Pregnant and absolutely terrified, please help

[Geothecat1234]

Hi, I'm new here but desperately hoped that with all your combined experience you might be able to help me.

I am 38 and pregnant with my first child. I have always wanted children but since I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) I have been completely beside myself. I have always been incredibly independent and I literally feel like my life is over. I can't seem to stop crying and panicking about what my future now holds for me and my baby. To make matters worse a few days before finding out I was pregnant I had decided that my relationship should probably come to an end. My partner is a very good man and very supportive - my thoughts to end the relationship were very one sided. After weeks of soul searching I and very honest conversations my partner and I have decided to take each step as it comes and remain together. I know he will make a fantastic father.

However, I am still finding everything completely overwhelming and seem consumed by fear and panic. I cannot bear the thought of anyone knowing I'm pregnant, and it feels that sometimes I'm in denial about the whole thing. My fear and panic is now so extreme that it is making me consider a termination, although I truly think that I will seriously regret this option and given my age may miss my opportunity to ever have children.
I'm so aware that so many women, a lot of my friends included, desperately want to be pregnant and I feel incredibly ashamed to be feeling like this. I want nothing more than to feel excited and telling the world, but it just doesn't feel like this. It just feels completely overwhelming.
Is this extreme fear and panic normal? Does it get better? And did anyone else who experienced this have problems around telling other people?
I'm literally at my wits end and appreciate any thoughts, stories, advice that anyone might have. Thank you.

Hello, first of all I haven't been pregnant yet so I don't have any experience of this but even though I very much want children, what you have described is exactly how I expect to feel! I think it would be strange NOT to feel completely overwhelmed, you didn't plan it so you haven't had control and now you have no real control over your life for the foreseeable future! But, you have said you have a good man even if you are not in a relationship and I am absolutely sure you will work everything out. It's big and it's scary but that doesn't mean its all wrong.

That said, if you do want to consider a termination then that's ok too, these things happen. Could you talk to a GP or a friend? You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

My friend had a baby recently. It was planned but she confided that she was absolutely terrified, panicking that she was doing the wrong thing, missing her life of going out and drinking wine, scared of being at home with the baby, scared of losing her identity. She also said for the first month after her son was born she looked at the walls and thought "what have I done". But she's nicely bonded with him now, hes 7 months old and much more manageable and she says she finds it strange to think she felt like that at all.

You are normal, so please cross that off your list of things to worry about

I'm sure someone who has been through this will be along soon!

I'm not so sure Jenda. OP if you're 'consumed by fear and panic' then that's more than normal pregnancy wobbles, and it might be helpful to talk to your GP. I've met someone who suffered from antenatal depression, who had a miserable time during pregnancy but was OK once the baby was born.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/pre-antenatal-depression.html#.VVu7a1VViko

Sorry, I did miss the consumed bit but did suggest speaking to GP too. My friend also had antenatal depression and it was awful, but also much more extreme than what was been written here so my radar is probably off. I just wanted OP to have someone talk to her until someone more knowledgeable came along really

OP if the whole pregnancy is tied up with relationship wobbles and you feel like this is your best chance in imperfect circumstances and it's a surprise then it isn't surprising that it has precipitated a crisis of confidence.
Start with the things you can control.
If you terminated and didn't have children later how do you see your life going? Fun and financial security or lacking that 'purpose'?
Could you make things work as a single parent? Work? Family support?
Make your decision based on you.

Hey Jenda, your opinion is just as valid as mine
OP What is it about telling other people that horrifies you? That it would make it all real? Or something about their reaction?

Hi OP,

You sound a bit tokophobic which is where you're terrified of pregnancy and sometimes feel a bit trapped. Some people know they are that way for years before getting pregnant (me) whereas others only find out once they get pregnant. There is help available and you just have to assess what you really want. I've had so many talks to myself every time I wanted to 'get out' about the fact that I really do want a baby and it's only 40 weeks of my life for a lifetime of love. I do think your relationship wobbles may be making it worse as its a lack of security. Like the other girls have said, you totally have options but take a bit of time to just feel it and relax into it - don't forget you're full of hormones and 'normal' omg I'm pregnant fear too! X

I'm truly overwhelmed by the time people have taken to write to me. Thank you. Its really enouraging to hear of other people who have experienced similar things - thank you Jenda and biscuit millionairre - and the link to the Pandas foundation made a lot of sense - worryingly so, and I have booked an appointment to see my GP.
Giddy - I simply can't imagine my life without having children. I think thats whats making me feel like I need to bury my head down against this gale force wind and plough forward despite the voices of doom inside my head. I suppose at somepoint in my life I've created a picture of what being pregnant and having children looks like. Not being in that place, I feel like I'm trying to rewrite my own rule book and for some reason I'm cutting myself no slack.

Lady pug - I am going to look up Tokophobic- thank you.
In all of thisI feel most sorry for my boyfriend, I spent most of last nght a sobbing mess on the sofa and talking like I'd taken a truth serum. I have no idea how he is still here. I wish I just felt better and could just see some positive in all this but it all just seems so so bad . . .

Hey OP,

I think it will get easier, most of our DPs have supported us in the same way at some point! Xx

"I simply can't imagine my life without having children" - I do think that's your basic answer. now you just need to work out how you are going to deal with it, which is not easy, but can be done if you take it one very small step at a time, rather than letting the whole thing overwhelm you, which it will easily do!

Hi Geo, I could have written a lot of this post 28 weeks ago!

I found out I was pregnant and was completely shocked and terrified - I was not remotely excited and all I could think about what how I would lose my independence, had already lost a massive chunk of my identity, didn't know whether I had made a huge mistake getting pregnant in the first place, was confused about my social life now I could no longer drink etc, felt awful with morning sickness which never helps anything, was worried that my baby wouldn't love me or that I wouldn't love him - it was awful.

I sobbed and sobbed at my booking in appointment and it really was terrible - I felt pathetic and really, really depressed and frightened. The midwife asked me outright whether or not I wanted my baby and that was probably the first time I realised that as terrifying as the whole thing is and regardless of the state I was in, I wanted him more than anything and had done since the second the second blue line appeared and I realised he was coming along.

I spent a long time feeling guilty that I wasn't shout-from-the-rooftops happy and enjoying pregnancy when so many other women struggle to get PG and would love to be in my position but then my midwife told me that it their experience isn't my fault and I am entitled to my own feelings - that really resonated with me and I tried to be less hard on myself about the whole thing.

It hasn't been plain sailing, I have had some antenatal depression and have needed some mental health support through my pregnancy (I did have pre-existing MH issues though) as well as needing to speak in detail with the birth talk midwife at my hospital - I was initially terrified of giving birth and wanted an ELCS initially.

As well as the shock of the pregnancy I also had bad morning sickness and a stock of other symptoms which made the depression worse I think. Luckily, at 15 weeks the sickness stopped and then a few weeks later I started to feel my baby moving and if I wasn't in love with him before (I was) I was completely besotted when I felt those first little wriggles. Not in a cheesy Earth Mother way though, I feel more like he is so much a part of me and we have been through so much together.

I am currently nearly 34 weeks PG though and I AM SO EXCITED! I can't wait to meet my little man and see his little face and touch his soft skin and look into his eyes - I can't believe how much has changed since the early days and the booking in appointment meltdown.

Give yourself some time to let the idea sink in, keep talking to DP and to people on Mumsnet and your friends in RL if and when you can. You wouldn't be human if you weren't absolutely terrified!

Hello OP,

I hope you are okay I have no advice but I thought I would share with you as I am feeling very similar.

I'm 23 and found out in Feb that I was pregnant. It was a horrible shock for both me and my partner. My OH didn't want me to keep it and previously I had thought in this situation I would have a termination. About a week before I found out, I'd had a catch up with an old friend who is 40 while we were pissed she confided in me how she is devastated about her previous abortions because now she can't ever see herself having children (obviously I told her it was not impossible to) now and she'd always wanted them. This really played on my mind and and I don't know if it was hormones or something but I just felt like I termination wasn't a option for me. I even told my partner that I was going to have one but I couldn't even ring the GP to make an appointment about it - I just couldn't.

I've gone through phases of feeling excited and being terrified. At least once a day I spend a while thinking 'have I made a terrible decision keeping this baby', which makes me feel like a horrible person. I was so excited the night before my 12 week scan, I felt like how I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a child. I got so anxious when I was traveling to the hospital though - my OH was being all smiley and I felt like he was just faking it and it made me really uncomfortable. I felt nothing during the scan and cried for 3 hours when I got home because I felt nothing which made me feel like a shit mum already and I felt sorry for myself because I'm not in the place in life I thought I'd be when I was pregnant (much like pp). I feel like I'm grieving the life I had planned for myself which sounds ridiculous and self centered.

Sometimes I feel happy and excited - I can feel movement now which makes me smile, but sometimes when people start asking about names and shit mundane pregnancy chit chat (why the fuck does everyone want to know if I've had any cravings yet?) I just want to burst into tears.

I'm 20 weeks now and got my scan tomorrow which I'm dreading now. My mum rang earlier and just as I was saying 'I can't believe I'm halfway there' she interrupted saying 'I know you must be so excited the baby will be here any day soon' and I couldn't finish what I wanted to say which was 'this is going too quickly, I feel overwhelmed and terrified'.

Telling people was scary because I felt like I couldn't cope wit faking being happy. People do irritate me with the same pregnancy questions but I do find other people's excitement about the baby contagious sometimes - other times awkward. My OH is still struggling to tell people - he still hasn't told his Mum! The coward. He'd given himself a deadline that he had to tell her tonight - I know he hasn't but I haven't had the heart to ask him directly I know he's ashamed.

Anyway a bit of a rambly essay but just wanted to give you another example - this definitely isn't an unusual way to feel! I hope you find the GP useful and feel better soon. It is terrifying but I just keep thinking well I'm sure most people feel terrified so I'm sure I'll be fine . Let us know how it's going

Hi OP,

I don't have much advice to offer but I will try. I've just had a baby. Exactly a week ago today. I suffered a terrible pregnancy. I've always had mental health problems and when I fell pregnant with my second child (unplanned and with almost 11 years age gap) I was shocked and over whelmed and developed pre natal depression. I considered a termination in the beginning even writing the words makes me sad. She is here now. She is absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change her for the whole world. Its still not easy and I'm
On medication and struggling still with depression, but inspite of that I can categorically say that I 100% do not regret having her and I am eternally grateful to the forces that be that stopped me from going ahead with a termination. Please of your feeling this low get some help. Get some as early as possible. Thinking of you xx

Geo Just a note to say I am thinking of you and hope you are feeling better... Please come back to let us know you are ok.

Geo, hope you're OK. I was in your position about 8 months ago, except I'd never planned on having children and had actually been told by doctors that my chances of getting pregnant and carrying it to term were very slim. I'm now due in 4 weeks and can't wait to meet him/ her. Of course life will be different but I've focused on things that will be the same and new things I'll be able to do, or do more of, with a child. One of the things my partner found really useful was pregnancy counselling, if you're in London and would like details regarding where to go, let me know.
As others have said, I wonder if your relationship issues are muddling things. He sounds very supportive, but only you can know if it's right. One thing I did find useful was behaving as if I'd made a decision, and seeing how I felt with it.
As for telling others, I didn't tell anyone besides very close friends and family until about 18 weeks, I just needed time to get used to it and be prepared for mundane pregnancy chat. There's no rush to do anything. As others have said, even people who have planned their pregnancy feel moments of 'Oh fuck.' I hope you've been able to get some RL help.

Hello, thank you so much to everyone who has written to me. I went to see my GP who has said I am at the higher end of the scale for anxiety and has referred me for specialist services. They offered me antidepressants, which I have turned down at this stage, preferring to see what happens if I increase physical activities like swimming / yoga and walking. I agree with what many of you have written, that my relationship concerns are seriously adding to my anxiety. I feel so terrified at what the future holds for me and how I even start to put one foot in front of the other. I'm worried about hurting anyone and how to create a life for a baby that isn't chaotic right from the word go. . . But I'm 38, I want to have children and I have no idea what course of action is right for me, my partner and my baby . . . .

Lovely to hear from you Geo and pleased that you have had some help and support from your GP.

Keep talking - you can always come back here and post or post in Relationships if you think that is a better fit - the support on Mumsnet is great, especially early on in your pregnancy when you can't really tell anyone what is going on - particularly if you are still deciding yourself.

Glad you saw your GP and that they've referred you. I hope things start to get better for you. Best wishes.

I suffered from antenatal depression- I was able to access counselling from the hospital's antenatal counsellor, which helped immensely; but, to be honest, being pregnant was awful. I was filled anxiety and dread, felt like I'd ruined my life (1st pg was unplanned so was the 2nd).

Having a newborn was no walk in the park, and the feelings of overwhelming fear still hung around for a while... But once I was no longer pregnant, I began to feel much, much better. Everything went from black and white to colour. When I got pg for the second time, it was back to black and white (almost overnight), but at least this time I knew what it was, and that it would end.

My DC are 3 and 6 now, and my life is far, far better than before I had them, in ways I could never have imagined. And my life was good before them

Grit your teeth, get through the pregnancy, and possibly the newborn bit, and remember that those are just tiny, tiny parts of motherhood. Just because you don't enjoy being pregnant doesn't mean that you won't enjoy being a mum

Hi Geo, just wanted to thank you for posting, by sharing your story you have really encouraged me, I hope I can offer a bit of encouragement too as I feel like I am in a similar position in some ways.
I'm 35, about 9 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy with a fairly new relationship, just started a new job in my team and also about to be moving house. Before I found out for sure I thought being pregnant would be the worst thing in the world!! Funny thing is though there is this part of me (it started out about 10%, I think it's getting bigger!) that is happy and excited to potentially be a mum. I'm getting my head round embracing this new direction my life is taking, holding on with both hands and trying to enjoy the ride! I think it's a good thing that babies take 9 months to grow, hopefully that will give me time to deal with the task of looking after a little human being, which still seems daunting to me at the moment.
Also I have had to deal with disappointment that me and my bf let this happen when our relationship was in such early stages. I come from divorced parents and was so hoping to have a stable home and relationship ready for any little ones that come along. My bf has been great, I think also 1/2 freaked out and 1/2 happy but still involved. At first him and me tried to rush our commitment to each other and that just made me more freaked out. I have felt a lot happier since we sat down and talked, agreed to embark on this parenting thing together but treat our own relationship as separate, if love grows and we want to commit to each other great but not to rush anything just because of the pregnancy.
That worked for me as I felt a little more in control of the pace of things.
I don't know if any of that helps but I wanted to say congratulations, I'm excited for you! and wish you all the best.