Paranoid husband about pregnancy

[Elderflowergirl]

I am pregnant for the first one currently 16 weeks. Things have gone fine except 3 weeks ago I had a period-like bleed. I had a scan the next day and was reassured that everything was fine and this was actually pretty normal. Since then it has continued peaking and troughing. Just saw my midwife this morning and she doesn't think I need another scan unless it gets heavy again. Thing is my husband is really paranoid that something bad will happen particularly now we have had this scare. He wraps me up in metaphorical cotton wool. The recent clash we are having is about me swimming in the sea off Cornwall. I really want to get in the sea this summer but he says the infection risk is too high and he'll never forgive me if something bad happens to our baby. The midwife didn't help my arguement as she tends to err on the side of caution. He says you can never tell if the waters clean or not. Is he being overly paranoid or am I being complacent? Thanks

What infection risk? Where does he think the water is going to go?

I have a very paranoid husband too and I haven't even had a scare like you! I have the perfect pregnancy with everything going according to plan and yet, DH is forever worrying about everything bad that could potentially happen and keeps telling me off for eating / not eating certain foods, or doing / not doing certain things, etc. I mostly ignore him .

I really can't see how swimming in the sea would affect your pregnancy in a negative way... What about you find a list of the blue flag beaches in Cornwall (these ARE tested regularly), show it to your DH and go and swim there?

he'll never forgive me if something bad happens to our baby

This is a worry - he needs to understand that there's only so much you can do to mitigate risks, that sometimes things just happen - and that god forbid, if they do, they will not be your fault (assuming you're not off quaffing vodka and balancing on balcony railings).

The baby is sealed in a little bag - there's an infection risk once your waters have broken, but beyond normal day to day infections that you could get anyway there's not anything different. You could pick something up at the supermarket, or the local swimming pool just as easily.

He'll never forgive you?! That's not wrapping up in cotton wool, that's being an arse.

If something happens it WILL NOT be your fault. If he can't see that then you've got trouble.

What everyone else said. His attitude is alarming. Swimming is fine.

Get him the book Expecting Better by Emily Oster. It is written from the perspective of a fairly risk-averse first-time parent, but she does a good job of showing how many risks are blown completely out of proportion. I don't think she treats swimming specifically in the book, but lots of food risks etc. are there and just generally, it's good writing to address issues of paranoia. You definitely need to watch your own sanity if you have someone who is very neurotic about risks to the baby - there is a dominant myth that mothers are supposed to be able to sacrifice everything for the wellbeing of their precious offspring, but it's really unhelpful.

For what it's worth, I am now 34 weeks and have swam throughout pregnancy (this is DC3) in lakes, rivers, and swimming pools. Not yet in the sea, but that's because I haven't been near the coast. Both my previous pregnancies ended in pre-term deliveries, so I am not at all blasé, but there doesn't seem to be a single good reason why you shouldn't swim - and moreover, lots of very good reasons why you should!

I don't understand what infection he thinks you are putting yourself at risk of?

And the never forgive stuff is just awful.

My mw told me that if you are going to have a MC you will have one. Nothing you do, or don't do, will prevent or cause it (notwithstanding accidents etc - she told me i could ride my horse s long as i didn't fall off.......)

Suggest he reads up on basic pregnancy biology, as he appears to think seawater is going to rush up your vagina in a salty, infected wave, infiltrate your womb and attack your baby with its evil tentacles. Honestly.

I agree with others that his attitude is worrying, if he is making noises about never forgiving you if anything happens to your baby. You're this baby's mother, too, and at least as liable to consider risks as he is. Swim to your heart's content and tell him to back off and grow up with the overprotective, patriarchal shit. You know what does damage in utero babies? Stress. Sometimes we can't avoid it, but this source of stress is eminently avoidable.

And swim away. I swam in the sea off the west coast of Ireland for most of my pregnancy and it was lovely.

Agree with the other posters about your husbands attitude.

Separately, I too have bleeding in pregnancy. It usually settles for me by 20/24 weeks. I have avoided swimming (and sex and baths) until the bleeding has settled each time. In my case because they haven't been able to say exactly what's causing it but the blood is clearly escaping from my uterus so I choose to take a cautious approach (on the basis that theoretically if fluid can get out, it could get in). For me this also helped me feel like I was doing something to help in a situation in which I was actually pretty powerless. And also because I knew personally that if a anything happened I would want to be able to tell myself I had done everything I should have done. My DH would never have blamed me though.

I second willnots book recommendation. I gave it to my DH to read and it really helped changed his perspective on stuff. He's still a bit about swimming etc, but then I explained the concept of the mucus plug and what it does

I understand - my dh was similar at first and I know it just came from a place of love, he wasn't trying to be controlling. We spoke about it and he told me how he felt like he needed to protect me. I told him I understood but I had nine months if this to get through and I had to be able to live life. I don't smoke, haven't had a drink and I'm very good with food so I explained I needed to have an egg that wasn't nuked to a crisp for example, or a third portion of fish that week.

Swimming should be fine - I think he's just being insecure and pfb about it. As long as you think it comes from a place of genuine love mixed with that peculiar man-protectiveness, you should be fine. If you think he is controlling you need to out you foot down. Comments like never forgiving are no good to anyone - you could live in an hermetically sealed done and still have a miscarriage. All you can do is be sensible, follow nhs guidelines and live your life

he'll never forgive me if something bad happens to our baby.

This statement is really, really worrying. Did he really phrase it like that? Is he going to extend that to making decisions on aspects of your healthcare.

I have heard of 'cotton wool' husbands before, but it's normally "I'd never forgive myself if something happens to either of you". Which is a massive difference.

There isn't an infection risk from swimming unless your waters have gone.

Thank you everyone. Your comments are really helpful and supportive. I think his 'I'll never forgive you' comment was his last ditch attempt to get me not to swim in the sea it hasn't had the desired effect. I think he is being completely melodramatic. The problem really is because the midwife said there was an infection risk (yes as in water rushing up my vagina!) but that's the case for anyone who swims in the sea/rivers etc. I guess she said that because swimming in the sea is definitely optional and swimming in a pool is cleaner (although I've read stuff about high chlorine levels!!) but then they say swimming is such good exercise in pregnancy! I've never had an infection from swimming in the sea. I know my immune system is reduced at the mo, but I haven't got ill at all and usually have very good health.

I will do as you suggest and check for blue flag beaches and also look up that book, it sounds good!

Thanks again. I really appreciate all your comments.

P.s. TakesTwoToTango: thanks for what you said about bleeding during pregnancy. It's nice to know others have gone through the same thing. Since we had the scan and the chat with the nurse I have felt reassured about the baby, plus my bump has grown so I'm sure everything is fine. The other day I had a good cry about the bleeding though as it was really getting me down. It's not like a period when you know roughly how long it will last. This is up and down and I don't know where I am. Also missing baths, swimming and sex! Also everyone keeps asking me how I'm feeling and I say I've had no sickness and feel well, which is great, but bleeding isn't the kind of thing they want to know about as I think it freaks most people out as they don't know if it's ok it not. I've told quite a few girlfriends and they are understanding but I'm thinking more of aquantancies like work colleagues! Anyway, looks likes it's almost stopped now. Hopefully for good!

Has he apologised for saying it?

I hate to say it but I suggest you ask your midwife about this.

When I was bleeding between 6 and 8 weeks I was told by EPU staff on two separate occasions not to go swimming while the bleeding continued. A friend in a similar situation with bleeding was told exactly the same.

There is an increased risk of infection if you go swimming, even when not bleeding, hence I did not swim at all on our recent holiday. In the scheme of things the risk may not be high, and I know many women happily swim all the way through pregnancy, but it is there. I have a history of miscarriage and have been advised by the clinic monitoring my pregnancy that I should not swim while pregnant, bleeding or not, because of this increased risk of infection.

PS Sorry, don't mean that to sound really negative, I just wanted to pass on information that I have been given. I know how hard it is to have a difficult pregnancy and feel for you. Hope all goes smoothly from here and that the bleeding soon disappears completely.

You are not being negative, it's ok. It's good to pass on advice, thank you. If I'm still bleeding I will skip swimming. That sounds sensible.

My hubby and I have made up. He is just panicking and said that to try and get me to realise how worried he is, but he didn't mean it. It was very helpful having all these comments. It helped me calm down and see things from his point of view and reassure him that I won't take any silly risks, but I think this one isn't one of those. I think guys have it hard in a way as they are completely out of control of the situation!

I have ordered that book, looking forward to that arriving!

Elderflower, you sound very level-headed about it all and it sounds as though you have a great relationship with your caring (if slightly anxious - but understandably so!) DH. I hope the bleeding is indeed coming to an end for you. If it helps at all, I've had more days with bleeding than not between about 6 and 20 weeks with both my DC and they were both born full term and very healthy Currently 20 weeks with DC3 and no bleeding since about 14 weeks (touch wood!). Am sitting here investigating pregnancy aqua classes with a view to recommencing swimming very soon. I went three times a week from 30 weeks in my last pg and it was bliss I hope you get to enjoy your sea swimming when the time is right and both you and your DH have a less stressful rest of your pregnancy.

PS I know what you mean about it not being an easy thing to experience or to discuss. Apart from v close friends, I usually go for something non-specific like "we've had a bit of a shaky start, but hopefully things are settling down now". That alerts people to the fact it hasn't all been plain sailing (and I hope goes some way to explaining why I'm 'only' cautiously optimistic about my pregnancies pre-24 weeks as opposed to assuming pg definitely = baby) but avoids going into too much uncomfortable detail

TTTT, Its definitely reassuring to know your pregnancies worked out well despite the bleeding. It's first time round for me so all unknown. I'm feeling more positive than anxious at the mo so hopefully it stays that way. Enjoy aqua classes, that sounds lovely!

In case anyone else reads this who has the same query as me about swimming outside, I've found these good sites:

www.livestrong.com/article/514611-is-it-safe-to-swim-in-the-lake-while-pregnant/#page=1

www.swimming.org/go/parents/mums-to-be-water-exercises-when-pregnant/

For me, as they mention being wary if there is vaginal bleeding, I am going to avoid swimming till mine has completely stopped (as suggested earlier in this thread)