Think am losing mind with anxiety over alcohol, marriage, life: please please help

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm so sorry to start a thread on something lots have posted on already, and have found some comfort (and some further anxieties) on those thread, but really feel like losing mind and really at a loss for where to go next. We were due to start IVF in March and I had an ultrasound mid Feb to test ovarian reserve when, I now know, I was a few days pregnant. Nothing was visible, I realise it wouldn't be at this stage, but I took this to mean that yet again this month had been unsuccessful. I found out I was pregnant on Tuesday March 10th, and cycles are irregular but based on when I know we slept together think then five weeks max, so three post conception. Problem is, Friday was at hen and Sunday took mum and aunt out for very boozy lunch, not to mention had folks round for dinner Saturday. Would estimate Friday drank 2 bottles wine, Saturday one, Sunday two. Know this is lots and didn't drink much previous weekends but def not atypical for me to have bender like this from time to time. Previous year had been really careful in two week wait and now feel so guilty and such a fool for not being so when it mattered. Been so anxious and frightened, GP said damage v unlikely and reassuring although did say "couldn't be certain", NHS direct also reassuring and midwife, and dear friend who is obgyn so decided fears more irrational and started seeing counsellor. This helped to a point and felt better for a while but woke up at 5 this morning overcome with fear again and running out of ideas of what to do. My husband is the loveliest most supportive man and has been so kind and helpful but works really long hours and isn't around much and in truth i'm worried that the limited time we do have my crying all the time and generally like this is going to take huge toll on marriage. Am downstairs now typing this with door shut so he can't hear me cry. Keep googling stupid things from usa, thought initially that provided that not drunk past 18 days post conception which don't think I have was fine but found doctor at michigan who says no proof of this. Keep veering between moments of calm when think all ok and realise being mad to very real all consuming panic that only rational thing to do terminate. My boss is amazing and told me she was hammered at 18 days post conception on NYE and her daughter fine, but then manage to reject that as found out we're having boy and have read they are more suceptible...Plus 2 diff dating scans as had harmony test and one says was drinking at 18 days one at 14 so no real certainty on any of it. Please help me, no idea what to do!

Oh please please don't worry, do you know how many people have unwittingly got drunk whilst pregnant with no bad outcome? You don't share the bloodstream with the baby until about 6 weeks I think, I think it's nature's way of allowing us mums a bit of leeway! Unless you abstain whilst trying to conceive (which I know many people do but many many people don't) then it's inevitable this happens and I've never heard of any terrible things happening because of it.
My sis went on a boozy weekend away in Paris when she was about 4 or 5 weeks and my niece is the brightest little 8 year old you could meet.
It's very easy to become highly strung whilst press but it's important to rationalise these things (not easy I know), you and the baby will be fine xx

Oh and stay away from Google! Listen to people around you who are telling you it will be fine.

Step away from Google! Especially stay away from any American pregnancy related articles - the U.S. culture around pregnancy is incredibly risk-averse (probably due to all the suing) so seems calculated to provoke anxiety.

FWIW I'm of with our first and fretting a bit. I'm sure it's normal, but please talk to people, it will ease your mind. If you haven't already, join a MN antenatal club and share your worries there. I promise everyone will reassure you

Do not Google things. Google is full of ridiculous horror stories and if you googled anything about pregnancy it really makes you wonder how humans have lived for so long.

I know how you feel as I became obsessed with googling symptoms when I was younger and it does take over your whole life. The overwhelming feeling of panic after reading something stays with you for days until you have convinced yourself that everything is wrong -when it isn't!

Please try to calm down and stop. If you've had the harmony and everything is fine then try and take comfort from that. I don't think they are even hooked onto your blood stream until after 18 dpo.

For what it's worth, with DS1 I didn't know I was pregnant for the first few weeks and I had been taken on holiday for my birthday with a group of friends, drinking shots etc etc when I would have been around 4/5 weeks pregnant, plus I then went through a rather boozy Christmas and New Year.
I was absolutely terrified when I realised I was pregnant and didn't know if I could ever forgive myself. I now have a wonderful 5 year old son, who's a good size for his age, in perfect health and loves to read and write stories.
I have no doubt that your baby will be perfectly fine! I hope you can trust in this and find a way to start to enjoy your pregnancy. It does get better as you start to feel them grow and move inside you.
Good luck with your pregnancy OP

I had no idea I was pregnant for the first five weeks with my daughter, one weekend I consumed a very greedy bottle of vodka, the following weekend a bottle of pims and cider on a weekend of camping. My daughter is a happy healthy three year Old
Really and truly do not worry, you are allowing guilt to overshadow rational thought. Be kind to yourself you have done nothing wrong or out of the ordinary, lots of us have accidentally continued to drink, we can't control the things that we don't know about

It would be hard for me to find a friend who didn't get utterly smashed before finding out. One of them had been on a serious weekend with us all in London and was drunk from fri-mon! Not one of their kids has a trace of FAS. I think it would take serious prolonged abuse.

It's most likely your hormones mixed with how much you want this baby that are making you feel like this. Try and see it that way, and what an amazing mum you are going to be if you care this much already, and it might help.

Congratulations on the peanut!

I've been there. The day before I found out I drank 2 bottles of wine and prior to that I was hardly reserved (was quite a big drinker!). I panicked - GP wasn't bothered, he smirked! I still panicked though and spent hours online - like you looking at ridiculous American articles. I remember one on an American news channel that claimed, quite seriously, that one drink during pregnancy could cause FAS in some women. And that's definitely bullshit!

Really all the evidence shows that early on, which you were, has no effect. Cells at this stage can go on to multiply and become any body part which is why damage doesn't affect the foetus. Its later when baby is more defined that it possibly could (not definitely) have an effect.

I've found as pregnancy has progressed and scans are normal the worry has dissipated. My advice would be not to look up anything else - you will only find what you've already read. It sounds like its become a bit obsessive and you'll find taking a step back will do you the world of good!

I have a friend who, believe it or not, didn't realise she was pregnant until she was 18 weeks pregnant (thought she was just putting on a little weight and had a gynae problem of some sort!). She was completely plastered the whole time.

Little boy is just fine, aged 9 now.

Having said all that, it's fairly obvious now that she has a drinking problem and has had some liver issues lately but still in denial.

Please don't worry.

Reading your OP it strikes me that anxiety is more of a problem for you, than alcohol. Please address these anxiety issues and how you deal with uncertainty: having a baby is a huge deal and looking after a newborn a whole other ball game. All of that can seem frightening and you need strategies in place how to manage this.

Try Hypnobirthing - it has helped many a worried mother.
CBT is another good way to help address how what we think affects what we feel - physically and mentally.

There is nothing you 'can do' - just let every day pass and allow your baby to grow. The balance of likelihood is hugely tipped in your favour. Don't waste valuable nervous energy on 'what ifs' and going over the same ground in your head. None of us can change the past, and the future is not here yet - live in the moment. Right now you are pregnant with a pregnancy and all was well in the tests you had.

Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy

Step away from google!

I was holiday when I conceived DS, ate and drank all the wrong things for an entire week! Found out I was pregnant about a week later. He's now a happy toddler.

I agree with others saying anxiety is the biggest issue and I also don't know a single mother who did not get drunk when pregnant but it was too early to know. All those babies are healthy babies and children.

I have worked with lots of children (1000s) in various roles and I have only come across one child with AFS. The mother was an alcoholic who binge drank to the extreme for every day of her pregnancy.

Ditto what everybody else said. I had a surprise pregnancy, conceived mid December, drank so much champagne on Xmas day that I pretty much passed out! tequila shots on NYE, 9 days before finding out, had effectively stopped drinking by around 4 weeks because of going back to work etc, found out at 5 weeks. Wasn't taking folic acid during that time or anything. Immediately stopped drinking, started taking supplements, am now 23 weeks everything looks good (touch wood). I worried about it a lot too at first, but unfortunately it's just one of those things. It's happened to countless women. No HP will tell you in an official capacity that it will definitely be fine because they can't give those types of categoric assurances, but off the record, most would say that it's fine and that loads of women do it. My friend (a doctor) said that the placenta doesn't take over for a few weeks and they're living off the yolk sac for a while. Also most of the reading I've done suggests that at that stage it's pretty much all or nothing, if the environment was that toxic the pregnancy wouldn't have taken. Maybe your focus on this issue is a symptom of wider anxiety which is why it's dominating your thoughts. I hope that it goes well.

I didn't know I was pregnant with ds2 and drank heavily over one weekend. Of course I was anxious, but all was well and he's now a strapping 19 year old.
Try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and definitely stay away from Google

Really, it will be fine. As someone else said, you don't share a blood supply with the baby until about 6 weeks. I have a medical book here which details the development process minutely. No shared supply, no alcohol, no problem. It's good that you're recognising this anxiety as getting in your way and seeing a counsellor. Because really, you are fine, the baby will be fine.

I didn't find out I was pregnant until 14 weeks and I'd spent a whole summer going on boozy holidays and sleepless festivals without knowing I was pregnant.

DS is playing happily in front of me and is perfect.

Another one who was plastered before I knew and has a healthy and happy (touch wood) DD. I also had a boyfriend who had been adopted because his biological mother was an alcoholic. She apparently drank a bottle of vodka a day and also took recreational drugs on top of that. He was perfectly healthy and very clever.

Thanks so much for your support, this has really helped me to calm down and get things in perspective a bit - really appreciate it xxxx

I think it might be helpful - but probably a lot harder - for you to address the issue of your anxiety rather than the alcohol. It sounds like you have had a lot of rational reassurance from a range of good authorities and that doesn't seem to have made you feel any better - of course fear isn't a rational emotion and we are all susceptible to having our head ruled by our heart but I wonder whether there is something else going on here - perhaps related to the natural anxiety surrounding IVF and the issues you had with conception. You mentioned counselling - I would encourage you to address this with your counsellor and see if they could help you explore where the worries about the alcohol might be evidence of some other worries that need addressing too.

Like others have said, I too drank in the early days before I knew for sure. Baby was conceived in December so had boozy Christmas and New year parties at which I got very drunk (and disorderly)... 23 weeks tomorrow and so far everything seems fine. Baby normal size at 20 week scan.

I googled too when I first found out, got so worried that my husband nearly banned me from using the internet! It's normal to be anxious but it sounds like you've got too much anxiety. Good that you're seeing a counsellor - I've just finished a 6-week course of counselling and feel a hundred times better about the pregnancy, my worries...work, relationships - everything really!

It will definitely get easier as you feel baby move, it definitely did for me (even though none of my clothes fit and I feel a frump).

Congratulations on your baby, you'll be a great mum from the sounds of things. Just stop googling!

Stay away from Google!!!

Your GP said he couldn't be certain because he can't be 100% certain until the baby is born. He would not have reassured you and said damage was very unlikely if he believed there was any likelihood of there being a problem. This is the sort of thing that happens quite often - it's usually sustained big drinking that causes the problems.

And congratulations! Try not to worry too much if you can.

Please don't worry! I am currently 6 weeks pregnant and had a very boozy week at about week 4 as we were between IVF cycles and I was convinced that our natural month of trying had no hope so thought I'd have one last blowout with booze (And soft, blue, unpasteurised cheese...). I was wrong!

I can completely understand your anxiety, especially if you've been going through infertility/IVF which takes such an emotional toll. But as lots of people have said up thread, many, many women drink in early stages of pregnancy without knowing they are pregnant and everything goes on to be fine.

Please try not to dwell on it, and Enjoy your pregnancy!!

Thank you all so much. Have emailed UCH mental health midwife team to self refer to talk through and feel so well supported and reassured by your very kind messages, really appreciate this xxx

Oh my goodness do not worry!!! Of the millions of women before you, you are not the first and certainly won't be the last!!!

I agree that help with anxiety at this stage could help you hugely further on - I have a friend who is quite highly strung & got very anxious when she first had to look after her first DC alone (her mum was with her for the first 6 weeks or so). She had CBT after the first birth which helped her with strategies to calm her worries, and for her second DC she did a hypnobirthing course which she highly recommended.