Advice from parents of teenagers/young adults

[mazpie]

I'm 20 and about 7 weeks pregnant with my first. I haven't told my family yet, but I want to tell them when I've had my first scan (Thursday). I had a little scare not too long ago so I want to make sure everything's ok first.

I'm so nervous about my scan because I know how real this will all become. Although it wasn't planned I'm happy but I have 'oh my god can I do this' moments and I'm not sure whether this is just because this whole thing is one big secret at the minute. I'm terrified of disappointing my family, I'm in university in a different city from home and they'd love me to come back, they know I want to switch university and courses so leaving would make them happy (they know I'm not happy there) I just know they won't be thrilled about me being pregnant because they have such high hopes for me. My mum and dad are so supportive with everything so I shouldn't be nervous about telling them really. I just feel like I've failed them because in an ideal world they'd love me to have my career, get married, see the world, THEN have kids. Which is what they did.

I know what I'm sacrificing and I know it will be worth it but I'm under no illusion that it's going to be all cuddles and smiles, I know it will be extemely difficult.

I wondered if anyone who had older children could advise me on the best way to tell my parents? Kind of like it it was you how you'd prefer to be told? I don't want to be disrespectful and text them as an easy way out. I know they won't shout at me which is probably why I'm worried, because I know they won't express how disappointed they are so as not to upset me.

I know it's probably a tricky question but any advice would be so helpful!

Hey mazpie, first of all congratulations on your pregnancy and hope the scan goes well.

It seems to me that you have pretty healthy perspective of how everyone will feel despite, what will be their best efforts not to show it (i.e. perhaps a little diasappointed).

For the record, if my DD came to me with this news (she is of a similar age to you), I would be concerned for her. She may view this as disappointment but it genuinely isn't.

Of course I would want things to be scheduled differently in her life as I'd realise how difficult it would be for her to complete her studies and establish her chosen career...but 'disappointed' is a bit strong. She is sexually active and we are all of the mind, in our household, the only way to completely avoid pregnancy or STIs is to never have sex!

There are precuations that we can take but they are never 100%. It doesn't matter. The situation is what it is and you have made your choice.

You say your parents are supportive, tell them face to face and gauge their reactions but try not to react to it or read to much into it.

Tell them what you have said here.

I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy and your parents.

Thank you 2Retts & textfan for taking the time to respond

I feel a little better about telling them now and I know it'll feel like a huge relief when I do.

Finger crossed all goes well! I really appreciate your advice and I hope my parents are as supportive as you seem to be!

I suspect that they will take their lead from you. If you can present the news with a positive (but not unrealistic attitude), then they will follow.
"This isn't what I planned but it's okay for unplanned things to happen in life. These are the plans I'm making so that all this can be successful." You aren't failing them just because you didn't follow just one narrow path to success.

Sounds like they love you heaps & their first concern will be how to help you. Any apparent disappointment will really be their worries for the hard work to come and them just wanting you to have an easy life. You stay calm strong & organised & they will follow your example.

ps: none of my business, but where is baby-daddy in this picture?!

Congratulations! I had 5 month old DD two months after my 20th birthday and she is the best thing to have happened to me

From my experience, all parents were supportive of the pregnancy, and completely adore DD. It took me a while to tell them, and I did just end up blurting it out which maybe wasn't the wisest decision, looking back on it. For my mother, I think she had a harder time processing that she was going to be a grandmother at 43, rather than me becoming a mother; as soon as I showed her a scan picture, she melted and was over the moon.

As a PP has said, is the father in the picture? Could he be involved in telling them?

thank you ragged and Missmonkey

Dad is in the picture, he's more supportive than I thought he'd be considering he dreads the thought of a child but he respects how important this decision was for me. My parents love him, he practically lives with us and they treat him as a second child to them so I think that will help them come to terms with the news.

I think I'd rather tell them on my own though, I think they'd feel more comfortable expressing concerns to just me first.

My idea was to show them the scan picture too, hopefully they'll melt like your mum did Missmonkey

I'll hopefully have the guts to do it tomorrow once i've seen the little one on an ultrasound when it all hits home.

Congratulations! I was a few years older than you but similar circumstances when I had my first child. I told my parents "you're going to be grandparents" rather than "I'm pregnant" just because I'd read somewhere online that it feels more real and makes them think about the baby at the end of it rather than the actual pregnancy.

No idea if it worked that way, but they were overjoyed about it! 5 years down the line and I'm married with another baby too, and no one would realise I hadn't planned everything!

Loving Rockchick's suggestion of language use...absolutely valid about making it about them first and foremost rather than this being something that's perceived to be completely out of their control; you're all in this together kind of thing.

Good to know they like the dad too (it all helps) and that he is on board.

As PPs have said, a change in schedule does not mean a barrier to your end goals, just a slightly different order.

Hope the scan goes well mazpie and I'm pretty sure your parents will support and love you as they have done all your life. Trust in their love for you.

I have to be honest and say I would be gutted if either of my children told me that I was about to become a grandmother. Having said that they are younger teens and not in relationships. What would help me I think would be to be reassured that you have thought through how you can make things work for you so that I didn't feel your life was going to be 'ruined' and all the hopes and dreams I might have had for you weren't going out of the window. That would also reassure me that my hopes and dreams for the next ten years also weren't about to be seriously shaken up!

Having said that once the initial shock was over of course I would be supportive, and I hope very much that things work out for the OP. I know a few young mothers that have absolutely made things work for them and are both great parents and have very happy lives.