Me again [blush]: rational hand holding and reassurance / advice please

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Hi everyone,
Usual mentalist nonsense I'm afraid, hugely grateful for any cam reassurance.
Had good weekend at friend's wedding with only minor wobbles. Few things wanted to see what you guys thought about.
One, anxiety worst at key points either morning or if been apart from dh too long, if tired or if too stretched or u stretched: basically if well rested and busyish with lots of time with dh generally ok to tense but not actively panicking or tipping into really dark. all the studies I've read about neurodevelopmental problems caused by stress in pregnancy point to chronic and severe stress: am I naively optimistic to hope that being a bit on edge most of the time with the odd genuinely good time mixed in with quite a few worse times wouldn't be this? Psychiatrist said impossible to know conclusively at this stage in research what level stress damaging but as have not been in hurricane, moved country, had anyone die etc is it fair to think risk of harm small?
Two, psychiatrist said risk of harm from stress we can see in current research tiny if existent. Friends in stats including here reassured me this means less than 1% increase in risk. Am terrified if child born with problems dh will fairly blame me but he says he won't and also that shouldn't blame self as such a small risk unlikely to cause problems on its own - does this sound right?
Finally. Is it best to be optimistic that somehow baby spared any harm or stay super vigilant so can get him help ASAP if needed also to insure self against total breakdown if manage to allow self to be hopeful only to see ultimately have caused him huge problems and am overcome with guilt - what do you think?
Thanks so much for help and support already, mumsnet really is superb and I love you all.
Me
Xxxxx

I'd be optimistic - the chances of anything happening are tiny tiny tiny and people has healthy babies born in concentration camps who would have had huge amounts of stress. What you don't want to do is seen things that aren't there.

I've been following your threads; you're doing amazingly well

Thanks so much pottering! One other positive thought I had I'd love to run past mn collective wisdom is that if stress were a huge or even significant cause of schizophrenia or depression or asd in kids we'd be more likely to know as there are studies done on birth cohorts etc and in the government or pharma companies interests to find out to save / make money in providing care?

I know it's been said before, but I think it's worth repeating. There are 'studies' out there to support or refute just about everything. The trick is knowing how to judge them by understanding the research and data behind them. Without being a doctor or a scientist, it's really hard to do this. It's really hard to know which studies are reputable and which are not. I think you need to step away from the Internet .

Also, there's stress and there's stress. An entire generation was conceived and born during the blitz. They are not a generation of schizophrenics or depressives. I really don't think you have anything to worry about.

I have worked in pharma companies and know all about the studies commissioned. Trust me when I say you can get them to say what you want. It's never just a case of the data.

I think you need to recognise that it is your anxiety talking and your Internet searches are just feeding it.

You are doing really well. Remember that insecurity can be a normal part of pregnancy too, so it's understandable that you want to be near DH.

Keep posting

This is so reassuring from you both, thank you! Am actually being good on googling, just stuff I remember from when I was bad :) so consensus is: at this point should be optimistic rather than anything else? One thing had never realised is wider history of psychiatric issues is family than knew before - came out in talk with mum. Fair amount of depression, some quite serious, anxiety and self medication with drugs leading to addiction etc but impossible to know what genetic and what product of upbringing, quite a lot of sadness in some parts of family and think latter strong possibility.

Definitely be optimistic! I've got a 3 year old and an almost 1 year old - quite often optimism is all I have

:) you're so lovely. Weirdly, things seem to be bit better as having to go back into work as a level results last week and GCSEs this Thursday. Some fab some poor as ever but head of sixth form so need to be on form to provide much needed guidance and fact that have to be ok to make sure they are somehow means, even if inside am mess, can keep it together on outside and that somehow really helps. Never thought I'd appreciate exam results season! :). So optimistic. Good. Got to stick with this.

Yes be optimistic! The kind of stress you are experiencing is not comparable to those undergoing severe trauma, displacement, etc. You're just really good at worrying. Anxiety is a normal emotion, and emotions as experienced by a pregnant woman are not harmful to babies unless severe and prolonged. And by severe, I mean severe. Not your level. And anyway why are you on here reassurance seeking when you could be having a nice relaxing walk, meditating, or distracting yourself?!

I think it's very unlikely that stress/anxiety etc cause problems for unborn babies.

Two years ago, my sister was pregnant with my nephew. During her pregnancy our dad was diagnosed with cancer, and died about six months before my nephew was born. My nephew is perfect (well, he's a little horror at times, but perfectly normal! ) I don't know how my sister coped with the stress during her pregnancy. She's a teacher too, and as dad was ill during the summer holiday she used to travel around 300 miles between her home and mum and dad's, to look after them both (mum needed emotional support) for the week, then travel back for commitments back at her home. It was really really stressful for her.

But, like I say, baby was/is fine!

I hope you can be optimistic. Whatever the future holds, you and your dh (he sounds super supportive and one in a million) will be able to cope with it as a team.

I wish there was something I could do to help, but I don't know how to and I hope my story hasn't upset you. I just wanted to share with you a situation where a pregnant woman had definitely gone through stress, heartache and grief during pregnancy and the baby turned out to be perfect (though obviously I'm besotted with the lad and am very biased!) Seriously though, he has no health or development problems whatsoever.

Sorry, dad died six weeks before nephew was born not six months!

Covered - took your advice and went to local for pub supper, excellent point! Arv - so
Sorry about that story and thanks for sharing. Am genuinely generally feeling much calmer than have for while, really appreciate your support.

Last bump though - reckon my point that if stress significant factor in causing problems we'd know plausible? X

Sleepless hello again and well done, you are doing so well.

I think you would need to be experiencing a great deal more stress for it to even reach your baby, and in a way you're right, if it was more likely to cause problems, we'd have all heard a lot more about it.

Given that it's really normal for women to feel extra anxious during pregnancy, a lot of what you're feeling is "normal" and therefore nothing to worry about. Does it help to hear that I and some of my pg friends have really felt the need to be around our dps at the moment? For me it's an almost irresistible need, I don't want to be away from him at all. I know it's the pg hormones, I'm not normally like that. I'm worried if I'm away from him for too long!

Wonderful that you have been able to sit back and look at the patterns in your worrying, this is a really key step and such a difference to when it felt so crushingly overpowering before.

Also, I'm pleased to hear you had a good time at the wedding .

And do keep popping back on here whenever you need us xxxx

Thank you - that means a lot, really reassuring - love mumsnet xxx

How are you doing today, sleepless?

Thank you all so much - hugely appreciate this - thanks especially for sharing your story Mrs De Vere, you sound like a total hero. Still feeling calmish, thanks ARV1981, you're so kind to ask. Feeling like a burk really as went on AIBU with same concerns again as feeling wobbly and then everyone pointed out wasn;t helpful and now feel irresponsible and silly. Just really, really trying to manage all this and most of the time I am but sometimes feel am not. Dear mate who is doc says psych right and risk of harm from all this small as to be meaningless so holding on to that!!!! Thanks everyone :)

Sleepless please keep coming back here, and I would stay away from AIBU, you won't always get a sympathetic response there. Glad to hear you are having a calm morning after your anxious ones.

When I was ill, I used to "count my blessings" and write down 3-5 things every day to be glad about. You might find it helpful to do that, and to have some staple mantras to use when it all seems a bit bleak, like "Psych is confident risk is meaningless" and all those thoughts you've posted on here in the last week of a similar ilk. The one I held onto was that every medical professional I met assured me that one day I would feel better. So hard to believe at the time, but as they all with no exceptions said it, I felt at least part of me had to believe it. They were right!

MrsDV so so sorry to hear about your loss and stress, and glad to hear your bundles of joy are well.

Thanks you blackandwhite, that sounds helpful - especially that bit about one day all this will feel better!! Mrs DV - what's your secret to holding things together so well?! xxx

It will Sleepless, I promise!

This may also be helpful - all those people you see who you think are totally calm, together and organised - well, think of swans: gracefully gliding across the water, whilst frantically paddling like mad underneath. Everyone does it. No-one copes ALL the time. All have different challenges and different levels of support. Luckily you've looked for more support and reached out and taken it, it's the way forward

All you have to do is keep breathing.