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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DH advice not helpful -whats he thinking?

16 replies

sophiaslullaby · 20/05/2015 21:10

My DH is great and has been supportive and very happy about the arrival of our first child however he doesn't seem to get the bodily issues that come with pregnancy for a woman.

Im 16weeks and still getting sickness if i dont eat regulary (at least thats what i presume but guess it could just as much be the huge amount of hormones in my body). Evenings i can rarely eat much but lunchtimes (when DH doesnt see me!) I really do eat.

So this evening when i threw up and nothing came out he didnt believe me that I did eat today -as i would have brought it up! He says he's he's just trying to help by advising what i should do but its making feel like im doing wrong. I can't eat if feeling sick!

Im not after a bashing against my DH as know he does mean well, just some explanation as to why he's being so steadfast in his thinking that all i need to do is eat the right food and i'll be fine...

OP posts:

lemon101 · 20/05/2015 21:20

Ah! I have the opposite problem! DH is obsessed with me overeating and constantly gives me advice of the variety that makes me want to punch him.

Bless them - they do mean well, but at the same time shhhhhhhhhh! They should just say nothing! lol!

MissMartin1992 · 20/05/2015 21:29

i went through a week of not actually being able to eat anything prob around time of conception and he did not stop going on about it and now im being directed through this pregnancy on what dp has read on google! and ive only known for just over a week .. god help me! ... arn't they annoying hehehe

Original poster

sophiaslullaby · 20/05/2015 21:33

I think thats it, i feel bad about putting a message up but its nicer than having an argument when all he's doing to trying to look after me the only way he can (they cant have the baby for us!)

Your DH sounds as if he's doing the same. But yes agree, maybe they could do it less vocally -although mine purses his lips like im a naughty child! Gets it from his mother.

Thanks for messaging, i feel better.

OP posts:

MakeItACider · 20/05/2015 21:38

You say

'Sweetheart, you know I love you, and I know you love me. But you have absolutely NO idea what it's like to be pregnant and how awful it can feel, so if you give me one more bit of useless advice I swear I'm going to shove it where the sun doesn't shine and you will NEVER want me pregnant again. GOT IT????!!!! And wipe that prissy look off your face while you're at it.'

Then if he makes the mistake of mentioning it again just tell him to fuck off.

Original poster

sophiaslullaby · 21/05/2015 08:21

Hahaha! I will keep that one for when i've truely had enough. The use of 'sweetheart' is tactful -he's rather sensitive!
Really just knowing my DH isn't the only one to try and fix me (isnt that the male brain?) as way of contribution has made me feel better. I either have to let it go over my head and carry on doing it my way or tell him to stop and risk hurting him.
I am also a very grumpy, irritable cow at the moment - is that normal at 17 weeks? Im normally meek and shy

OP posts:

thingsarelookingup · 21/05/2015 08:25

My husband was obsessed that I didn't drink enough. I think it was his way of trying to look after the baby but it drove me mental. Everything could be put down to drinking more apparently.

Daisy17 · 21/05/2015 08:45

You're probably being sick because of hormones - when I'm sick because of hormones, I just retch and bring up bile no matter how much I've eaten that day. It's a different sort of being sick!! Maybe try to explain it like that? Bit off that he doesn't believe you, though.

Original poster

sophiaslullaby · 21/05/2015 08:56

I have a midwife appointment soon so will ask them there infront of him so he can hear the medical answer (and hope it doesnt backfire and they tell me also to just eat better!).

Hmm...i thought it a bit off he couldnt just take my word for it but guess he's just seeing the hard evidence -i say ive eaten yet i throw up just bile (sorry if TMI!) -but interesting you do the same Daisy

OP posts:

Lunastarfish · 21/05/2015 08:58

Your DP sounds the same as mine. I could pretty much only eat between 9-4 when I was at my worst with morning sickness so apart from weekends my DP wouldn't see me eat. He was always trying to feed me at night and only stopped when I had a go at him for sending me a text every day at 4 asking what I wanted for dinner - i didn't want dinner & i started to find the text messages quite stressful (my DP would do this before I fell pregnant).

He does still frown through if I have something to eat which he doesn't think is very healthy but I do the same to him when he cracks open a beer.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/05/2015 09:01

For goodness sake, how annoying!

Just tell him to fuck off and do some research.

And also, to kindly lose this viewpoint that now yo're pregnant you are incapable of looking after yourself without his input.

ARV1981 · 21/05/2015 09:04

Lol my DH is the same. I guess it's just their way of being involved and showing they care.

Bloody annoying though!

But, I expect it's less annoying than having a partner who doesn't take an interest at all. That would be devastating I think.

RolyPolierThanThou · 21/05/2015 09:24

When I was 35w pregnant and was complaining about never getting comfortable enough to sleep well. Lying on my back made me breathless and on my sides made my pelvis creak and hurt.

He helpfully suggested I try sleeping on my front.

at 35 weeks!

scatterbrainedlass · 21/05/2015 10:04

They are just trying to help and are concerned, but I agree, it can get annoying! Try not to turn it into a fight, maybe ask him to back off a bit, I'll be fine in a few days, that so of thing. And just keep telling yourself he's doing because he loves you!

Skiptonlass · 21/05/2015 10:56

A lot of men are 'fixers' . They see an issue and they want to fix it. My dh does this too.

I've had the following talk (done with humour, of course, I know he's trying to help.)

Darling. This is how you approach problems: issue>solution>everything is fine.
This is how I need you to help me solve problems: issue>acknowledge issue>brief talk about how grim it is>brief sympathy>solution>everything is fine.

I just had to get across to him that he can't solve every problem. He can't solve me throwing up. I just need him to say 'yeah, that must be really tough. I love you. Is there anything you need?'

I think you just need to have a chat about problem solving styles ;) I sympathise on the sickness... I still have it at 19 weeks. Yuck

LilacWine7 · 21/05/2015 16:27

I really empathise!

My DH gets very worried that I'm not eating enough. At 24 weeks I'm still vomiting every day, sometimes several times a day (HG). DH is obsessive over me not eating enough, to the point we have rows about it because i feel he doesn't trust me. I just can't get through to him that I'm eating as much as I can tolerate, that there are times when eating more is counterproductive because it will trigger violent vomiting.
I think it's really hard for men to understand what it's like feeling so sick throughout day, and how hard it is trying to force food down when you're body's trying to force it back up. My DH has said he feels anxious and helpless because he knows i need to eat and the only logical solution he can think of is to keep reminding me to eat every 30minutes, and presenting me with different snacks (including cold baked potatoes at midnight because he was convinced i needed something bland and starchy! ) He also arranges food in creative ways to make it more 'appealing' and texts me from work to ask what I've eaten. On one hand it's nice he's so caring, on the other hand it drives me mad because it feels oppressive and adds stress to the stress i already feel about eating.

The best thing you can do is try and reassure your DH, listen to his worries, and try not to get angry. But do tell him how it makes you feel when he puts pressure on you, and if possible give him practical tasks likes shopping or cooking, so he feels he's helping in some way.

Skiptonlass · 21/05/2015 19:01

Lilac, that's my point exactly - he obviously cares a lot, but he's trying to fix a problem that can't really be fixed. He's trying to fix you, when what you really need is understanding and sympathy, not attempts to fix it !

My Dh is the same. It comes from a place of love but it's frustrating when you just need understanding :)

Your advice to give him something practical to do is spot on - to a fixer, that's action :)

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