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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Was it planned / have you been trying then?

42 replies

ejclementine · 08/06/2015 08:17

Why do people think it's okay to ask this? It's so intrusive and it pees me off. Witty response tips welcome!

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batfish · 08/06/2015 19:34

I agree, I think that TTC is quite a private and personal decision which you choose to discuss with a few close people if anyone at all. So I feel uncomfortable with people asking me about it and just don't understand why they need to know. However I know a couple of people who are very vocal about their plans for children so I guess they would be less bothered about randomers asking them what I consider to be personal questions.

sianihedgehog · 08/06/2015 19:46

Guyropes To be honest, everyone who knows me a bit but not really well thought it was blatantly obvious that I wouldn't be planning it. We did plan it, though.

I didn't like the fact that it seems to lead to judgement either way - if I'd said no, half the people asking would have been like "oh well, I guess you'll love it since you're stuck with it, you foolish woman" and when I said yes several people said "Really?! I didn't think you were a boring mumsy type until now". There's just no reason to ask except to judge as far as I can tell.

Guyropes · 08/06/2015 20:08

That's interesting siani, so you don't like the question because it's a judgemental type of question?

Others are saying they think its a rude question because it's personal..
I wonder whether the judgemental aspect is at the root of a lot of personal questions?

When people ask your age, is it annoying because their next thought is 'omg she looks old for 36'. (or maybe .'she's in pretty good shape for her age..'.)

zipzap · 08/06/2015 20:09

I used to reply 'Actually I'm trying for a kitten. Or maybe a puppy. A lamb would be nice. A baby elephant would be fun. Actually, scrap the baby elephant, that sounds a bit too big and painful don't you think?' and babble away like that for a bit - would make people stop and realise that their question was also a bit intrusive and a daft thing to ask!

Also worked well when pg with dc2 - when people asked if I wanted a boy or a girl...

DrCoconut · 08/06/2015 20:16

My current pregnancy was unplanned as was my first. Second took a year of trying . People usually assume DS2 was the unplanned one as there is a large age gap between him and DS1, and only 4 years between him and this one. Whatever, all 3 DS's are/will be equally loved and wanted.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 08/06/2015 21:29

I am clearly in a minority here, but I don't find it rude at all. I think it's a normal question that tends to pop into people's heads - people tend to be interested in whether you were actually making a conscious effort to get pregnant, or if fate just grabbed you. There just is a difference between when something happens that you have been actively trying for, and when something happens that you are happy about, but weren't expecting at all.

What would be rude would be for someone to follow up with "how long were you trying for" or something.

It's kind of weird how so many people seem to take it as some sort of judgement of their moral character

Unless the people you are talking to are from the 1900's maybe?

Fivemonkeysjumpingonthebed · 08/06/2015 22:09

I hated this question with first DC and am anticipating the same this this time around. However now I am looking forward to someone asking as I will totally be stealing the Angel Gabriel line!

Original poster

ejclementine · 08/06/2015 22:15

I'm stealing the 'I'm not sure how it happened actually' line.

OP posts:

ArgentinianMalbec · 08/06/2015 22:19

How about "oh no, it's not Mr. ejementines!" Laugh and then leave them wondering whether you're joking or not. Nosey feckers!

neomamma · 08/06/2015 22:23

This has happened to me too. It surprises me that it even crosses peoples' minds to ask, to be honest, as we have been married for 4 years and together for 9, and i am 31 and OH is 37. besides, if it was unplanned, surely the fact i am announcing it and therefore going ahead with the pregnancy (rather than having a hushed-up termination) means it was wanted (even if not planned) and therefore makes no difference anyway. So why ask? Does it make people feel better if they know the answer?

ArgentinianMalbec · 08/06/2015 22:25

Sorry that obviously should read Mr ejclementines

mrschatty · 08/06/2015 22:35

No one yet has asked me this- mainly because only family know and they know I was ttc for 18m and started investigations- ill be shocked if I do get asked I think it's rude! I loved the angel Gabriel comeback though!!

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/06/2015 05:45

This annoyed the he'll out of me at work. None of your feckin business was what i wanted to respond. I am 37yrs old and tend not to make announcements of a personal nature to colleagues. Sadly telling people you are pregnant is a bit of a necessity. Its not so much the rudeness (although why do they care?) but the personal nature of the question, from people that I class as colleagues, not friends.

LetThereBeCupcakes · 09/06/2015 08:51

The first person at work who asked me if my DS was planned was told "oh yes, very much so. Would you like to see the spreadsheet?"

Funnily enough nobody else asked me after that.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 09/06/2015 09:42

Funnily enough I got asked this a lot with DS, I'm not sure why as I was pretty average if you like - not long been married, early 30s so the question confused me. Now pregnant with DC2 with a small age gap. I can tell many people think he/she is an accident but no one has asked. Both planned, if it matters?
I don't think it's rude necessarily but just odd - why do they want to know? My friend who's had ivf just says 'yeah, it was ivf' and people look really embarrassed. So why do they ask if they don't want to know? There's lots of other things you could make conversation with e.g. when are you due?, how are you feeling?, do you know the sex? etc

ACatCalledFang · 09/06/2015 10:42

My pregnancy wasn't planned, though we're very happy about it, but it doesn't mean I want to tell everyone this.But I have lost track of the number of people who have asked me this question. As DP and I have been together for over seven years, I can only conclude that not being married must have something to do with it.

I don't mind if it's friends asking (though when they've established it wasn't planned, some have enquired as to the mechanics of how it happened - a bit much...). But I do mind if it's colleagues asking - I find that intrusive.

If it's not a close friend asking, my initial response has been to beam at them and say "We're really pleased", rather than actually answer the question, which has worked well (so well, in fact, that nobody has asked twice, so never got to deploy smart lines about date/time/position or falling on cocks...).

Superexcited · 09/06/2015 10:53

I hate this question and I have been asked it a countless number of times with my current pregnancy. The fact is that it wasn't an accident but wasn't exactly planned either, we just went with the flow. We were not expecting to be pregnant after four years of shagging without contraceptives so it was a surprise but not exactly an accident. I don't want to explain all of that to random people.
When I think of "trying for a baby" I conjure up images of people charting their body temps, checking their mucus and shagging according to a timetable of fertile days and that isn't what we did with any pregnancy. We just ceased use of contraception and carried on as normal without any additional 'trying' efforts.

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