scared that a baby will ruin everything and affect our relationship as it's just been us. I wish we could have several more years left of this but...well...at 34 I guess I don't have the time left.

We discussed this again tonight and I was saying that I don't want to ruin our life together and he was of the opinion that we can't keep putting it off. He's a psychologist with an interest in child development so he is so looking forward to raising a child.

Also......another shallow thing to say is....We both enjoy taking pride in our appearance and there is such a deep attraction between us. I am worried that a baby will have an impact on my body and weight and also.....sorry TMI...how it may feel down there after a child.

I am so sorry if I have upset anyone with my selfish thoughts.

If anyone could help with some thoughts or could answer any of these questions if I haven't annoyed you too much, I would greatly appreciate it. I have asked Mums around me and they're response is very dismissive - you'll be fine. None of that matters. Just do it etc etc

How hard has it been for you to have a child?
Did it affect your relationship?
Are things very different in terms of your body? What about in the lady area after birth? Is sex ruined forever?!
I know some mums at work who say they put on a lot of weight when pregnant and since they have never been able to lose it. Is that true?! That's a rather terrifying thought! I'm already a stone overweight but have maintained at this weight with a lot of heavy weight lifting and calorie control so I can keep parts of my figure rounded as I prefer a shapely figure to slim on myself. We spoke tonight that I would reduce my weight now to make room for baby weight but the thought of what has happened to the other Mums I have spoken to in terms of them never being able to shift their weight since a baby is scary. Is that really true?!
Is it really a case of no sleep for months?
How hard was it having a baby and giving up your whole life?

You know....i'm so emotional right now I think I'd better leave it there and also out of fear about upsetting anyone with my selfishness.

Thank you so much xxxxx

How are you doing today OP? Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Hello All

Goodness me....this must be the most supportive forum on the entire Internet. I am so grateful for everyone sharing their opinions, thoughts and experiences. I really cannot tell you just how much this means to me!!

As mentioned....Most Mums I have spoken to have been quite dismissive in their approach but I feel so much better now I have spoken to some Mums or Mums to be or ladies without children.

Thank you from the bottom on my heart!

I am feeling loads better. Yesterday...I worked from home and when my partner came in I complained that work had been stressful that day. His reply was, 'well don't worry about that because, hopefully, you'll be a Mommy soon so can have some time off!'. That was a heart stopping moment again....But....maybe it's the support from this forum that it didn't last too long :-) But....He feels it is very important for a child to have access to a parent all the time in the early years rather than having a baby in nursery and both parents going back to work. So he reminded me of that and I replied....well....why can't you stay at home instead of me? :-) So, having a baby would mean me giving up work for a bit too which I do feel very reluctant about! I mean...He feels a parent needs to be with them all the time until school, obviously with breaks for socialising at nursery and stuff but he doesn't like the idea of me working when the baby needs me. His sister put her 12 week year old in nursery and went back to work full tine and he always grumbles about that!

I also feel I just don't like change and, although I really have embraced it when it's come along, this time and for this its such a challenge.

I don't think I am ready 100% yet at all. But I feel it is likely that I will go ahead and try for a baby once I have reduced my weight a bit more and accessed some therapy. I spoke to him about therapy as suggested on here and he thought it was a wonderful idea so it's something I will look at.

I love my partner more than anything...He has offered reassurances many times about support and, I guess with his job, he can sort me out with some guidance on parenting (although I am really hoping some skills will just magically appear as right now I feel they could do with some improvement already!) :-)
Again....I can't thank you enough for you sharing your experiences. It really means a great deal. That was my first post and I never expected so much support!

Mumsnet should be very proud of its members.

Thank you so much!

XxxxX

I wouldn't be happy if DH expected me to stay home with kids until they were school age. I find it interesting when men say it's "very important for someone to be home" when they really mean "wifey be prepared to stay home."

Glad you came back. I would not be happy about his assumption that you would give up work.
You sound like you are going along with it all to please him? I'm pleased you are going for council long. After you have unpicked your feelings on it all, you need to have a conversation about expectations as parents. There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum, equally there's nothing wrong with having baby in nursery. You just need to be happy with that decision.

Blumming phone!!! Counselling!

Really glad you found some support, and more importantly that you'll be going for counselling, it sounds like that could be enormously helpful!

Once again, please don't be pushed into this - any of this. And in the nicest possible way, stop thinking of your DH as the fount of all knowledge on these things ... For one thing, he doesn't get final say just because he's someone who works professionally with kids. Raising them is different from watching someone else raise them and tutting away. He doesn't sound terribly understanding, and he might have practical knowledge you don't yet, but one day all your instincts might fight against his theories and you could be in for a hell of a ride. Might be worth reading childcare books/watching tutorial videos/seeing how you feel about things before they happen to you too.

Also I really hate to say it, but if as a child psychologist he can just dismiss working mums like that, it makes me worry a bit more. I do kind of get where he's coming from, and I know it's easy to misread things over the internet, but I know plenty of kids who have grown up just fine from childcare, including me. You might want to some research into that too so you can have an informed discussion. Also assuming that you'll give up work is a big assumption to make. Ideally he should be supportive of your decision either way. You are more than just his wife and potential mum of his kids; you're a person with the right to keep a job and potentially support yourself one day, whether for your own satisfaction or in case anything bad one day happened to him or your relationship.

Really hope the counselling is helpful for all this. From everything I've ever read on Mumsnet and seen in real life, the biggest thing you can give to your child (aside from love) is a stable happy relationship which will be their model for life. It will affect them more than almost anything you do or say - so if you do have a pattern of slight bullying, that could come back to haunt you both one day in your child's choices.

Anyway, sounds like you two are at least talking now and you're putting your foot down - good for you! That assertiveness is how you'll be a good mum one day. Hope it all goes well for you

I felt a bit like you, but also felt sick at the thought of not having a child, and I'm not sure you're feeling that way at the moment. I'm a psychologist by background and can assure you all the fascination/studies in the world in child psychology won't necessarily prepare your DH for fatherhood either. It sounds like he is coaching you in preparedness for having a kid, while perhaps he's not completely au fait with it too.

Gym - you can still go.
Lady bits - yes, they may hurt for a bit, but as someone else said, people have multiple children so they do stay intact
Social life, late night walks - mine changed a lot, and I also miss shoestring longhaul travel, but I know others who continued just fine
Sleep - yes, you'll probably miss this, but I wouldn't swap a lie-in for my dd

Hope whatever you decide, it makes you really happy. You don't sound a selfish person at all - you sound a very thoughtful and considered person, who wants to balance her dh's happiness with her own needs.

Your partner sounds a bit... something. Self-righteous. Opinionated.
If he feels that a parent 'should' be at home until the child reaches school age then it is his responsibility as much as yours. More so if you life the idea of having some childcare.
You sound like you don't want a baby. Do NOT have one just because he wants one. Because you're right. No more lie ins, spontaneous nights out, spontaneous sex. You will be sacrificing the lifestyle you love.

Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful and worth it- but not if its not what you want.

Your partner seems to have a lot of opinions when he clearly hasn't got a clue. Have an honest conversation asap.