Dealing with when you are pregnant and your friend is not?

[zazas]

Has anyone been in this situation... I am 20 weeks pregnant wih my third and one of my closest friends has just gone through failed IVF for the third time. Between IVF and misscarriages she has had a rough time and now at 43 has stopped trying for a baby. She is dealing with it well and we have talked at length about it but I know that she finds it difficult to cope with my pregnancy. I try to not mention much about it but as I 'grow' and the weeks pass by it obviously is very much part of my life and hard for me to ignore. I hate to upset her but at the same time find it difficult to down play my pregnancy completely. How do I get the balance right as we are in constant communication and I worry that I will upset her through been unthoughtful.....

This is a really hard situation, and I don't think there's much you can do except be sensitive (which you obviously are already) and not bang on about the pregnancy all the time. But you're right, it is very much an important part of your life and you can't just pretend it's not happening, especially as you near the end and prepare for the birth.

I've been in this situation myself and I think a lot depends on your friend's attitude. One friend of mine who'd had 2 failed IVF attempts was, to my surprise, happy to ask me questions about my pregnancy and took a real interest, and invited me and my dh and baby to her house for lunch soon after the baby was born. I'm not sure I could have done that in her situation.

Another friend who'd had several failed IVF attempts was clearly gutted by my pregnancy, couldn't even bring herself to say congratulations or smile when I told her, and avoided me throughout the pregnancy. If this happens, I think you just have to respect the person's feelings and nothing you can do or say will make much difference.

zazas - I have been in your friend's position with my best friend (although not as severe as your friend thank goodness). I was fine with her having her first baby but when she was on to her second I got a bit sad and jealous. If your friend is like I was she will feel sad seeing you pregnant and your new baby but she won't blame you.

If she keeps contacting you then I think you can feel comfortable you are getting the balance right. If she pulls back then perhaps you could do some purely girly things with her - out to the movies tog or something, without kids or pg being an issue? Good luck.

Thanks TuttiFrutti - I know that it is not me per se that is upsetting her but the horrible situation she has found herself in. She is actually dealing with everything well but i find myself having to constantly check that I haven't said too much. Of course I am slightly over emotional at the moment so sometimes find I have to really check myself that I am not saying the 'wrong' thing. It was actually harder earlier on when I moaned about being so sick when of course that is all that she wanted to be. Aaaah it is so unfair though when I have been so lucky and she has struggled so much.

I lost a friend through this same situation - although she had several abortions which left her unable to conceive. I felt I had to tiptoe round her but eventually found that she was v. unspoportoive when I became ill so had to put my priorities first and I never heard from here again. I have felt guilty about this ever since though.

zazas - I have been on the other side of this too (although I'm PG now ).

It's probably best to take the lead from her.

I wasn't exactly jealous of my friend, just sad that I wasn't in her position. Also, when her babies were born, they were so obviously a mixture of her and her DH that I didn't feel jealous then either.

I wanted my babies, not hers.

You sound like a sensitive friend - you wouldn't have posted this question if you weren't - and if you've already got 2 children and she still wants to be around you then there's probably nothing for you to worry about.

Thank you all for your posts. You are right Booboobedoo, she is a wonderful support to me and my two kids already - this one is just harder for her to deal with. I guess we are bumbling along together being as supportive to each other as we can under difficult circumstances. Do wish it wasn't like this for her though

what a good friend you are zazas! I agree with theothers that you should take your lead from here - it's difficult though. I have been in this situation from both sides as well and remembering how hard it was for me when my sister didn't speak to me for the whole of my first pregnancy and wouldn't let her daughter see me either I really tried to make an effort when my friend had her baby after my miscarriage. It was very hard but not her fault that I had a miscarriage.

Hi,

I ''ttc''ed for 3 long years and my best friend fell pregnant so easily. I can honestly say that the best she could have done for me, was to include me, I would have hated for her, to have check what she said in front of me etc.
I am now pregnant and have since told her I appreciated all her support, never asking awkward questions, eg Any luck this month etc.... and never judging.
I love her two children very much and look forward to her getting to know my baby (due next March)

Love Tallie xx