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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to announce pregnancy sensitively

21 replies

elelfrance · 18/05/2015 15:56

I'm seeing a very good friend tomorrow evening, and I'll be 12 weeks pregnant, so will obviously be telling her. The thing is, she's been trying to get pregnant for her second for heading on 18 months and nothing's doing so far, whereas I got pregnant on my first cycle trying.
She's been very open with me about the whole thing, we've talked about everything that's going on, and she knows we were trying, so shouldn't be completely surprised...but I still want to handle the conversation gently, as she's told me how hard it is that everyone who has kids the same age as her LO are already on their second
I don't want to bounce in grinning from ear to ear shouting "Guess Whhhaaatt !!" - but I don't want to announce it like its bad news either.
So what approach do I take ? Something like "I have a bit of good news hun, but I don't expect you to jump up & down for joy, you're allowed to be not delighted"

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sherbertlemon17 · 18/05/2015 16:37

Marking my place because I'm in a very similar situation. Both myself and a friend at work have had trouble conceiving. Both quite open about it with each other, but now I'm pregnant and I need tips on how to approach it.

I'm really hoping she turns around and says she is too! I know how soul destroying it is when people announce they are pregnant and you've been trying for so long!

DulcetMoans · 18/05/2015 16:48

It is difficult, I was the friend in your situation and hated the thought that my friends wouldn't share the good news with me. In fact one of my best friends who was struggling with me didn't tell me until after 12 weeks which I am sure she would have done had she not worried how I would feel.

I think your approach is kind of right - just be straight and tell her you have news and hope she will be pleased. She will probably be delighted for you as she is your friend but expect her to maybe have a few tears in private. She will just need to deal with it her own way.

MummyPiggy87 · 18/05/2015 16:59

Ive been on both ends of this.
After me and my dh were trying for 2 years, my close friend fell pregnant straight away after trying for one month, when she told me I was really happy for her, but also had a massive amount of jealously. I got used to the idea although it was hard, but I was genuinely happy for them, unfortunately she miscarried at 8 weeks and my heart broke to pieces for her.
Two months later I found out I was pregnant, obviously overjoyed but really didn't know what to do either about telling her. I actually told her through a text (coward I know)
She told me she was happy for us etc.
It was very awkward and to this day I feel like our friendship has been damaged, shes completely off with me now and we've hardly spoke.
I guess it just depends on the type of person your friend is, I'm sure she'll be happy for you as it's been so long ttc.
Big congratulations

Original poster

elelfrance · 18/05/2015 18:43

sherbertlemon, if she said she was pregnant too, i'd be happier for her than for myself!!
i suppose i'll just try and be sensitive, and if she needs to be sad or jealous or whatever, then thats what she needs to do... hopefully once the news settles in a bit, she'll be ok
i'll let you all know how it goes

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batfish · 18/05/2015 19:34

I have a good friend who has been trying for a few years and has had 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF and understandably takes it pretty badly whenever there is a pregnancy announcement. I actually told her on an email so that she could react in private and in any way that she wanted without having to plaster a smile on her face and say congratulations and then she could come to me when she was ready. I explained to her why I was telling her that way and she said she really appreciated that I put the thought into it. However everyone is different and maybe your friend would rather be told face to face, good luck with telling her and I am sure it will go OK as you are obviously sensitive to her situation.

jaffajiffy · 18/05/2015 19:41

Honestly I'd tell her via text beforehand. My sil had me round following my mc to tell me not only was she pg but also that her dc was due on the same date as my lost pregnancy. I then had to be chipper and upbeat for the rest of our evening together when I just wanted a little weep. I was happy for her, just also a little sorry for myself. I've used that experience to let other people know about my subsequent successful pregnancy and have had more than one thank me for letting them know in a way that let them process it privately.

Ineedacleaningfairy · 18/05/2015 19:52

Yes, text her and let her know beforehand, much kinder that way although it might feel like an odd way to break big news.

Go and visit her, answer the polite "how are you feeling?" "What's your due date?" And change the subject quickly!

youlemming · 18/05/2015 20:02

I think she would appreciate you telling her in person in the way you are planning.
I have a couple of friends who are going through hard times TTC, one having multiple loses and another not being able to fall at all.
With both we met up just us for a coffee.

I found it quite hard as I already have a 5 yr old and number 2 was unexpected so I felt bad knowing how difficult things had been for them.
But I have also been on the other side too taking 4 yrs and a little help from clomid so was never expecting number 2 to just happen like that.

Just be honest and open and as you say don't expect them to jump up and down but I do hope she is happy for you and I'm sure she will be even if it's a little subdude.

mrsjskelton · 18/05/2015 20:04

That's an awful situation mummypiggy :( I'll have this issue at 12 wks (thankfully not there yet)
A friend recently had a very traumatic miscarriage at home and I'm not sure how to tell her either x

MummyPiggy87 · 18/05/2015 20:17

Thanks Mrs, it's never going to be easy telling them. I saw her today briefly and when i left I sat in the car and cried because of how its ruined our friendship, hopefully it's just for now, she asked how the scan went but didn't ask to see the photo she just looked so gutted. I hope you get on okay telling your friend. This must happen a lot.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/05/2015 20:36

Just don't call her 'hun'; it might tip her over the edge.

weelamb123 · 18/05/2015 20:41

Be very sensitive when u yell her. If she's a real friend she'll be happy for u. This happens to me with 3 friends who all fell pregnant quickly whilst I was still trying. They all told me in private and were lovely about it. I'm now 30 weeks with dc2. Good luck xx

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/05/2015 20:45

Sorry that was unhelpfuleven if true. You can't predict your friend's reaction, obly hpe she'll take it with good grace for the sake of your friendshi. You're already doing rhe right thing by preparing for it.

Preminstreltension · 18/05/2015 20:48

When I was in your friend's situation I found it easier to have a text first along the lines of "looking forward to seeing you and I have some news to share" which gave me a chance to get my happy face on.

Tootsiepops · 18/05/2015 21:31

Please, please text her first. I've just had ivf, but before that struggled with infertility for 2+ years. At the 18 month mark, any pregnancy announcements made me cry big, heartbroken, jealous, frustrated, angry sobs - sometimes for hours. Let her know before you see her to give her time to react privately, and then pull it together for seeing you in person.

SweepTheHalls · 18/05/2015 21:34

Tell her in advance and don't be offended if she doesn't want to see you straight away. I've been on the other side and it is really hard.

Original poster

elelfrance · 20/05/2015 11:13

Well it all worked out great in the end ! I didn't text her beforehand, it didn't "feel" right...when she arrived to the bar, i was drinking an orange juice, and she asked me "is there a reason you're not having a glass of wine ?" I said there was, and she seemed genuinely happy. I told her that she was allowed to be sad for herself too, and she said that she was trying to keep an emotional distance from the whole thing, and not let it affect her relationships. We chatted about my plans for a while, then moved off the subject and stayed off it for the rest of the evening, and had a lovely time :-)
I'm so proud of how she's handling this, I honestly don't know if I could be so gracious!

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Redsparklyshoes · 20/05/2015 14:56

That's fantastic OP and I'm really pleased it worked that way.
I had a very similar situation when I found out I was PG and telling my best friend who was going through a second IVF. I thought telling her face to face would be best and then read on here another similar post and was surprised so many people recommended texting or emailing. I felt as she was my best friend I should be able to tell her face to face but who knows what she would have preferred. She reacted really well similar to your friend, we didn't go on and on about it and it was nice.
However her husband on the other hand disowned me and has pushed me away completely. We were all so close as two couples but since my news he has gone out of his way to ensure he doesn't see me. Ignoring invites from me to get together and I've been really hurt by it.
On one occasion I was due to meet her for a coffee and considering he had ignored me for months sent a random text to me not even asking how I was telling me to be sensitive and not talk about the baby too much. I probably over reacted as I'm hormonal but I was so upset. Im not that insensitive!
I've seen her and it was tense but we cleared the air and I apologised but then deep down what am I apologising for? For being pregnant?
Things are still strained and im gutted as it would have been perfect if we were PG together but life isn't always like that.
I've really not thrown it in their face and been sensitive on FB etc and other friends and have said how little I've said about it.
So just be careful as friends may change as I guess they also have ups and downs as we do. I wish you all the best.

Original poster

elelfrance · 20/05/2015 15:13

Redsparklyshoes, thats such an awful pity....i've had that happen to me before, a friend with infertility totally cut me out after i got pregnant with my first, even though i tried my hardest to be sensitive...i think thats why i was so worried about this friend, so fingers crossed things stay going well

OP posts:

Redsparklyshoes · 20/05/2015 15:23

Ah thank you, it is so hard and I've been every emotion going, angry, upset, hurt, etc and have decided to just give him space and if he wants to keep in touch later he can. Nothing more for me to do and I've realised I shouldn't feel bad or guilty I'm pregnant. Good luck!

MummyPiggy87 · 20/05/2015 15:44

Glad to hear it went well OP, she must be very strong good on her.

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