Will I ever feel like myself again?

[Feelingstressed444]

Not sure what to say really, but I just can't deny the way I am feeling right now. I am 30+4 and just sick and tired of this emotional roller coaster I have been on for the past seven months.
All I ever wanted to do was have a baby with my loving husband of three years, so when I found out I was pregnant at the end of 2014 after literally our first attempt I should have been over the moon. The first trimester was so physically draining that I did not get the excitement I was expecting. The second trimester got better, maybe because symptoms slowed down and I started exercising again so started to feel more positive. Now I am in the final trimester I am just feeling strange.
Sometimes I feel down, though not depressed but just very lost and alone. I feel extremely vulnerable and needy towards my husband, like no amount of love is enough for me to actually feel loved.
I am sat here alone now as dh is out on errands, and I should be completing a report for work. But I just cannot motivate myself to do anything. I just feel so lost. I have eaten literally a pack of biscuits which I know is comfort eating. I just want to close my eyes and sleep.
I know there is nothing anybody can do for me, I am just so disapointed that pregnancy has not been what I thought it would be, and now I am wondering will I ever be my happy and positive self again?
Please tell me if anybody feels the same!!

Have you had a chat to your midwife about how you're feeling? I felt horrible during my third trimester, hormonal and huge and completely obliterated as an individual by the process, to the point where it was giving me panic attacks. It helped to talk to my midwife.

Also bear in mind that it might be prenatal depression, which is a real thing with a frequency almost as high as postnatal depression (although it's terribly under-diagnosed). Hormones in pregnancy in my experience are a lot more challenging and fundamentally mood changing than the airy HCP "oh it's just hormones" line would have you think. Hormones are powerful things!

I really sympathise. I'm enjoying my pregnancy but I can't deny its been physically very tough indeed.

There seems to be this myth that you should be a glowing radiant earth mother whereas the truth for many of us is nausea, sickness, exhaustion and joint pain. Not to mention the massive changes in the body and the sense of being 'taken over' and losing your own sense of agency. I also feel incredibly vulnerable and for an independent (mild) control fiend it's very disconcerting.

I agree with sweet - you should talk to your GP about this, and firmly rebut any 'oh it's just hormones' nonsense. Make sure emphasise that you're seeing a clear difference between the earlier normal hormonal feelings and how you are now. Do not minimise symptoms and ask directly for help.

Go easy on yourself and try to get a sympathetic ear - if this is prenatal depression then the sooner you get effective help the better.

I haven't really said anything to my midwife. I first mentioned to her at my 8week booking app that I had anxiety and she basically laughed it off saying I need to stop worrying about every little thing. I felt slightly patronised and don't feel very comofortable opening up to her now. But it's getting to the stage where I probably need too.
Yes I sometimes feel like I may be having a panic attack. Can you explain what you felt during an attack?How did you find it helped by talking to your midwife?

Thank you skiptonlass. How far along are you now?
Yes it is strange not being in control for so long over your body and pretty much everything!

I hated being pregnant. It was nothing like I inagined- I thought it would be this fluffy, happy state and I would feel amazing but actually I felt physically ill and quite lonely and depressed throughout.

The good news is I love being a parent and have found the actual first year of motherhood very nice- fulfilling and exciting and interesting and funny. I gave birth, had the three day crash where I cried for a day and since then it's been all good and I would say within a week of giving birth I felt like me again.

I'm 21 weeks. I've had really horrible sickness and now hip and back trouble, so it's been a struggle so far! Plus I have placenta previa...sigh...

It is a shock to not be in control. I think that's been a hard thing for me to deal with.

Talk to your mw again and make sure you're clear and firm. Write it down ahead of time if it will help you.

Good luck!

Thank you skiptonlass and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

That's really reassuring to know Clare thank you. It's strange knowing all the things we are 'meant' to feel and then seeing how things actually turn out!

Hi,

I hate pregnancy! First time round sickness from day one up until I gave birth, got huge, did not feel like me at all, craved to have my body and get me back, felt down but then felt terribly guilty for complaining. The minute I gave birth, started feeling human again but it takes a while for your body to adjust but when it does it feels great to have you back. It's all worth it once you see baby :)

Second time around, 11 weeks pregnant as sick as a dog, no energy and feel awful. I'm bed more than 16 h a day most days and just feel crap thinking I've got months of this to go!!

I am frustrated that I never got to experience a nice pregnancy, or know what's it's like to enjoy it. I see all these blooming glowing pregnant happy woman and think id love to have felt like that.. But hey ho that's just life.

I think some people really enjoy it and don't suffer, but some people really suffer and it's hard.

However, like my husband keeps reminding every minute is that it will all be worth it to see the little baby to come!

I was quite lucky because I had the same midwife throughout my pregnancy and I trusted her implicitly. It helped just to get the feelings out mainly, we concluded that as I wasn't dangerous (not considering suicide etc - there is a checklist that they use) that it was more a case of looking after myself and not trying to do too much.

I also found that if I didn't religiously take my prenatal vitamins it was a lot worse.

The panic attacks tended to come on when I read other people's birth stories and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got almost all the way to work a few times then had to turn around and come home.

Do be kind to yourself, pregnancy can be tremendously challenging. And I didn't have a glowing burning love for DD immediately the moment I saw her either, that took time. Just reassure yourself that there are many (valid) ways to do this baby making thing!

If I were you I'd seek help from another midwife or an understanding GP. You need the ball rolling for support now as once you've had the baby, life is hectic and tiring and it's hard to get this kind of thing looked at.

To give you my experience from the other side, I felt exactly like you describe. I only felt myself again when first DC was 12-18mo! I know this is not what you want to hear but you have time to act. In hindsight I had antenatal and postnatal depression but it wasn't dealt with as I stuck my head in the sand. It's okay to ask for help.

You really should mention it to your midwife in case it's prenatal depression.

I'm another though who didn't really enjoy pregnancy even though it took 3 years to conceive, I think my expectations were too high and selfishly I expected to be a bit more spoiled and looked after but dh sometimes hardly mentioned it, don't get me wrong he wanted them as much as I did and we have a fantastic marriage but I don't think other people appreciate how all consuming it is for us.

You do need to be prepared too for the fact that it'll probably be the same once the baby is here, other people will love them but it'll be you who finds them the most amazing, fascinating creature on the planet, I'm currently sat with my 15 week old dd2 asleep in my arms and I keep looking at her in awe whereas dh is on the other end of the settee watching telly