Unhappy Marriage & Pregnant

[ann4891]

I am pregnant and I am in an unhappy marriage. My husband is one of the most difficult people to get along with. He shouts frequently, is controlling, and can be very mean. He didn't want me telling anyone about the pregnancy yet (I'm in the first trimester). I secretly told my sister-in-law and best friend because I wanted to speak to another woman about what I was going through and also because I wanted to share the news with my best friend. When he found out, he freaked out and started yelling at me and slammed the door.

A few weeks ago, I found an injured bird, brought her home to care for her. I put the bird in a box and I was about to call a bird sanctuary to see if I could bring her there. He stormed in the room, ripped the box out of my hand, and repeatedly yelled "this rodent is going outside" (not sure why he referred to the bird as a rodent). He literally threw the box outside with the injured bird in the box. I ran after the box and saw the bird hanging upside down from her foot. He was angry because he said the bird could be dangerous for the baby.

A few weeks ago, I was trying to get into my bedroom and he wasn't allowing me to enter. My knee was between the door and he slammed the door on my knee. My knee was getting caught in the door so I asked him to open the door, but he continued to close the door on my knee. I had a huge bruise the size of an apple for several days after that.

A few months ago, we got into a big fight because he wanted me to take money off of my line of credit to pay off his credit card. I said no and I went to leave to go for a drive to clear my head. On my way out the door, he yelled and cursed at me, and threw a binder in front of me. When I took the car, he sent me a message saying "if you're not back in 5 minutes, I'm calling the police." He did end up calling the police. I went home and they arrived, completely confused as to why he called the police when I took the car. They asked me if everything was alright and left.

He also continues to message his ex-girlfriend behind my back, telling her about our personal stuff. I ask him to stop but he says she is married and he's not doing anything wrong and he's not going to end a platonic friendship over me. He also said she treats him better than I treat him.

He never apologizes for anything. He says everything is my fault and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this should be a happy time for us as we'll be first time parents, but I am not happy very often.

He's not all bad. He does not good qualities, but I don't know if I can handle the bad times anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I often cry and I feel like I'm stuck in a really bad situation. I now am pregnant and don't want to expose a child to this kind of environment. I want him to change, but I am not sure how that will happen.

I am a lot older than you and have seen a lot.

In your situation, with the benefit of hindsight, I would say terminate your pregnancy and leave him. He is abusive and will get worse. You will be physically hit and assaulted sooner rather than later.

If you do not terminate your pregnancy, you are potentially tied to him forever.

You can change the pregnancy. But make no mistake - you CANNOT change him. He will be just like this, getting worse and worse until the day you leave him (or whatever alternative there is). And then you will have saddled a child with this as a father too.

If you were my daughter I would want you to go to a clinic, have a termination, move back in with me and never see him again. Then your whole life would be before you - how nice would that be?

I know from threads on here how unlikely you are to take this advice. But at the least, the next time the police show up, don't tell them everything is alright. It isn't. you are living with a dangerous edgy man who wants to control you.

And remember - good qualities aren't important in a partner (my mother gave me this advice). It is the bad ones that will determine the course of your life. You don't have to have your one and only life determined by some inadequate damaged man's bad qualities.

People don't change unless they want to. You don't need to bring a child into this toxic relationship. You have several options. You could leave him, and enter into parenthood alone. This is more do-able than it sounds, and probably easier than entering parenthood in an abusive relationship. Or you could leave him and have a termination. Start your life again. Or you could stay, have the baby and hope he changes. But he won't. He will escalate the abuse and your life will become more difficult. Your child will have a very poor start in life if you stay with this man.

If you ask for the thread to be moved into the relationships section, you will get some excellent advice there.

My heart goes out to you. I was pregnant and in an unhappy relationship too and my ex partner moved out when I was about 20 wks pregnant. Your husband sounds frightening if I'm honest. What you wrote about him slamming the door on your knee really worries me as this was an act of violence. I think you need help and would suggest that you call the Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, in private, without telling him. I understand how unhappy you must be right now, but it doesn't have to be like this. You don't have to stay in this situation, you can change your life. As to the baby, if you want to keep your baby then you should do so and not feel pressured into an abortion if it isn't what you want. Bringing up a baby alone is hard, but its manageable. My baby is now 4 wks and I do get tired, but it's also amazing and the love I feel for my daughter makes it all worth it.

You sound like a really lovely person (what you did for the bird shows how caring you are) and you deserve to be happy. You say you want your husband to change, but sadly I don't think he will. He doesn't sound like a very nice man at all in my opinion.

I hope things get better for you really soon.

Sarah xxx

In terms of your pregnancy you have to decide what's right for you. In terms of your relationship you need to do some damage control by leaving this man. I agree with canyoyforgiveher that a child will mean you are bound to this man, and if he's so horrible to you what kind if a fathe would he be? If you can't face a termination then you need to think about having the baby on your own because it sounds to me like even if you can't leave him now, the relationship will reach breaking point anyway. You don't deserve to feel like this. You ought to be treated well, and in pregnancy this is doubly important. Good luck x

Whatever anger control issues he has are only going to get worst with a baby.

I agree with all the other post, leave leave now. If you choose to have your baby you will need all your strength to do it alone and wasteing another day with this man is dangerous. If you were my sister or my best friend and I knew you were being treated like this I would make room for you in my home.

I grew up in a home with domestic violence and it affected me, we would get hit too but not like my poor mum, I wish she had left. I still don't understand why she is still married to him now, although I know he doesn't do it anymore.

You are stronger than you think and worth so much more than this.

This is abuse. You need to leave him. It will only get worse, research shows that abusive relationships get worse in pregnancy.

Whether you decide to keep the baby is up to you. You can and will cope without him.

He will only get worse from this point. Your child deserves a stable, consistent and loving environment. Abusers are not capable of providing that. Run.

OP I would recommend posting this on the relationships section of the board. There are lots of people there who give truly excellent advice.

On my side, I wouldn't advise staying with him for another second.

If you had a daughter, would you want to see them treated by their partner as you are yours? If the answer is no, then leave.

As everyone else has said, what you're describing isn't just an unhappy marriage. It is domestic abuse. Emotional and financial abuse and controlling behaviour are included in this, it is not just the acts of violence that you have already experienced (and I agree with the others that violence is likely to escalate during your pregnancy and after the baby is born). Please leave before things get worse - you have options. If you want him to leave the house rather than you, then you can make this happen by speaking to your local police who can get you a Domestic Violence Protection Order: www.hampshire.police.uk/internet/advice-and-information/abuse-against-the-person/domestic-violence-protection-scheme

Trying to leave an abuser is often the most dangerous time so this order gives you some protection because if he violates it he can be arrested. Other abusers will become very apologetic and promise to change when they realise you are leaving, but they never do.

If you have the baby it will also be good to have a record of his abuse with the police so that any future contact he may have with the child can be supervised at a contact centre for the child's and your safety (it is very unlikely that a court would order no contact so if you continue with the pregnancy you should be aware of this).

Finally, in cases of domestic abuse legal aid is still available to assist you in divorcing him if you need it. If you don't qualify due to your earnings but still can't afford a solicitor there are women's centres and law clinics around the country that can help you.

this is a dangerous situation for both you and the baby. men like this never normally change-even if by miracle he was able to change he has to do it alone while you are away from him and safe, not with him.Please do seek help. Get evidence for his behaviour if you can (do you have a photo of the bruised knee?).
As a precaution I would also suggest you change passwords on your accounts so he can't get to your money.
How did he find out you told your best friend about the pregnancy? Was it from the friend or you? If you can turn to a good friend that you can trust it would be good first step to talk about it and get some emotional support.

You have not mentioned you even considered termination though few others suggested it here-please don't feel like that's something you should do. This is your choice only. As for being tied to this man because of the baby-a women's refuge centre should be able to advise what steps you can take.

It feels like you might still have feelings for this man or wish you could make things work which is normal but you need to think about your happiness and safety first-it does not seem like you are happy nor safe right now. Good luck.

As others have said, I would leave and terminate. If termination isn't something you'll consider, please at least report the shit for DV. At least with that on record you may have some control over his access to the baby. Theres no way on earth I'd trust him and his temper with a child. Good luck to you.

That is domestic abuse and I would call the helpline and report it. You need to make the decision if you still want to stay with the horrible person or leave.

In regards to the pregnancy as much as its his child as well you can make the decision to have the baby and do it solo or choose other options. I feel for you and it's not fair especially whilst you're still on early days of your pregnancy. Do let us know any updates