How to respond to criticism over pregnancy?

[mazpie]

Sorry I posted a question earlier but I forgot to ask one more thing on the run up to spilling the beans.

I'm 20 and pregnant (7 weeks+ unplanned but happy) and I'm terrified of my family finding out. I'm telling my parents after my scan tomorrow once I know everything is ok but I'm dreading anyone else knowing.

My grandmother is the sort of person to say exactly what she thinks, nothing sugar coated and boarder line offensive. I would never disrespect her but I feel with hormones and the stress I'd be tempted to tell her where to go. When my cousin got pregnant when she was 27 and my grandmother was so horrible to her because she wasn't married.

I know the timing isn't perfect so I'm prepared for a lot of criticism but I have no idea how to respond. Do I sit back and let the family assume I'm not going to cope and I shouldn't have let it happen? My family (particularly my aunts) are VERY opinionated and judgemental and I'm probably the only one that lives by the rule "if you dont have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". I know they care but I'm dreading the patronizing and nasty comments but I'm really not sure how to respond. I feel like I should just avoid them completely but that may not be possible.

P.s. my parents are actually lovely I'm not referring to them when I talk about judgemental family.

Can you bring the father or a supportive friend to stick up for you when you tell them?

Congratulations

I think (hoping) that your family will surprise you. I obviously do not know you personally or your circumstances but you obviously want this baby now they are there and i hope they will respect that.

I have had some criticism due to being unmarried - despite having a 35 year mortgage with the father of my baby which I personally see as MORE of a commitment than a wedding. You just need to be strong and smile and nod if necessary.

At the end of the day, if anyone has a problem... it is their problem not yours

I was youngish when I had dc1 on my own.

I didn't tell my parents until I was over 20 weeks so I didn't have to defend my decision not to have an abortion.

Do they really need to know earlier than that? If it's just going to upset you, put it off.

In fact you are under no obligation to make an announcement at all!

Do you live with family?

If you aren't going to want/need help with childcare then maybe just keep them at a distance if they aren't going to be a positive influence.

If you do tell them have answers to their questions/criticisms ready eg what's your plan workwise & childcare- have you looked into nurseries/childminders and costs? Show you understand how the tax credits system works and what cc watch chb, hb, maternity pay/allowance you will be entitled to. Know where you are going to live and how it will be paid for. Know how you are going to budget for baby equipment and ongoing costs such as nappies.

Have you been around a baby before? Do you know about breastfeeding, sleeping patterns, safety, socialisation etc?

If you sound clued up they will soon shut up.

If they have a go about the unmarried thing just tell them you're a lesbian!

If they are still unpleasant you are better off without them in your life.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

If your parents are supportive, then use them as your support team. Would they be happy to spread the news to the potentially tactless, judgemental relations? You will of course have to face them at some point, but if they have had time to process the initial shock, their comments to you might be a bit more moderated. Also, if your parents stress how happy they are for you and how good a mother they know you'll be they may be a little less likely to have a go.

Also, practise some replies to the most likely comments and questions in your head before you see people. 'Did you mean to be so rude?' Is a good one.

Thank you all for your help and advice, Jackie your lesbian comment did make me laugh lol!

I live with my mum and dad, I'm an only child so conveniently we have a spare small bedroom which has not long had all new lovely floor laid down (perfect nursery). I'm working but will need to sort out maternity leave etc but I had a bleed last week which doesn't appear too concerning but I didn't want to talk about it much until I have my scan which is tomorrow. I was in uni in a different city to my home but I planned on coming home and changing courses anyway. I'm doing psychology even though I wanted to do midwifery but it was implied by college tutors I wouldn't get on to midwifery due to my age, but after realising university isn't all about going out and having fun I just want my career. I also miss my parents a lot being a long way away.

I've worked out my baby would be 10 months old when I would hopefully start my uni course and I would get financial help from student finance for having a dependent. My mum and dad don't expect any money from me for moving back with them so everything I earn can go in the baby fund. In our house we have 2 living rooms so I always have my own space as I tend to take over one living room and them the other so I don't think we'll be treading on each other's toes and what not.

I've had a lot of experience with babies I feel confident that I can safely look after my own although I know as a mother there is still a lot to learn.

I'm starting to think twice about announcing it to some members of the family. Especially ones that would do nothing but criticise then expect to be able to upload photos of baby on facebook with captions such as "so happy I have became a great-aunt again" (sorry slight rant there)

Imo, 7 weeks is pretty early to tell everyone. I probably sound like a doom merchant as most pregnancies are fine, but the earlier you tell people, the more people you have to tell if things don't work out - from what you've said about yr extended family, this might be a PITA.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, I would have a long chat with them tomorrow after the scan, and maybe ask / say that you don't want to tell extended family until a few more weeks away, i.e after the 12 week check in, esp if you were a bit concerned about the bleed.

This will enable you to talk through with them your plans for living, uni, money, support, childcare, inevitable questions about the dad / his family etc and the three of you will then be able to adjust to the change and be cohesive when you tell the wider family.

thank you misssmilla I wasn't planning on telling everyone til after the 12 week scan anyway it has just been on my mind about what they'll say even though its weeks away, i'm a bit concerned that my mum will worry and tell her mum (the opinionated grandmother) then the next thing you know everyone knows, so i feel like just in case i should know how to respond. As supportive as my mum is she can't keep anything to herself.. perhaps I should think about telling her even later? I'm not too sure to be honest, but I agree with having a lot chat and telling them not to mention anything until I'm ready, fingers crossed they listen!
Thank you for your help

In my experience, no matter what people gave an opinion about pregnancy.

I've had 2 children in my teens, 1 in my 20's, 2 in my 30 's & my last baby I was 40! Yet every single time someone has had a negative opinion!

I would wait til your 12 week scan. Sadly I know you can't be sure of any pregnancy but i have never told anyone before 12 weeks.

This time next year, your gorgeous baby will be here & everyone will adore her !

The very best of luck. Wishing u a very happy & healthy pregnancy.