My husband doesn't want our baby!

[Lifeisshit1512]

Hi,

We have a 4 and a half year old little boy who is very much loved and the centre of our universe. 2 years ago we started trying for another baby. After 6 months I became pregnant but then sadly miscarried. I then found out I had pcos and conceiving natural was going to be difficult. After lots of tests they put me on clomid. I took my first lot of the tablets. A few days into the cycle my husband told me he didn't feel ready and had gone along with all of this because he knew how much I wanted it. I obviously was very hurt and upset but kept it together. We used protection from then on. I then found out two weeks later that I was pregnant! My husband was shocked but very supportive and said we would get thru it. I am now 11 weeks and my husband has opened up and told me he still doesn't feel ready. He says that when he looks at the scan picture he feels nothing and just constantly feels sick??? I'm just so worried he isn't going to love this baby and not get his head around it in time. He is a fantastic dad to our son and know he will be the same with this one?? I'm just really worried?

I don't understand what he's trying to achieve by telling you this now?

Without knowing your husband it's hard to tell you whether he will be fine with this when baby is here but I'm sure he's not going to not love the baby, how could he not?

Has he said why he's not ready? Has something happened between you after your son being born that's made him doubt your relationship or why he doesn't want another baby?

I have started suffering with anxiety probably the last 18 months. I don't know wether that's made a difference?

He's a good man. Never miss treated me. He doesn't know why he's not ready he just said there must be a reason why he said it in the first place. But if he doesn't know how the hell am I.
He said he's going to have to get his head around the idea as he has no choice. IM just worried that if he doesn't where does that leave us??

I think your husband needs to visit his GP and possibly have counselling. If the waiting list is too long pay to go private. If there isn't anything "obvious" that you can put your finger on to say "oh that's why he's reacting this way" or he won't explain why he's feeling this way then I think he needs to speak to someone & offload whatever is going on deep down.

This must be very saddening for you to hear and to cope with. I'm sure with the correct help your husband will be able to cope and be a wonderful father to your second child as he is with your first.

I think the only thing you can do is talk talk talk and find out why he feels this way.

I know that's the only way I would feel secure if I was in your position is to know whats caused his change of heart and try and work around it. I too have suffered from anxiety and also depression and it put a huge strain on my relationship with my OH but once I had found out why I was so anxious and dealt with that I was able to then move on and it all improved ten fold. Do you know what caused your anxiety?

I'm saying that because maybe some of it has projected on him and that's whats caused him to have a bit of a freak out about the second baby. Ether way it sounds like he needs to talk it out if not with you with someone else

He Defo isn't a talker. I had to see a counsiller about my anxiety and he was totally against it.

I thought my anxiety started when I miscarried and found out I couldn't have any more children. But even now I'm preganant I still get the anxiety feelings so wondering wether it was that all along.

Thank you for replying and listening to me. It's so hard. I see how amazing he is with our son and I know that when he sees this baby and holds it he will probably feel the same.

Why don't you try cbt for your anxiety? It was the best thing I did. If your healthy in your own mind it will help other things seem clearer.

You do know that your DH will 99.9999% adore the baby when it's born. It's normal for men to wobble occasionally

Lots of things may be going on, but they are for him to sort out. You can't do it for him, although you can support him.

It could be an unresolved consequence of the miscarriage, and unconsciously he is distancing himself, or that he can't see another child apart from your current single child. Or he is on his way out...

He will have to see how he feels along the pregnancy. You can only go on as you can.

"He says he's going to have to get his head around it"

I read that as he's alarmed and muddled up. He isn't feeling the love yet. But he knows he has to sort it out and I bet he just needs to think about the changes it will bring for all of you. Your dc1 won't be the centre of the world. You won't be entirely devoted to his pfb. There will be compromises.
You have confidence in your new love but he hasn't got the hormones whizzing around. Our DC were pretty abstract to DH until they arrived.
Give him some space. If dc1 is excited when you tell them he may get it then.

Is he from a small family?

I can clearly remember thinking to myself when pregnant with the second 'how on earth can I love another as much as I do the first'. But I just did.

He really does need to be at all you're scans

I think there's a good reason why pregnancy lasts nine months! I found early pregnancy with DC2 and DC3 very difficult, I had lots of sobbing fits teary moments of being sure that I didn't want another baby, and my DH had to keep reminding me that we had discussed it, and that we DID want one, and that it would all come right in the end. The feelings of despair and helplessness got less after about 14 weeks and started to be replaced by more interest in the new baby, and now (33 weeks with DC3) I am just happy and excited about the whole business. It's really hard if your DH can't support you at lot right now, when you need it too, but it sounds like he knows that he needs to just wait for his feelings to sort themselves out. I would (based on my own experience) give him time and just keep reassuring him that it will be alright in the end, and see how things are in a few more weeks. If he's still feeling like this in a few months, then he really might need help, but there are a lot of weeks of getting used to the idea (also subconsciously) and hopefully if you both just take the new few weeks slowly and gently, it will all fall into place. Good luck.

Thank you for all of your support.

By the sounds of some of your experiences he will love it as soon as he sees it. Who couldn't??? And we know what they grow into as our little boy is so amazing.

I'm going to take all of your advice and give him some space. It's hard getting him to talk. Even to me.

He's said he has no intention what so ever in leaving me, that's not what it's about. And I believe him. We have been together for 13 years and married for 8, and have a lovely relationship. Sounds like he's just freaking out abit. I would be lying if I said I wasnt a little worried myself! I do wonder how I'm going to split my love and time between two!

OP - I honestly don't think this is something you can just sweep under the carpet and tell yourself it will be "fine once he sees the baby". It's incredibly disrespectful towards his feelings and means he will just continue to bottle them up.

I would second the advice that you should sit down with him and tell him that you want to support him, but you are too involved in the situation. Strongly recommend that he gets some counselling, even if you have to pay for a couple of private sessions. It's for him to organise - you aren't his mother - but he may just need to hear from someone that it's okay to speak to a professional in this situation. Tell him that you will also be looking for some counselling to deal with your anxiety (and do so).

You two can only sort out the reasons behind his worries once he knows what they are! And you can only really help to do that once you have your anxiety under control.

I would be lying if I said I wasnt a little worried myself! I do wonder how I'm going to split my love and time between two!

Ahem. Don't you mean, between three?

It sounds like he's probably just worried about taking care of a bigger family, to me. And maybe like some of your anxiety is affecting him - it's hard to be around someone who is anxious without feeling worried yourself, and feeling a sense that you need to look after them and make sure everything is okay. I would seek CBT as others have suggested if your anxiety is still bothersome - feeling like you are looking after things instead of feeling like you need looking after might take some pressure off him, and getting your anxiety under control would help with that. I would maybe focus on practical things with him, and show him how well it will work and how prepared you are to make him feel more confident. I really think he's just frightened about not being a good enough dad!

No matter how much I would mention counselling he just wouldn't go for it. He is such a proud private person that just wouldn't even be an option for him no matter how much I try and persuade him.

As for me, I started my cbt before I found out I was pregnant havnt been to one since as didn't think it was healthy to be doing it whilst pregnant.

I'm not pushing his feelings under the carpet! I really want to help and adore him just not sure how I can help when this baby is coming no matter what.

In which case, I am less sympathetic. I would say to him quite firmly that if he is too proud to consider counselling, then he has made his own bed and can lay in it. If he is unwilling to try and make progress to understand what is going on in his mind, then he loses the right to pass off his worry/stress onto you.

Not healthy to be doing CBT while pregnant?! That's really not logical. Go back and start doing it again. It's the most highly recommended treatment for pregnant women suffering from anxiety.

I second what other posters have said. Go back to cbt it's perfect healthy to do whilst pregnant. In fact it's probably not healthy to stop it if you still feel anxious?

I've took all your advice and got in touch with a cbt counsiller. Thank you once again

Glad to hear it, OP! I'm receiving CBT to help with my own anxiety during pregnancy right now and it's really a relief to feel a bit more like I can handle things.