Ex left 4 months ago but refuses to take his things

[sarah00001]

Hi, this is probably not the right place to post, but I'm just posting here on the off-chance someone might be able to help.

I'm 35+4 weeks today. My ex left me about 4 months ago and went to live with his dad. He stopped paying his share of the rent immediately and left all his belongings here except some of his clothes and toiletries. He's a hoarder and the whole house was full of his stuff. I managed to get him to take some of it but there is still loads left. There are 2 outside cupboards which are great for storage but I can't keep anything in them as they are full of his old junk.

I keep asking him to clear his stuff but I keep getting the same old answers such as he has nowhere to put it, he works full time and is suffering from depression and can't cope with sorting it out etc.

He refuses to speak to me by phone or face to face, saying that he can't cope with me getting angry with him, and will only communicate by text and takes at least 2 days to respond to a message, saying he must have a fault with his phone which I know isn't true.

He can be extremely vindictive and I know he is doing this deliberately to cause me as much stress as possible.

This is making me so unhappy and I don't know what to do. I was thinking of asking a professional house clearance company if they can remove his stuff but I don't know if this is legal to do without his permission.

He texted me yesterday saying he wants to fully involved with the pregnancy from now on and be present at the birth. I do not want him with me at the hospital under any circumstances, but he is saying it is his right to be there.

He is a nasty, controlling, manipulative bully. I hate the fact that I can't relax in my home because of him.

Does anyone please have any advice on how I can get rid of his things?

Thank you

Sarah

Hello.

When my ex husband left me and my kids for after a 5 year affair, he took nothing, and did nothing about all his stuff.

So in the end, I got some mates round, and we emptied everything of his into black bin bags, didn't damage anything, just bagged it all up.

Then I drove it round to where he was, piled it all outside his front door, and range the bell, then when he answered, I told him there was all his stuff, got in the car and drove off.

This only works if you know he's in and will answer the door, otherwise, I'm sure he'd sue you for abandoning all his stuff. You can't just leave it with him not knowing it's there. Once he's seen it, it's up to him isn't it to take it all in.

Oh, and I took pictures of it all, which I still have...there was a HUGE satisfaction over seeing the fecking golf clubs finally gone once and for all :) :)

Much love, I was always incredulous that my ex could walk out of a 20 year relationship with only a small bag and take nothing. xx

So sorry to hear about the way that this appalling man has treated you. The one good thing about your post is that you recognise what a bully he is. You and your child are much better off without him.
I agree with great advice from PPs - text him immediately with a deadline of one week to pick his stuff up, after which you're going to have to put it out with the bins, since you need extra room to store baby stuff (bulk nappy purchases etc). This is completely reasonable and the one week timeline is also reasonable, given that (sorry hun) but you could have your baby at 37 weeks so it needs to be done now. You can also ask him to give you a day's notice of when he is coming, so that you can arrange to be out or have a friend keep you company.
I don't think that you should move anything for him. You're 35+4 and shouldn't be heavy lifting. Also he needs to take responsibility. If he doesn't then bin it, and again get help from a friend. Definitely DON'T put anything in storage and pay for it as you will end up financially liable, whether it belongs to him or not.
In terms of the birth, he definitely does not have a "right" to be there. It is hard to do this but other than getting the stuff picked up, I would just completely cut contact with the guy. No texts, no antenatal updates, and simply don't tell him (or anyone that can't be trusted) when you go into labour. Let the first news he gets about your baby be from the Child Support Agency.
Finally, while this man may not have physically harmed you (sorry, you don't say) he has emotionally and financially abused you, and the law recognises that as domestic violence. At your 36 week appointment tell your midwife this and be clear that his threats to turn up to birth are frightening you and stressing you out when all you want is a bit of rest. Get it put onto your antenatal record, and as others have said, make sure it's clear in your notes that you don't want him anywhere near the birth.
Last of all, good luck with your baby and everything else. It sounds like you have really been through the mill with this loser, but you have got rid of him now and your life will only get better. He can demand his rights all he likes but having walked out on you and treated you this way, he'd be laughed out of court so don't even give this another thought (although do keep texts and any other correspondence in case you need records).
Big hug to you too!

Thank you all so much, you have given me a huge amount of advice which is extremely helpful.

Unfortunately the situation with my ex has deteriorated further. Out of desperation I rang the police to see if they could help, not thinking they would, but they are coming to my house on Monday.

I'm really struggling now both emotionally and physically. I feel frightened in my own home as he has a key and refuses to return it. As I'm renting, my contract states that I cannot change the locks. My ex has told me that he has the right to enter when he chooses once the baby arrives. He has never hit me but he has punched holes in walls and in doors. He's 6 ft 3 to my 5 ft 2 and is terrifying when angry.

I'm sure I sound weak and pathetic for allowing this to happen but I feel so tired and drained with it all I'm not coping too well. I'm hoping the police can help. If they can at least help me with changing the locks, this would give me some peace of mind.

Is your ex partner on the lease? If do he needs to be removed and all liability switched over to you. If there is a safey reason to change the locks then they can be changed. I would also speak to the police regarding some sort of restraining order. He sounds like a complete twat!

Can you explain the situation to your landlord and ask if you can change the locks? If his name is on the lease can you ask if you can break the lease and take it on yourself going forward? Sorry, I don't know the legalities of renting, but there's a safety issue here which needs to be addressed before baby arrives. Locks really don't take much to change and I'm sure your landlord would prefer that to damage to the property caused by him.

HootyMcTooty is right. I'm a lettings manager and if this situation ever happened with one of my tenants (which it has numerous times) we would need to act on it straight away.

I would have thought it would be ok to change the locks as long as you give the landlord and lettings agent spare copies. We had a similar clause in a tenancy but when my handbag was stolen, with my wallet and keys in it we had to change them for security reasons and there was no problem.

They can't throw you out for changing the lock. But agree you should tell (not ask!) them first and take them new keys ASAP. The purpose of the clause is to ensure the landlord can gain access in an emergency if you aren't in.

Also agree you need his name off the lease.

If I were you, I'd text him two days after the baby is born and tell him you've gone into labour. So, when he shows up and you have a lovely baby you can remind him of his faulty phone
That's great advice.

You can definitely change the locks. Tell the landlord the key broke or something. They won't care as log as they have a copy. When can you get him off the tenancy?

I would text him about the birth waaaay after two days! Two days postnatally you're likely to be feeling knackered and highly emotional and very vulnerable. He should have no presence in your mind or life then. Text him when you want to and are ready to, as you know he's likely to start pestering you and turning up at the house shortly afterwards.

Or, don't text him at all.

This man is terrorising you. You don't have to let him anywhere near you or your baby.